Adoptive parents and Adoptees how did/ do you handel theses questions and comments about adoption?

Question

As some of you know we have a foster son we are in the process of adopting. He is of similar ethnicity and race as us and people say things like Oh wow he looks so much like you. Or they ask my wife was your labor hard? My fav he has lots of hair they asked her if she had heart burn while pregant. She just says things like no the labor didn't hurt at all, thank you and no no heart burn. Her rational is she does not want to start a huge discussion in the grocery store about that he is our adoptive son and or foster son. She feels that it is none of their business. We are not pretending with people in our lives that we gave birth to and we will tell him he is adopted. She sees it as more of a privacy issue and none of the strangers business.

How did you handel questions like that

I am especially intersted with adoptee who knew they were adopted. How did you handel things in school how did you handel questions of which parent do you look like.

I say I don't care what they think.

How did you handel or do you handel comments like this

Answer 1

i was adopted as a baby and have always known it. gr

growing up, and still sometimes, people will say i look like my dad (which i dont, aside from maybe close to the same hair color!) and i  just grin and share a private smile with my parent(s) and go about my business. It has never bothered me, and I agree with your wife that having to tell personal business to everybody in the grocery store, etc is too much of a hassle and not their business.  

Answer 2

It is tricky but remember that your son owns his adoption story. While it may require that you allow strangers to operate under a false set of assumptions, it is important to avoid the habit of sharing his personal information with the general public.

It can be really awkward because adoption is such a happy event and you don't want to feel that you're hiding it out of shame or embarrassment. But the truth is that you have to train yourself not to jump into these conversations.

When people told my mother how much we looked alike or drew other parallels that they attributed to heredity she said 'Thank you'. When they said those things to me, I sometimes explained that we were a lot alike but that I had been adopted. If I didn't feel like talking about it or if the person giving the compliment was a person we wouldn't see again I rarely explained, but I tended to share it pretty openly. I had other friends who were less vocal. Often time is a factor because when you tell someone you always have to be prepared to run through the standard questions.

My experience as an adoptive mom is a little different because my son and I are different races. Still we get a lot comments from people who say we look alike and dont' seem to recognize that he was adopted. But other people know instantly (as I would expect) and sometimes they make comments. The comments have been exclusively positive but people do not realize that even positive comments and questions put our family in an awkward position. Once your child is six or seven you can let him field the questions on his own but before that I just changed the subject or answered very briefly. If people really needed or wanted to discuss adoption I would give them a phone number and suggest that we talked about it at another time.  

Answer 3

i was adopted when i was 5 months old.  i don't look a thing like my parents:  i am korean, and they are caucasian.  because of this, when people see one parent, they automatically assume the other one is asian like me.  when people ask about my parents, i tell them the truth.  i was adopted.  most people are surprised to hear that answer, and they sometimes ask more questions.  i enjoy explaining what happened -- that i was in an orphanage until my parents adopted me.  it made me sort of a celebrity because i was the only one i knew except for a couple of my cousins who was adopted.

i suppose it's a bit different if you are the parent as opposed to the child, but if strangers are asking about it, feel free to only tell them what you want to disclose.  i think as long as your child and close friends and family know what's going on, that's all that matters.  especially the child.  they have a right to know where they came from and how they came to be where they are today.

Answer 4

I've run into similar situations.  I am caucasion and have green eyes.  My son, born in Guatemala, has dark brown hair and eyes.  I constantly get the "Is he yours?" question.  When he was a baby, I'd say, "Yes, through adoption."  But as my son got older (he is now almost 4) I just say, "Yes." and that's it.  That's when I get the double stares, they look his eyes, and then mine, and then ask about his father.  (Soooooo nosey!)  Depending on my mood, I'll say his natural father is Guatemalan.  Then most nod like, oh, okay, I get it now.  

I always wonder how far I should go.  But, it's not up to me, really.  It's up to my son and his comfort level.  Sometimes I'll ask if he wants to tell them where he was born.  Sometimes he acts shy and says no...  and sometimes he just blurts it out as proud as can be... "Guatemala!".

