Adoptive Parents would you support your adoptee's search for their birth family?

Question

Whether this takes the form of an actual physical search or a search for answers to the many questions adoptees often hold inside themselves for fear of upsetting their parents

Answer 1

100% Yes!  Children have a right to know, and many times NEED to know the whole truth.  I intend to be right there with my children, and help them through the search, as well as the reunion - it may not be what they expected, but I'm going to be there to help our children.

I can't imagine my children having to go on a talk show in order to find their birth mothers, and I can't imagine them having to search alone.  They need the support and guidance we promised to give them when we adopted them.

Answer 2

No. But my husband would so I'd reluctantly agree.

Answer 3

My oldest son (9) is in contact with his biological mother.  When he got to the age of understanding, and began to ask questions, we answered them and facilitated his having contact with her.

We would for my other 2 sons, if they wanted to and, if the biological mothers allowed it.

I'd like to clarify some points that have been misstated.

Amers is right in thinking that there is a strong bond (not just a raltionship) with the adoptive parents (barring those parents being real logs).  This does not, necessarily, change when an adopted child tracks down their biological parents.

While there is an obvious bond between a child and there biological mother, this does, necessarily carry on into their adult life.

Adopted children do have 4 parents.  However, in some cases, just as in any family, the parents are not always ideal.  Therefore the bio-dad is sometimes never involved.  Even the biological mother doesn't always want the rosey ending that an adopted child wants.

Answer 4

actually..they have that right because out of the two sets of parents and everyone else involved they didnt get asked what they wanted...some just need to know who they are where they came from..that was me..i found those answers after almost twenty years of looking...but it calmed something down inside me..my adopted parents didnt want me to know wouldnt help me..and maybe had they i wouldnt have had the grandiose ideas about my mother..because nothing was sadder than the day i realized she gave my four siblings and i up so she could party and do whatever..i thought she loved me and couldnt take care of me and the state took us for that reason..nothing could have been further from the truth..but for almost 30 years i thought she was everything..and alot of my unhappy childhood comes from that..they kept me from her they wouldnt let her see us..that poor woman died in 74 they knew that they just didnt tell me till the day i left the house at 17..so i think its a smart idea to be open and honest..because hiding and telling half truths lead to hurt..and in the end you may lose that adopted child you love so much because i havent spoken to my adopted dad in almost ten years and my adopted mother three times in the same amount of time..our relationship is already damaged but you have time to salvage yours

Answer 5

my a-parents were ok with the idea..I'm 32 and didnt tell them I was looking until she was found.  My dad is pretty content with the idea. My mom , however, says she's fine with it but in reality ...not so much.  She doesnt want me to talk about it( she hasnt said those exact words but the signs are hard to miss)  I think it's an insecurity issue.  when I first told her I found my b-mom , her main concern was that she(a-mom) might be replaced.  Hello...I'm grown, not too much raising left to do with me.  My b-mom and I have a good relationship growing but I feel like I have to keep it a secret from a-mom.  By the way...I call my B-mom "Mom" because that is what she is.  My a-mom will always be my mama though.  It's hard being sooo excited about something and not be able to share it with her.

Answer 6

yes you should deffinately support their decission. i think it is bull sh*t how possum said that an adopted child has 4 parents. not true. a parent is NOT someone who makes a baby, a parent is someone who raises that child, feeds that child, comforts that child, and teaches that child what they need to know. i was adopted by my grandparents. but they are my parents to me. i have contacted my dad and am still searching for my mother. no matter what my mother is like it wouldnt make a difference. she is not my mother, but the women who made me. a child forms a special bond with the person who has always cared for them. they will never have that bond with their biological parents, how could they? i would feel like i would be replacing the great people who raised me to be the person i am an i would NEVER want to do that!! dont listen to ANYONE who says differently!!

Answer 7

i think adoptive parents should be supportive if their child would like to search for answers or even look for their real parents.

my mother was adopted and her parents didnt talk about the issue at all.. she did want for a time to find out more... but decided that it wasnt worth her hassle... it leaves alot of open ended questions as far as health risks she might carry and that i might have as i get older..

