Adoptive parents do you recognize?

Question

the hole in a bmother that adoption creates, or are you just kind of completely overwhelmed with joy to get the baby? this is NOT meant to be snarky. i'm really wanting to know.

Answer 1

I cannot even imagine the depth of pain the biological family (or families) of our children will go through.  Because we're adopting through foster care, there's a whole different set of experiences that most birthmothers who relinquish at birth don't have.  For instance, addiction.  Addiction is painful, and is caused by pain.  I have experienced addiction.  I'm STILL experiencing addiction.  There are no words to describe that kind of pain.  And to lose your child due to addiction...something you feel you have NO control over...something that totally consumes you.  To have to live with that for the rest of your life.

It just kills me to see people come in here and say, "that woman screwed my kids up".  No.  No, I'm sorry, but "that woman" created your family for you, and experienced pain you can't possibly understand.  Even if she doesn't ACT like it's painful, how could anyone ever lose their child because of their own actions, and not feel horrible about themselves?  Anything you think you could say or do to that woman doesn't even hold a candle to what she does to herself.  I guarantee it.

Answer 2

Yes.

I wasn't overwhelmed with joy when our son was handed to us. I felt a lot of responsibility. The first thing I did was try to find his mother. We adopted internationally so it took some time to find a way to contact his mother, but we had to do it because I imagined her going to sleep at night wondering where he was and if he was ok.  We've been sending her money for years now, hoping that she would keep the other children she's had since.

Answer 3

I think that most women would identify with the loss of a child, mother or not. It's instinctual in my opinion.  As an adoptive mother, I have experienced loss of children myself with many miscarriages.  With that said, I feel very sad for any birth mother who has to make the decision to place her child for adoption due to no other choices she feels she has, or support.  There are however, some birth mothers who feel very strongly that their decision to place a child for adoption is the best, and are comfortable with it. That does not mean they do not grieve the loss however.

Answer 4

Well,  with human nature it's hard sometimes to understand what someone else is going through, which is why I get so upset at people on here trying to guess other people's motives, thoughts, attitudes

BUT, it is very possible to make every effort to try to put ourselves "in other's shoes"..and we should.  I'm just saying it takes effort and thought..

Answer 5

As an adoptive mother I am so overwhelmed with grief for my child and her parents. This baby who was neglected and left to starve, whose father is habitually in jail and whose mother is so drugged out that her on again, off again visits leave my poor baby with such distress that she wets herself the whole rest of the day after her visit.

My precious daughter is only 2 1/2 and I know she grieves the mother she lost over a year ago.

I also recognize the hole in the mother's heart where she should be holding her child. I see the guilt and the pain in her eyes when she has to say goodbye to her daughter.

But what can I do?  We have all tried to get this mother treatment, counseling, prayers, support & help...everything is refused.

Joy? no there is no joy when a mother cannot parent her child. The only joy is the child herself, a beautiful human life that deserves more than what she was dealt.

Our family feels she is a blessing in our lives, we only pray she will feel the same way. We pray that someday her parents can get it together to actually be in her life.

Answer 6

It's a very personal and private event in the life of my daughter's bio mom and myself so I'm not going to go into detail. But my answer is yes to the first part of your question.

Overwhelmed with joy? Not in the way you describe it.

Answer 7

Of course!  I have nothing but respect and admiration for the ordeals that my children's birthmother went though, not only keeping them safe during a bloody civil war, but for the heart-wrenching decision to relinquish her children for a chance at a better life.  I think about it all the time.

Answer 8

i don't find it snarky.  i was so mixed with emotions the day my daughter's mother signed the papers.  i was so happy to be a mom, and to be taking this wonderful person home with me.  but i felt so sad that her other mother would be leaving without her.  i had become close to her and felt for her like any friend.  but to know i was part of the source for her sadness was hard.   i can never and will never comprehend how she felt that day or still feels.  and i don't pretend to.

i have always felt bad that i wasn't overwhelmed with joy that day or in the days to follow.  everyone told me i should be, and i lied saying i was, but knowing what her other mother must be going through was on my mind and i couldn't be completely joyful without thinking about how she must be feeling.  

what i feel i've done, in the best interest of this child is to keep her other mother, and bio family actively involved in her life.  the first 3 months we talked on the phone at least once a day.  now we chat online or on the phone several times a week, often not talking about our daughter at all.  we've become close friends.  each on a different side, but we're all bonded through the experience.  and hopefully this contact and the closeness we feel for one another will help our daughter as she grows and has questions.  hopefully one of us will have the appropriate answer for her.