As he gets older, he'll be able to express more about how he wants to handle those prying questions...  it's an ever-changing process while he's growing up.

Answer 5

First lets make this clear for every one. We did not keep our adoption a secret from family and friends.

As for strangers at Walmart, babiuesRus, or the Mall who asked me "how i was up and about within a few weeks of delivery" after taking one look at such a tiny newborn in the car seat or my arms.I just gave them a big beaming smile.....and no response. When i didn't answer NO stranger pushed that question again. So answer evaded as i am not interested in striking up personal conversation with strangers NOR do i wish to be rude.

Answer 6

I adopted my son when he was 2. He is reportedly Hispanic and Caucasian. He has very, very fair skin, light brown hair, and brown eyes. I am Caucasian, blonde, and blue-eyed. People tell me all the time that he looks just like me...people who don't even know that I adopted my son (acquaintances through work, etc.). I just smile and say "thank you" because I consider it a compliment. My son is a beautiful child!

The questions that REALLY bug me are like this:

On Sunday I was at a good friend's house for a barbecue. My friend had invited another woman and her daughter as well. I know the woman but not well. Our children went to preschool together for a year, so we smile and say hi when we see each other, but that's the extent of our relationship. My friend and I were talking about our kids and something I said indicated that my son was adopted. IMMEDIATELY this other woman said, "Well, I'm sure his mother was on drugs." Excuse me? First of all, you're *sure* of it? And why is that? Because all first mothers are crack addicts? Because my son is 'messed up' in some way? Because you're an ignorant ***? (Ooh, ooh! Yeah! That one! Grr.) I immediately became tight-lipped and said, "S's tox screen was negative at birth." I HATE feeling like I have to justify that to a moronic stranger, but I'm torn. If I say nothing and don't defend my son and his first mother, the moron will assume that she is right when she casts aspersions. It's so frustrating!

Ooh, I got it! Next time that comes up (and it will...it happens frequently) I will just say, "And why would you assume that?" Good idea?  

Answer 7

i was adopted  when i was a newborn and all of my life, people have always told me how much i look like both of my parents.  my parents were really up front with me all of my life and explained adoption to me and why they were my parents. really, i have always felt like a part of them and i can't imagine being anywhere else.  my mom used to tell me this when i was really young: you can take a cutting from a rosebush and graft it into another rosebush, and those two plants become one. then she would tell me that that's what God did when he brought me into their family.  it's kinda sweet, and the fact that i'm adopted has never bothered me. sometimes i'm curious about what my bio parents look like, but since i do resemble my parents, it's never really been that strong of an urge to find them. so whenever anyone said anything, i just said thank you.

Answer 8

okay, i'm not adopted, but i did have adopted friends. 2 actually. all they said when people told them they looked like a parent, they just said really? i don't see it! and walked away. that way they didnt have to say they were adopted. just tell them the truth. and walk away. and sorry if i didnt help much, and congrats on the adoption!  

Answer 9

We went through the same stuff when my kids step-father was with us.  They'd say to my oldest Son, you look just like your Dad.  We'd just laugh to ourselves.  There is no need to go into detail about the adoption, just get a laugh out of it and do what you've been doing.  

Answer 10

This is a little out there from what you're asking, but when I was fifteen my parents were divorcing and it was ugly.  My dad decided to tell me that I was not his biological daughter, that my mom was already pregnant and he married her anyway, and put his name on the birth certificate.  I had no doubt he was telling the truth, but I knew he was saying it to get me to hate my mom, which really pissed me off.  (Since he was being such a jerk, I decided to use his hate against him and ask if that was why he hated me so much--OUCH.)  He burst into tears then, and that was the end of that.  To make sure, I asked my mom if it was true..it was..and said I was not interested in talking about it, I did not care in the least, just wanted to make sure he had told me the truth.  They had never planned to tell me, but I didn't see how that affected my life in any way, so whatever.  It was a lousy way to find out, but I've never had any interest in finding out who my biological father is.  One is enough.

