Adoptive parents, why the "stay away" method?

Question

If you have or exactly why would you want to keep the biological parent(s) and the child completely apart?

Some people go so far as to change the child's ssn, & practically give them a WHOLE new identity.

(Please exclude upbringing interferrence. Let's assume they personally chose your family to raise the child because they feel it was right. So why the "keep/stay away" method if they would just like to be a part of the child's life?)

Answer 1

Well we are adopting from foster car and depending on the severity of the abuse and the type I can see  why someone would want to completly  stay away.

Now if i adopted an infant i would feel different

Answer 2

Great question.

I think many adoptive parents do it - because they want to play pretend that the child is their own 'as if' by biology.

Perhaps they think they are doing the right thing - but they are not.

It's wrong.

And it's damaging for the child.

For better emotional and psychological growth for the child - the child needs to know (in person - if at all possible) the family members that share the looks, traits and talents as themselves.

And they need to know the reasons why they were given away.

(they need to know them from the people that gave them away - not from some pieces of paper - or from the a-parents interpretation of the reasons)

Lies and secrets are THE most damaging things to children.

Always give them their truth.

It's theirs to own.

Answer 3

So many cases are different.  On paper, our adoption is closed, however, I have offered to have it open to the first parents, however, she doesn't ever call, come by, or anything.  The 1st dad has called several times, and his mother has come to the house, taken pictures, and visited (and is always welcome).  I do have pictures on myspace, where they can view pictures, and I once saw the 1st mom in Walmart one time, and I believe she saw me and our son, and went the other way.  I wish her well, and I wish she could be part of his life.

BTW-I adopted him at birth, and the 1st parents lived with me for 3 1/2 months before he was born, which I then rented her an apartment (he went with her).

Answer 4

well i have nothing to do with adoptions and dont know much about those things. But i suppose it is because they want to have a "normal" family and be the only ones that are the parent figures. I mean the birth mother always has the choice of having an open adoption so it is fair for her and the adoptive parents, they both get a choice.

Answer 5

If I had adopted through a private adoption to get a infant I would be more likely to want open adoption with contact! I think adopted kids adjust better and grow up more secure if they know who and where they came from! We adopt through CPS and for the safety of the kids many of these adoptions are closed, but in our cases we are trying to keep some contact. I think the more people who love and care for my kids the better! I do feel that all kids should have access to there family history and records when that reach a mature age!

One thing I can say about the SS# is that our kids being in the CPS system have there social security numbers all over different papers, and some of these kids come from families who would not think twice about using there number to steal their identity and ruin their credit! So we change our kids numbers after the adoption! This is not to hide the kids it is to protect them!!

Answer 6

I think this applies more to infant adoptions when an "open adoption" has been promised. Some children adopted from the foster care system have been severely abused and they need to be protected.

In my dds case her father is a violent s*x offender and even if he was not incarcerated...again I would NEVER let him near her. s*x offenders is my opinion can never be reformed.  Her mom is a completely different story....she loves her daughter and would never harm her in any way shape or form.

Answer 7

Adoption comes with so many strange experiences, for all parties. Adoptive parents may fear these. Therefore, they choose to protect themselves from discomfort or the potential of losing "control" of their children.

Most frequently, the complaint I hear about open adoptions is that the AP doesn't want the interference from the first family. Unfortunately, these APs either don't understand or don't care that the importance of the first family in the child's life is MORE IMPORTANT than the struggle of interference.

Answer 8

My parents never kept it a secret that I was adopted... I do not ever remember not knowing.  This was frustrating at times... My folks had my little bro 1.5 yrs after they adopted me and he looks so much like our cousins, they could pass for immediate family siblings...then there's the odd-ball... me... overall tho, I'm glad I knew.  I can't imagine finding out at 18...but thats my story...

I've since found my bio-family (when I was 24 yrs old) and met many of them on both sides...Thing is, I was born in NY in 1974 and my b-mom was a minor so the records were sealed-and still are-.  Open adoptions were rare then...I only found my birth family by dumb luck after 3 years of my own research.

I think that there are pros and cons to keeping birth parents in the picture.  I lean towards no, BUT I also think that IF the child wants to know where they came from, they have that right, and the info should be available when they are an adult.

Answer 9

I was adopted when I was born by my Aunt and Uncle. My biological parents were way too young to take care of me. (my mom was 14 and idk about my "so called biological father").

My parents kept me being adopted a secret for almost 18 years. Until I finally asked them about it... It broke their heart for me to find that I was adopted out.... They cried and said the only reason that they didn't tell me is because they didn't want me to hate them.

I don't hate them, I respect them a whole lot more... and love them... and thank them for giving me a better life than my little brothers have.

I only found out that I was adopted last October... 2007

Btw. I always knew my biological parents but I grew up knowing them as my couisns... My little brothers were my little cousins... but now everyone knows and we (my whole family) are closer than ever.

