Adoptive parents, how many of you pretend to have given birth to your adopted children?

Question

I ask because I saw this remark by someone and thought it sounded ridiculous.

Answer 1

I have not adopted any children , but giving birth to a baby doesn't make you a parent. Its taking care of the child's needs , food , health, safety , advice, love. That makes a parent.

Answer 2

I'm a parent by adoption and I DO NOT pretend to have given birth to my son. He knows he was adopted and has a first mother and father. I really feel sorry for anyone who answers "yes" to your question on this board! LOL.

Answer 3

I think the number is very small because unless the child says “Are you my real parents?” people might not feel a reason to explain to their child that they are not blood related. However the child should have the right to know their birth parent if they want to- excluding occasions when their blood parent adopted them for a significant reason and wants nothing to do with them.

Answer 4

No way.  My children both know that they grew in their birth mothers tummy's and mommies was broken.  I don't know why someone would deceive their child by telling them that.  That would completely ignore the birth family.  How unhealthy that would be.

Answer 5

During the adoption process, the birth certificate is altered to make it appear the adoptive mother gave birth to the child.  

The natural mother's name is replaced with the adoptive mother's name to make it appear she was the one giving birth in the delivery room.

Why is that considered acceptable?  Most people responded that they would not pretend they had given birth, but few question the issuance of altered birth certificates.

Answer 6

No way - it is important that your relationship with your child is buillt on love - not on lies.

My daughter knows her whole story (as much as is age appropriate) and sometimes she says she wishes she had come from my tummy, and I am truthful with her, I tell her that this would have been soooo cool, but all I care about is that she is here now and that we are mother and daughter.

I have to tell you though - I have bio children too and whilst I would NEVER NEVER NEVER pretend to have given birth to my daughter...I do sometimes forget that I didn't! That's life...or maybe that's love.

The human heart is a curious thing - there is so much more to love and relationships than blood and biology.

Answer 7

Not me.  That's weird.

Answer 8

Don't expect anyone on here to confess that.

It happens but not enough for some people to care about.

I guess you would also have to define "pretend".

Is not talking about the child's mother or subconsciously making it uncomfortable for a child to talk about her as if she doesn't exist, considered "pretending" giving birth.

Answer 9

I was an adopted child & my parents were always very open about it with me.  On my birth certificate though it says my adopted parent's name's on it.  My adopted mother was the first one to hold me when I came out of the womb... that's what really counts.  It doesn't matter who conceived you, only the people who love you & take care of you.  Why is the birth certificate such a big deal?

Answer 10

Ummm NO!  I have never heard of anyone doing this.  Its really weird.  My DD's know they are adopted and know their First Families.  To lie about their adoption would insinuate that it is something shameful.  I am not ashamed of our children or their First Families.

Answer 11

I don't know because I have all my kids grown up and they are happy.

But I would be honest with my kids if they were adopt, only when it is the right time.

Answer 12

I think this type of behavior happened more often in years past.  I think that many years ago, adoption was considered "taboo" and many adoptive parents may have felt that in order to protect their child, they had to pretend to have given birth.  

However, today's society has a more accepting view on things and I think it has affected the way adoptive parents handle things.  

For me, I would never pretend that I gave birth to my son.  The lies would only hurt, and in my son's case because of his medical condition, could kill him.  I would have never thought for a moment for so many reasons to lie to him about his adoption.

Answer 13

I don't. My gosh my son would set me straight quick on that one if I ever tried lol!

Answer 14

Do people really still do that?

No, I have always been adamant that we had nothing to be ashamed of and we were not going to let others make us feel like we do.

It's still funny to me how people react sometimes when my daughter mentions her birth mother very casually.  Some of them even whisper to me "I didn't know she was adopted".  I just loudly ask them why they are whispering.  If I'm 'in a mood', I'll say "she's adopted, she didn't rob a bank."

Answer 15

I don't pretend I gave birth to him, but I also don't go out of my way to make sure everyone I make contact with knows he's adopted. He's too young to understand, but he will know why he has three sets of grandparents and an aunt that is neither mommy or daddy's sister.

Answer 16

Not me.

That would be creepy.

Answer 17

No, my children know that they have their first mothers.  If you act like you birthed them, then you lock the door to them experiencing their biological family.  That would be a tragic decision for an AP to make.  If you adopt and truly want what is best for the CHILD then you tell them the truth when it is the right time, you try your damnedest to keep communication open with as much of their natural family as possible and you stand by them through thick and thin while they cope with the ups and down of emotions about being adopted.  If you aren't prepared to lay it all on the line for their peace of mind and well being then you should not be adopting.

Answer 18

Are you asking how many aparents keep it from their kids that they are adopted?  Or, are you asking how many aparents pretend to outsiders, for various reasons, such as avoiding the topic because it's nobody elses business, or they don't have or want to take the time to explain it to a stranger?

We haven't pretended to be the bparents.  But, I know we have both said "when they were born" rather than "when we adopted".  I think it's a very personal event in our children's life and it's up to them if they want the world to know that they are adopted.

ETA: I should add that we have not kept it a secret from friends, family and especially our children.  However, other than the people who know and love us, it's nobody elses business.  We are not ashamed of adoption at all, nor will we instill that into our children's lives.  But, if THEY feel differently, than THEY can decide when, where and how to discuss it with others, if they want to at all.

ETA2:  Regarding the birth certificate, I didn't address it, because it's not an issue for us.  We have sets of 2 BC's, one they issue us that is altered and one with the bparents names.  I think there are valid reasons to have one with adoptive names on it, such as listed above, like nobody elses business and there are times a child needs to show a BC.

Answer 19

Not me.

Answer 20

Are you talking about "rebirthing" therapy, or are you talking about not mentioning to the kid that they came from other people?  I've done neither, and never would do either, but I just thought I'd ask.

ETA:  Maybe, you've got a good point.  I didn't bring up birth certificates just because it wasn't mentioned in the question.  But I, too, have quite a problem with the practice of the state pretending that I gave birth to my [future] children.

Answer 21

I am a Mommy through international adoption.  I have NEVER pretended to have "given birth" to my son.  In fact, I never really wanted to be pregnant.  People who say that kind of thing are soooooo ignorant.  Period.

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Maybe:  I agree with you.  My son's new birth certificate names me.   It is a BIRTH certificate...  not a who's your new Mommy certificate.  

He had to get a new one because I would not be able to replace his foreign one.  But through the states, everything is re-orderable.

Birth certificates should not be used as legal evidence for citizenship as they pretty much are today, rather than just what is says, a certificate of live birth.  It seems fraudulent to me to change the names afterwards.  I'd be willing to help take a stand on that issue...  hmmmmmmmm.....