Answer 11

Whenever someone would tell me I look just like my mother and father, I would say "thank you" because I do.  I never told any of my friends growing up, and especially didn't tell anyone at school...know why? It's just not that big of a deal to me, and it never was an issue. Also, you're right in thinking it's nobody's business but your own.  Your wife can say that everything was fine when someone asks about the pregnancy and leave it at that. As long as your child is made aware of where he came from and your immediate and extended families are obviously aware, it's nobody elses business.

Answer 12

I think your wife is right. Not every one looks just like their parents. I never had anyone ask which parent I look like. It really isnt any of their business. Your wife sounds like a sound person and she obviously loves this child like her own. being a mother or a father has nothing to do with the blood, it all has to do with love. I met my B-mom and  I dont really look like her and my B-father has like 3 other children scattered around.

God bless you both I admire you for fostering this child.

Answer 13

I always felt that I should answer with a thank-you and then explain that he is adopted and we are "blood" relatives (He is my cousin's birthson).  I felt like I was lying if I did not tell the truth.  Then I came on here and have talked to my good friends who are adopted and all have said that you do not have to tell strangers or even acquaintances.  One of my best friends said she hated it when her parents felt like they should say she is adopted, she was there child and it was no one elses business.  When she told them this they stopped, her mom just felt like it was the correct way to answer, kind of like what I felt.  But my son is 5 now, I saw his face when I tell someone he does not like it either when I say he is adopted, so unless someone comes right out and ask, I don't tell everyone.  My family, close friends, and the school knows.  Those are the important people, the rest, it's none of their business.  Being adoptive belongs to my son, if he gets older and wants to tell people it is his choice now.

Answer 14

i was adopted when i was a year old and ive always known. my parents constantly would show me pictures when they picked me up and just always talked about it with such excitment that it felt normal to me.  i never felt unwanted even when they told that in china there was a law that my real parents could only have one child. it definetly had to do with the fact that i was young enoguh where i didnt realize the emotion behind it so as i got older it never felt like it was a big deal because i had always known so it wasnt a shock. but i never felt like it was a bad thing and im very open to firends that i am adopted and everyone is like oh thats so sad but i always say im fine with it and im happy and thats all that matters. my mom is asian and my dad is norwegian so people will mistake me as being half norwegian. sometimes i like to have fun and say i am cuz it sounds cool. haha but now i am 17 and i embrace the fact that i am adopted because i love my life and im very thankful to have been brought up in a good home.  

Answer 15

This sort of thing happened in the early years, as I looked enough like everyone else (same race, similar coloring) for people to not assume adoption.  In our family, we simply stated that I was adopted.  Most people didn't ask anything more about it beyond something like, "Really?  She looks so much like her father."   As I got older, I looked less and less like the rest of the family, so it subsided.  In fact, when I got older, people occasionally commented on how different I looked from the rest of my family.

I'm glad that my parents didn't avoid telling people, no matter the how much simpler it may have been to do so at times.  Here's why. As a young child, if my parents had simply gone with peoples' assumptions to avoid further conversation, the reasoning wouldn't have made sense or mattered to me.  I would have simply just seen that they weren't telling people I was adopted.  It would have been confusing for me.  I would have wondered if it were something shameful that shouldn't be told to people.

As an adult, I can speak for myself.  If I choose to avoid the topic of being adopted, that's my choice and I understand my own reasons.  

Answer 16

When people got too nosy about when my friend was "going to have kids" (she is infertile and in the adoption process) she started to say "this is not an appropriate conversation for the frozen food aisle of safeway." Because really it isn't...

Growing up people used to ask me all the time where I got my height (i am MUCH taller than my a-family). Sometimes I'd just say I was adopted and that shut them up. Sometimes my dad would jump in and joke that he "gave the height to her because he didn't need it anymore." Now I just say my birth father is 6'5 and that's where I get the height from.

I hate answering the question, though...

