Adoptive parents adoption?

Question

How did or would u feel if your child decided they wanted to go ahead and search for there birth parents?

My mother was very supportive but I could see that she was hurting abit too. MY mum met the woman who gave birth to me and I think it mad my mum feel alot better.

How would you react? or is it something that you wouldnt know until the time came?

Answer 1

Well, you are right that adoptive parents' feelings enter into it in the sense that it can affect what an adoptee chooses to do.  But, while it may come down to it being about the adoptive parents' feelings, it SHOULDN'T be.  It is not about them.  And to them, it should be about wanting what is best for their child, which may mean reuinion.

I hope that my daughter will have reunion with her birthparents.  We adopted internationally and have a semi-open adoption.  I think I have to remind myself that my daughter may NOT want to meet her birthparents and that it needs to be about her wanting it not me, because I find myself expecting it and wanting it for her.

Answer 2

I would completely support my daughters' decision to search for their birth families. I would hope they could find out something.

Answer 3

its got to be hard on them, raising a child all them years to see them search for someone who for whatever reason gave them up, but i am sure it will always be in the back of the minds of the adoptive parents, all the same if it was me after taking that child on as my own it would hurt like h**l, having a mum that supports you just shows how special she is! she surely is 1 in a million!!!! x

Answer 4

I was 18 when I went looking for and found my birth mum, my adoptive mum was very supportive as she knew it would happen someday - I only met my birth mum once and that was enough to know that she had done the right thing for both of us in placing me up for adoption, so although I never want to meet her again, I will always be grateful for her letting me go.  I am now 35 and I have never told my adoptive dad what I did, it would break his heart and I will never do that to him.

Answer 5

first person i wanted to talk to was my dad (my mom died a couple years back otherwise i would have talked to both of them)

I could tell that he was shocked when i opened up my mouth that i found my b-mom on the internet (my b-mom and i havent talked yet i emailed her two days ago)

but the first thing he said is "Well it comes with the territory of adopting a baby" they are gonna be curious sooner or later and all i can do is support ya!

I felt such relief. bc i know its hard for him but we have such a good relationship that its not going to effect us in a negative way

Answer 6

I fell very bessed that this is something he won't have to do unless shr up and moves with out telling us). We have his OBC and contact info for a lot of her family. He finaly gotto meet her and I think it's great....

Answer 7

Ohh my Mom found it hard too, I know.  I got so far and gave up - couldn't bear to do it to her.

Answer 8

Okay, well even though I know I'm going to get bashed for my answer, here it goes:

I fully support a child's right to search for their birthparents.  I think that there should be more information available to adoptees so that this can occur easily and that reform needs to occur in this area to make that happen.

That being said, I am absolutely TERRIFIED when my son decides he is ready to find his bio parents.  "Terrified" because I worry that I will not have prepared him enough for what he hears or learns, "terrified" that they will have changed so much that it will be difficult to believe the truth of what happened or that they will not have changed at all and the lies will continue.  My primary gaol is to protect my son and I worry that when he locates his bio parents, I won't be able to protect him.

Fortunately, however, he does have the love and support of his bio-grandparents and will be able to get the truth from them if he has any doubts about what we have told him.  But it still scares me.  

Thank you for asking the question, and thank you for caring about the adoptive parents feelings!

Answer 9

I think all adoptive parents think about the day that their adoptee will wonder and want to meet their bio parent. I think most adoptive parents want their child to do what they have to do to feel complete,,but deep down the adoptee parent wishes that the adopted child would feel so loved and so complete that they would never have to look for that fulfillment

Answer 10

I think it is something that you wouldn't know until the time came.

Answer 11

I'll bite.

On January 6, 1991 my mother lay on her deathbed. I was 14 years old. My aunt came to take me to the hospital, mom had been living either at an extended care facility or the hospital for almost 5 years. I knew something was up, my aunt never came to pick me up, I always rode my bike after school to go see my mom. We all got to the hospital around 7 pm and I was shocked to see the whole family was there. Everyone who lived in town was there as was my mom's favorite Pastor from the hospital chapel. Deep down I knew she was going to die but I tried not to let it show. I felt like I had to be strong so she wouldn't be afraid. She asked everyone to leave except me. I didn't want to stay, I didn't want her to tell me she was going to die.

