Adoptive parents: What do you tell people who say things like......?

Question

"He/She is so lucky to have you" Speaking of your adopted child. This one always catches me off guard and I come off as B*tchy, rather than informative. How do you handle this or other comments that are unsolicited and unwelcome.

Thanks

Answer 1

I like HappyMom's, "...and your kids are so lucky to have you too!"

Answer 2

I am right with Cagney on this one!

Answer 3

"You're right I'm so lucky"  "Really I'm the lucky one"  " I hear what you are saying and I'm telling you i'm the lucky one."

I used to use catchy one liners to put people in their place but then the garbage that came back out of their mouths and in front of my kids was outrageous.

Now i smile, "I choose not to answer that question at this moment".  It usually works.  Sometimes i have to glance at my children and repeat "i choose not to answer that question at this time."  Then most people get it.  What i have learned is to send my kids off to get candy or pick out a new shirt close by, if someone starts asking questions.

There is a book we used have called "wise up".  I has an owl on it.  It offers young adoptees great one liner responses to inappropriate questions.  Good Luck.

Answer 4

I basically say that no, I'm lucky to have them ... I really hate when people feel it necessary to point out you have an adopted child ... for me .. I'm new at this and I basically ignore all the comments and change the subject.

Answer 5

I will say I am the lucky one!

Answer 6

My gut wants to shake my head and roll my eyes. But usually I just smile and say that I'm the lucky one.

Answer 7

I typically say - "it's the other way around; we're blessed to have him".  

Ironically, the people who say it to us the most is our son's bio grandparents.  And in that case, it makes my heart smile to know that they feel we are being good parents to their grandchild.

Answer 8

I simple say "Yep we are blessed to have each other"

Answer 9

I would just say that we are both lucky to have each other, just like any family is lucky to have each other.

Answer 10

"I think we're lucky to have him."

Just remember that no one means to be mean, they're just ignorant as well as interested.

The one I hate is either "He looks just like you", or "He doesn't look much like anyone". Well, we think he looks like himself.

Answer 11

I haven't gone through this yet, because I haven't adopted YET, but I plan to.

I imagine I'd smile and shake my head just a tad and say "Nah, I'm lucky to have HIM/HER"

This situation doesn't require a rude lecture on adoption loss to someone who was just being nice, but it quietly acknowledges that I have the better end of the deal..

Maybe this is all wrong, but that's the first thing that came to my mind..

ETA... LOL.. honestly, this time, I had read no one else's response before coming up with this LOL.. I guess great minds think alike..

Answer 12

I often just smile a little wanly and move on. I want to respond in all kinds of ways, but I get the feeling from my daughter that she feels put on the spot and singled out no matter what I say, so I'm working on just minimizing this kind of interactions with strangers. It is hard for me because I love talking to strangers myself, but it isn't my life or story to share.

Often, like everyone else, I say "We're the lucky ones -- she's a great kid!"

The ones that really tend to throw me are when Chinese or Chinese American people say this (my daughter is adopted from China). There is just so much more subtext then, I think, and so it makes it a lot harder for me to respond. And actually I think more than half of the people who have said this to us have been Asian (as well as the only person who has called my daughter "China Doll" in my hearing). I usually answer that we are the lucky ones, but it still throws me.

I have actually had a lot of people turn this around themselves and tell me I am lucky to have her -- to which I respond "Oh yes, we are very lucky!" I think maybe some other adoptive family has educated them already, and I think that is great!

I really like HappyMom and Mom5grlz more in depth or alternative answers.

Answer 13

It drives me nuts too. I just say "No I'm the lucky one."

Another one that I get is "O you have your hands full" I just say better full than empty.

I also get "Are they all yours? How old are you?" They sure are.

I also get "they must be twins" with the youngest 2 and once someone asked if they were triplets. Come on one was still only crawling at the time.

Answer 14

When we get told that, we just so NO we are the lucky ones to have her bc her birth mom gave us a  choice  to be her parents because she trusted in us.

  I think there are alot of  ignorant people out there that think oh they are so lucky and they dont know how to word what they want to say. Just come around and tell them no we are lucky to have him or her.

Answer 15

lol the family who adotped my first got this.........the kindly said he is our blessing and we are thankful the woman who birthed him chose us to raise him.  

When i see this it irks me. Yes i was young but i could have been a wonderful mother. I chose to give him better. I still love him but i wanted him to have more. And they gave him that.

Answer 16

That's is kind of ignorant for someone to say. i understand like you are a bad person. Just say my child have the best parent in world and the lord sent them to me. If that don't work then you have a right to be the way you are. Just take deep breaths. If they talk about your child in a bad way, don't go near them

Answer 17

One to the Biggest buttons I have and I completly relate.... Just heard it this morning when the principal called to ask if I had told my daughter she is being pushed out of public school and sent to a day treatment program.... and the conversation went well, until... he said, "she is lucky to have you..."

I asked the principal how often he actually says that to other children's parents and he was caught off guard.... and that was the B***cy way we would like to avoid (but this man deserves it if you only knew...)

Sometimes, I say:

"...and your kids are so lucky to have you too!"

"no luck about it...having parents should be a given!"

" would you say that to me if they were my biological children?"

Snarker but, sometimes things have to be said...

"I suppose my older bio kids must be lucky  because they got stuck with me too."

"Sad for all those biological children they sure don't have good luck do they?"

"Do you feel lucky you had parents?"

....

But, the only actually nice thing I have been able to say is:

"No, we are the lucky ones here!"

Answer 18

i'm with everyone else.  i respond with no we're the lucky ones.  and i sometimes go further to tell them that everyone that knows her feels lucky to know her and be in her life too.  she is one awesome little girl!

Answer 19

I respond- we are very blessed to have our children, thank you

Answer 20

Ok, I personally have no expertise on this one, but I would thinka 'NO, I'm lucky to have him/her' would suffice.

Answer 21

That one irks me a little.  We didn't choose to adopt because we were trying for sainthood and it's wrong to put a burden of gratitude on a child.

I say that we (meaning my husband and I) are lucky to have our family.

Answer 22

For our family, I say that I don't think luck had anything to do with it.  He was meant to be my son and I his mom.

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Luck is a weird term for me to explain an adoption situation.  If you say that no, you're the lucky one, couldn't that insinuate that the other person/child is the unlucky one (and vice-versa).  To say we're both lucky is better.