Answer 17

I don't think you have any obligation to tell strangers your life story, and particularly not to tell them your son's. Your personal lives are just that-- personal. As long as you're honest with your family and friends as well as with the child, I don't see any reason to tell random people at the grocery store the details of your child joining your family unless you feel it's appropriate to do so. No one would expect you to be willing to share everything about your biological child; I don't see why just because the child is adopted you should have to push yourself beyond the boundaries you're comfortable with in addressing strangers. Especially when the issue is the privacy of the child, not just your own as parents.

When your son gets older, he'll be able to decide on his own how much to share about his adoption. Now while he's young, I think how much you share with strangers you have no relationship with really depends on your level of comfort.

Answer 18

I was adopted.  My responses depended on my mood, who was asking and why they were asking,  If I felt like telling them I was adopted, I would.  If I didn't feel like it, I would just blow them off.

My mom also experienced people asking personal questions.  She had the same sort of policy.  She would either just say I was adopted or would just brush off their questions.

Answer 19

As an adoptee with an older adopted sibling (and an older sibling born-to-our-parents) as well, I'm lucky enough that my brother (also adopted) pretty much paved the way for me.

I grew up in a pretty small town and in addition to the fact that I look NOTHING like either of my parents, many/most people in our city already knew that my parents' family was being created (for the most part) by adoption.  My sister (natural child of our parents) is actually the one that looks kinda 'weird' if you ask me/us.  Our parents are both Caucasian and she is their natural child but she got the super-pale redheaded gene from somewhere in our father's lineage while our father, himself, had black hair and our mother, dark brown.  The three of us that are adopted all have hair that approximates our parents' hair more closely.  We all have darker skin, though.  My brother is bi-racial (half Alaskan Indian, half Caucasian), I am bi-racial (half Passamaquoddy Indian, half Caucasian) and our youngest sister is fully Mexican (racially speaking).

If we are talking to strangers (which happened a lot more when we were children), we usually just shared a private smile if something came up about us looking like one or the other of our parents.  We didn't bother to share our 'family constitution' with people we spoke to for a total of, maybe, 3 minutes in our entire lifetimes.  If it was a friend, neighbor (usually a new neighbor), classmate or someone like that, we might mention that we are adopted (or our parents might mention that they had adopted some of us) and then deal with the follow-up questions -- if there were any -- after that.  It was one of those things that I dealt with as it came up...and how I dealt with it depended on my mood and what the attitude of the asker was.

I agree with your wife that it's none of a stranger's business.  I don't really remember any pregnancy/labor type questions.  My mother is 5'1" and weighs about 95 lbs (has always weighed around 100 and weighed 128 on the morning that she gave birth -- BEFORE she gave birth).  She was only pregnant once (with my older sister) and it was REALLY obvious.  In our small city/town, it was no secret that my mother 'suddenly' had a child after obviously never being pregnant (this happened 3 times).  It was also not much of a secret that my parents were actively seeking to adopt.

As long as you are honest with your son and your family -- and you encourage him to speak about it (or not) as he feels comfortable -- I don't think there's a 'moral' obligation to explain the means by which your family was/is/will be created.  Your wife's answers seem just fine to me as far as any stranger is concerned.  Personally, I find it a little intrusive when a stranger asks questions about something as personal as pregnancy or labor...I know that it happens though.

As I've never experienced pregnancy myself, I can only imagine how it would be if some stranger said something like, "So, I notice that your husband has really big hands/feet.  Does that mean...?"  Know what I mean?  People can be really forward and somewhat thick-skulled at times, though, so ignorant comments/questions do occasionally come up.  Good luck!

Answer 20

Personally, I didn't like the fact that my parents kept my adoption a secret.  There isn't anything wrong with telling people you're in the process of adopting your son.  It almost seems like you''re ashamed, and, when he is old enough to know and understand, he wouldn't feel shameful about his circumstances, if you're open and honest about it.

Also, I know you're going to hurt when he comes to you and wants to know where his biological parents are, but understand, everyone has an innate feeling of wanting to know where they come from.  Help him if that times does come.