She tried to grab my hand but she couldn't lift her arm so I bent in really close and hugged her but it was like hugging a skeleton, she was so little and frail. She told me she loved me and to look after my little brother and my dad. I just kept saying ok, ok, ok. Then she dropped something on me that I hadn't really thought about before. My mother's dieing words to me were...

"Andrea, please find your real mom and tell her I love her. Thank her for letting us raise you and that I wish I could have met her."

That my friend is a d*mn good adopter. She would have moved mountains to see me happy and I hate that she wasn't able to do that. That is a mother. She was dieing of chronic lung disease and all she was worried about was that I find my "real" mom.  I learned more about love in those 5 seconds that at any other time. Love is unconditional and about being supportive and accepting. I love that my mom was so thoughtful and that she gave me her blessing to search knowing that someday  I would want to. My aunt told me that she didn't want anything to stand in my way, including her memory.

Answer 12

im not adopted, but if i was i would definatly want to know who my real mom was. I think your adopted mom would understand. just tell the adopted mom how much you love her first and that nobody could replace her

Answer 13

I know this question is meant for adoptive parents.  I can tell you that my parents were supportive of me finding.  Especially for medical reasons (information).  

My a-mom gave me the information I needed to find my birth family when I was in high school.  My father was 'happy' for me but didn't want to know the details...at least not at first.  My dad feared that my finding would change our relationship.  And it did - I loved him even more, if that's possible, because he loved me enough to encourage me to find in spite of his own insecurity.  THAT'S LOVE!  

It wasn't long before my dad would ask if I'd seen my birth mom, referring to her my her first name, as I did.  Or my birth father. Or how they were doing.  

I am DEEPLY offended by your comment, "Nobody seems to think about how adoptive parents may feel."  You couldn't be MORE WRONG.

As an adoptee, it's ALL we think about FOR YEARS!  I was afraid to ask my parents anything or even speak of it for fear of hurting their feelings.  It's only because a movie of the week called "Stranger Who Looks Like Me" (1974) that the topic came up between my a-mom and I.  She said, "Why didn't you ask me?", and then told me what she remembered.

When I joined a group to begin my search, most of the members where in their 50's.  They had waited until their a-parents DIED before searching.  Often, that meant their biological parents would be dead when they found them.  

As adoptive parents, I can only HOPE you'll care as much about how your children feel as we do about how YOU feel!  Like my father did...I was HIS baby girl!  And I will forever be.

Thanks for the question.  Hope you'll forgive me adding my two cents.  

NOTE: the term "my parents" and "my father/my dad" in this response refer to the people who raised me.

Answer 14

I don't know from personal experience but I could imagine that the adoptive parents wait for the day when the child wants to find out about where they came from x It could be really hard but if the child is sensitive towards the feelings of the adoptive parents and involves them in all the stages of the search it should be ok. x

Answer 15

It doesn't bother me at all. I never wanted my daughter to HAVE to search so  I made sure we had an adoption arrangement where the birth mother wanted contact. My daughter has had a relationship with her from birth.

Answer 16

My adoptive parents were more than supportive, they felt no threat about my bio-mother. They in fact encouraged me to have an relationship with her. There was no hurt on their side about me finding my bio-mother. I think some adoptive are just more secure in their relationship with their adopted children and know that they will not be replaced.

Answer 17

It's everyone's right to know where they came from.  All adopted children should be told the details of the circumstances of their birth.  Your origins should not be a state secret, or a family secret, or any other kind of secret.  States should open their records to adult adoptee children and stop treating them as enemies of their parents.

Adoptive parents should not discourage their children from finding out the truth and Birth parents should not expect the government to help them hide from the reality they have created.

No adults involved in adoption should be able to escape the consequences of their own actions with secrecy.  Every child has the right to look her mother and father in the eye at least once.

It's not true that most people don't think about how the adoptive parents feel.  In fact the opposite is true.  It's the number one reason people give for not searching.  Worrying about how your parents feel may delay or stop you from finding your birth parents.  I have many friends who let that guilt delay their search and now their birth parents are dead and it's too late.  You will understand when you are older.

Answer 18

My a-parents were a little leary at first. After I assured them that it would not change our relationship and that I was not looking to replace them, they seemed more relaxed about it.  But all in all they have always been supportive.  As far as my adoptive daughter, if she should ever want to search, I will support her.  She has every right to know her full story and to have any questions answered that she may have.