Answer 8

Well, we have an open adoption and continuing contact with our daughter's birth mother, so she won't have to "search" to find them.  We will definitely be supportive of her asking questions and wanting more info about her birth family.  That is part of who she is and we want her to be proud of that.  Adopted children deserve to know where they came from and the details surrounding their adoption.  Withholding info or discouraging them would be unhealthy.  I think the adoptive parents who don't support their child's search are probably afraid that the relationship with their child will change once they find their birth family.  Or maybe they are afraid of what the child will find and how that will effect the child.

Answer 9

Amers - you need to do more research into links between children and their biological mothers - other than what you read daily on your cereal packet.

There is way more nature than nurture in them genes.

Please do some proper research. For the sake of your adoptee.

Adoptees have 4 parents.

Lets count them together - shall we.

2 biological parents - a mother and a father.

2 adoptive parents - a mother and a father.

Your antiquated views will only end up hurting your adoptee.

Let your adoptee freely know and love ALL of their parents.

To do any less - would be damaging to the adoptee.

Remember to think - maybe the child will end up angry and bitter just like me?!?!?!

Answer 10

Yes, we are very hopeful that our children will be able to meet their first-mothers one day. Our children were adopted internationally, so it is more difficult, but is possible. Luckily the agency we went through is VERY helpful in assisting adoptees in searching for their biological families, and at the very least they will be able to access their files in Korea, and learn all of the information that they have there.

  Our children are very young now, but we regularly send updates and photos to the agency in Korea in hopes that their firstmothers will someday go and check their file. We are also  very open to contact with them when the boys are still young if they want to contact us. We will let our children know that if and when they want to search we are completely behind them, and don't want them to have to be the ones to bring the subject up first.

Answer 11

I think adoptive parents should support a search to a limitted extent, and at the right ages.  However, alot of biological parents are NOT good parents (hence the reason the children are up for adoption to begin with) and that needs to be taken into consideration.  

On the other hand, hiding information from a child is dangerous.  Often times children want to find their biological parents under the false believe that "the grass is greener" - and sometimes it is in a way.  It's the same problem that alot of parents have after a divorce...  whichever parent is the "weekend parent" gets to be the softee and spoil the kids.  However, in the long run time will tell, and the kids will know who loves them.  If it turns out the biological parents love them too, then isn't it all to the good?  Your child will never forget who raised them.  

On a side note - my son has a sister that I raised for over a year as my step-daughter.  It was a very formative year of her life, and she still calls me mom..  even though she's had to go live with her grandparents for three years now.

Answer 12

Absolutely!!

In fact, I did a search for my son's birth mother already.  I intend on sharing the information with him as he gets older and asks the questions.  I did the search myself out of fear of not being able to locate her or her not being alive if/when he chose to search for her himself.  He was aged 3 when I searched and to wait 15 years or more is taking a big risk at being able to find her or any information that he may want.

Answer 13

I am hoping for an open adoption.  If that does not happen then I will hope to have as much info as I can gather (including the original BC) for my child.  If that still is not enough then I wouold absolutely support my child to seek them out.  Not a problem here!

Answer 14

Yes, but only when are older.  

Before then, I would be against it.  I would be concerned if my adopted teenager (13-16 years old) wanted to contact their birth family.  I would be concerned that they would get mixed messages from us and from their birth parents, it is hard enough with teenagers, throwing another parent into the mix would only make things harder.

Answer 15

Wow, too bad I am not at level 2 yet because Amers would have gotten a BIG thumbs-down.

Adopted children won't bond with their natural parents?  Are you SERIOUS?

Why do you think we go looking for them to begin with?

Get a clue sister.

Answer 16

As hard as it may be Yes I would support them to find answers. Every child deserves that whether good or bad!! Naturally though the child rarely forms a special bond with their biological parents that they share already with their adoptive parents. Hopefully, this situation isn't going to be devastating but rather a liberating experience!

Answer 17

i would move heaven and earth to help my son locate his birth family. fortunatly we have limited contact so that won't really be an issue. we are 100% open about his adoption and as he gets older we will encourage him to talk to us so we can help him be comfortable with his life and any questions he has.

Answer 18

My Mom is supporting me to find out information about my bio-parents.

I have found out some information but there are some pieces missing in my puzzle, which it is the deaf part.

Answer 19

Of course!  Not only am I supportive, we are part of an open adoption, so my daughter will never have to search at all. She will always know her birthfamily and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Answer 20

Absolutely.