Answer 9

Yes, I was aware.  That is why i was not completely overwhelmed with joy to get the baby.  When the first mother held her baby, they kinda glowed.  There was a bond.  They knew each other.  You could see it and feel it.  I asked her, "Are you sure?"  Her reply was, "Yes, I'm sure you two are her parents."

There was a ceremony where she told us all of her hopes and dreams for her child before she physically handed her baby to us.  I was a blubbering idiot.  I respect her with all my heart.  That is why open adoption is so easy for me.

Hope i answered your question.

Answer 10

I am a birth mother and the people who adopted my son have been amzing in every way. Their son sends me mothers day gifts.  The mother and i talk alot about parenting as i now have 2 more children.  she has been a great help to me and i think she is so grateful  to be given the chance to parent she wants to support me.  I cant imagine the hole adoptive moms may feel at the loss of birth and pregnancy. I mean that is a huge thing.

Answer 11

I like this question, it is a good one.  My husband and I are in the process of adoptiong three children.  The rights of hte parents have been terminated, and as of when they move the parents will not have contact.  There are safety issues and the courts have said their is to be no identifying informaiton of the adoptive family to the birth family.  We will have their informaiton and when children are old enough will share it.

Am I aware of the hole and pain and suffering the parents will go through?  Absolutely I can't even imagine that pain.  I realize their life circumstances and their choices put them in their position, but I can still empathize with them.  As a former foster parent I saw how hard it was for families to be separated.  

So yes we are aware of the pain that everyone is going through.  We are going through out own pain to be honest.  I know people will yell at me for this but the day we officially said yes to adopting these three fabulous kids, I actually, although happy, cried and cried and cried.  I realize that although these chldren will be a blessinga nd I am looking forward to our lvies together, that even though I have known for five years I am unable to have biological children, that this event of becoming an adoptive parent also was a reality day that I will never have a baby.  So I grieved, and I grieved hard.  The children will have their grief and the birth parents have theirs.  I am done grieving now and can't wait for them to come.  I can emptahize with the other parents, but still celebrate the creation of my family.  It is weird but it is waht it is.

Thanks for the question, hope I didn't bore you!

Answer 12

cagney said just what I was thinking.

Answer 13

Not an adoptive mother but I know many. All the ones i have talked to about adoption realize that it is a difficult thing for most moms to giveup their babies and they respect that.  They understand that there will be questions and that the birthmothers and even fathers might have an empty feelings missing their baby.  They are overwhelmed with joy over having a baby to love but they were all very respectful towards the birthparents (the ones that were there for the birth and such).  The ones that adopted children through the county and the children were from abusive homes or born drug addicted the adoptive parents really didn't feel bad for the birthparents at all becaues they didn't have the baby's best interest at heart.

Answer 14

I think adoption is wonderful idea for many reasons.  I mean, it gives pregnant teens an alternative to abortion, it gives infertile parents a chance to have a child, and it prevents another child from having to go into an orphanage.

I would think that most adoptive parents are very grateful to have a child, and love their adoptive child like he or she were their own natural child.

Answer 15

One of my closest friends just adopted a baby from Korea, and she feels a lot of sorrow not only for the birthmom, but also for the foster mom who mothered the baby for the past 7 months.  She said it was a mix of great joy that she finally had a child, but also sadness over the sacrifices the other mothers had to make.  But in the same vein, she cannot think about the other mother's loss too much because it is painful, and she wants to be able to enjoy this bonding time with her child.  She recognizes the other women's loss, appreciates what they went through to give Ella up, and is glad that she can take over where they had to leave off.