Answer 10

I hear this alot in fact the couple who has my grandson doesn't want him to be around his sister (oh well to bad) they have even gone through talking to the birth mother to inform her that my son get's his child for a month this summer. Court ordered guess what now the birth mother she also has the daughter (which is older) of my son won't let him get her for his month because she found out that he will have his son to and they don't want them together. What is wrong with them people everyone needs to know where they came from.

Answer 11

For both of the adoptions we have done there has been, nor will there by, any future contact with the bio parents.  Thats our choice as the new legal parents of our children and the decision was made based upon the individual case histories.  Thats our right as the parents and we are comfortable with that decision.

My daughters did not have SIN numbers (Canada's SSN system) assigned until after the adoptions were completed and by that time we had already changed their names to what we wanted them to have (both were infants when we adopted them and were called their new names from the time they came to our home (within the first week after they were born) so it was not a major adjustment for them.  We gave them the names we wanted to give them and, as was our conscious choice, we kept parts of their birth names as well.  

As our daughters get older they will be informed of their adoption and the circumstances surrounding them as they are prepared to accept it.  If, when they are old enough, they want to attempt to find their bio parents then we will not stand in their way and will assist as we are able but by then they will be well old enough and informed enough about what we do know to make that decision.  

As far as circumstances like the ones you speak of, the simple fact of the matter is that once the adoption is done it is the legal right of the new parents to decide who gets what contact.  I'm not saying it's right but thats the way it is.  Parents can decide what they feel is good for their children and some make this choice.

I don't feel it's wrong for a parent to make this choice.  I'm not saying all choices are right but ultimately it's their choice to make.  My youngest daughter will know about her birth mother and father but they will hear it from me.  They were not given up by them, they were taken from them by social services.  Mom is 27 years old and has had 9 kids, all of who have been removed by social services.  She's got a crack and alcohol problem and couldn't even make it to scheduled visits prior to the adoption being finalized.  Dad is a gang member who supplies Moms drugs and who is in jail more then he is out.  Now, my choice and my direction was "no contact" and thats the way it's going to be.  Some say it's harmful to deny contact with bio parents but I'm quite comfortable in my belief that contact would be more damaging in this case and I sleep well knowing I've made the right choice, as is my right as the legal parent.  (BTW-I'm also a biological parent to two others so I don't need to "play" at being a bio parent at all)

Answer 12

This is something I don't understand. I pray that my sons family will call and want to see him. But they don't. He's young still, so hopefully they will someday take me up on the invites.

Babies aren't posessions, they are people with family.

Unless there is a reason to keep them apart, there should be every effort made to maintain a relationship.

We (us and his other family) wil never "lose touch" we have shared info of extended family and where we work.

We have no secrets and it's pretty liberating. No hush hush.

Answer 13

I believe it is much better, in infant adoptions with no history of abuse or reason for danger, for the adoption to be as open as possible.  As a birth mother I feel so much more well adjusted, knowing my son and how he is doing.  I know I would be absolutely a mess if I didn't.  I would have changed my mind in a heartbeat.  I know my son will be better off for it too.  Because I've seen so many adopted children go through the trauma of not knowing their origins.  I think birth parents should be given the opportunity to take as much responsibility for their child's happiness as possible.  And I believe that means being there for them.  Not infringing on the adoptive parent's status as parents, but just making themselves available and showing love.  

The one thing that frightens me is the little clause they put in open adoption agreements.  Something like "These visits should continue as long as there is no harm or confusion to the child."  That hurts me so much.  That insinuation that my son would be harmed or confused by knowing who I am.  I think it is just a way for adoptive parents to be able to get out of it, because of jealousy.  Families are not black and white.  It is o.k. to have all sorts of arrangements, with step parents, half siblings, extended family live-ins, adoptions within the family, homosexual parents, etc..  It is o.k. for families to be different.  It doesn't automatically cause a child to be "confused or harmed."

Answer 14

Actually our daughter's first mom is the one that doesn't want contact, and I respect that since I'm sure it was difficult for her to decide not to parent her daughter. I would welcome contact at  any point in the future (and told her this).

I think the a-parents who don't want contact are  afraid two moms would confuse a child, or that the first mom would change her mind and  want the child back. I know my husband didn't want  any contact when we first started talking about adoption, but as her learned more  about it he also became very open to the idea. Children will inevitably have questions about where they came from, and what is the problem of knowing one more person loves  them.

Answer 15

Thanks to Bambi for voicing a positive experience.  Maybe her response will give other APs who fear nparents the courage to forge a relationship with their children's first parents.

I am an AP and I would LOVE for my daughter to have contact with her nmom.  This is part of her history and heritage, why would I deny her that?  PArenting is not about the parent's feelings it is about doing what is right for the child.  The only way I would support no contact is if the nparents were abusive.