Adoptive parents- how does it make you feel when your child wants to look for their real parents and?

Question

have a relationship with them? i am a birth mother to be, and thinking that my baby boy might want to reconcile with me eventually makes me feel better but i feel bad for his parents because that might be a slap in the face to them...

Answer 1

My child is still very young, but we are in contact with his first family. I feel like my son's first families role in his life does nothing to detract from my role in his life.

I am no less valuable or important to my son because of their presence... and that works both ways. They are no less valuable or important to my son because of my presence.

My son will benefit from knowing all the people who love him and care for him and helped to make him who he is.

At the same time, I am human and am sure there will be times I feel pangs of jealousy over that relationship. I really hope that when those times come, I can handle them with maturity and in a way that will not make my son feel guilty or that he has to choose. That is what I will strive to do.

Answer 2

Its just part of life.  I wouldn't want to live my life not knowing who brought me to earth but finding them does not make a difference if you were a good parent.  The love you gave them cannot be replaced and they will love you forever.  

Real parents are those who are with you when you need them the most, when you gave your first step, when you said your first word and when you had your first fall.  Those are the moments that leave marks.

Those who have two sets of parents are blessed but I'm sure they each have their own space in their hearts.

Answer 3

I hope someday my son will contact his birth mother.  In fact we have talked about it.  I keep track of her and, other family members so when he is old enough he will be able to do that (If he wants)  without having to pay 100's of hours and dollars looking....In fact I was just thinking today that I should contact her and ask her to write him a letter so he will have more understanding of what happened and maybe he will be able to forgive and more past any feelings he might have....

It doesn't make him any less my son also...I love him with all my heart but, I know he has a mother and a history I can not tell him much about......

Answer 4

My adoptive parents supported me in finding my birth parents.  Because I was a foster child in their home before the adoption, they knew what my birth name was.  My father was happy for me when I found my birth mother, but was reluctant to listen to details. He was afraid he'd loose my affection.  I loved him even more, if that's possible!  Because he loved ME enough to me in support my search in spite of his own fears.  It didn't take long for him to realize that nothing would separate me from him.  

When I searched for my birth parents, I didn't expect to have a relationship with them.  Luckily, we got to know each other and I did form relationships with each of them - and some of my bio-siblings, as well.  

You are most certainly NOT a horrible person for wanting to know your child.  Separating a mother from her child is not a "natural" event.  That doesn't mean there's never a reason to choose adoption.  I don't doubt that you are doing what you believe is best in your situation.   As my birth mother did.  

Be sure you talk to the prospective adoptive parents about how "open" you want this adoption to be.  How much contact you all want to have and will be comfortable with; if you want photos as the child grows, perhaps a letter about his development; how they'll feel about their child's NATURAL curiosity; if they are comfortable sharing your identity with this child when he is 18 (or at what ever age you all decide is appropriate).  

Knowing that they will be comfortable talking with this child and answering his questions will ease your guilt.  Hopefully the discussion will help prepare them, too.  And they'll understand that their child loves them even when he's curious about his roots.  If they're not willing to be open, you might want to consider a different placement for your child.  

Be SURE to get some counseling NOW. Before the end of your pregnancy, before relinquishing your child.  You will go through a grieving process.  You need to take care of yourself and hopefully have some tools to deal with the intense emotions you are experiencing now and  that you will be experiencing.  

Check out the web site for Concerned United Birth parents, where you'll find support, loving acceptance and understanding.  YOU ARE IMPORTANT, too!  

http://www.cubirthparents.org/

    and...

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

God bless, my friend.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women,

Who never knew each other.

One you do not remember,

The other you call mother.

Two different lives Shaped to make yours one

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

The second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality.

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you up,

it was all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,

The age-old question through the years:

Heredity or environment-- which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling, neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

Answer 5

No, you're not horrible!  Most adoptees I know (me included) would be thrilled to have a first mother who wanted to stay in contact.

No matter what, you will always be one of your son's parents.  I did not have one set of parents replaced by another, I just have four parents.  Two made me, two raised me, and all four are part of who I am.

My adoptive parents were very supportive of my search, even though I could tell my a'mom found it a bit painful.  When you love someone, you put their needs ahead of your fears.

Answer 6

The search for my real Mom has only brought me and my adoptive parents closer

If I find my real Mom (unlikely due to sealed records) she will be welcomed by my adoptive parents as part of the family

I know I'm lucky, I know some adoptees have a real guilt trip put upon them when they just want to know who and where they came from

It sounds like your child is staying in the family anyway, so why would they object to anything, you are family.

Answer 7

There is no such thing as a "birthmother to be". That is adoption industry propaganda.

Since your already know the gender of your fetus I suppose it is too late for an abortion?

Keep your child. Do whatever it takes. Your child needs YOU. Mothers are NOT replaceable.

If you go through with legally abandoning your child, know that those papers you sign will not change the fact that you are a mother. Know that your child could grow up to hate you for abandoning him.

Your child does not need "new parents". He already has parents!

Be responsible and take care of your child. You owe him that.

Answer 8

Right now you are a mother-to-be.

Please keep your baby. You are the mother he has chosen.

Do more research. It is wrong to assume you may go on to have other children, the rates of secondary infertility are high in moms who relinquish.

It is NOT your responsiblility to worry about the feelings of couples who chose to adopt, concern yourself with your baby and self.

Answer 9

It's completely natural for an adopted child to inquire of their biological parents, and that's something all adoptive parents should keep in mind. Just because there's curiosity does not displace their relationship with the child. You're not a horrible person for I'm sure every mother who puts their child up for adoption only wants them to have a better life than they can offer, but of course there will be emotional setbacks for the child, which are inevitable so don't feel bad. But I'm sure in the future if you wish to suddenly establish a maternal relationship once the child has grown and is intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding his/her circumstances would feel a bit hurt that he/she was the one who became the adopted while you kept the rest, and he/she will think that regardless of your situation in the future. Which is why sometimes parents who give their children away should understand that adoption severs a very important bond and damages everyone involved.

I'm not trying to scare you, only letting you in reality. Don't be surprised when there's resentment but I hope the adoptive parents will teach your child to be mature about such a situation (if they plan on divulging his/her birth which I assume they will). If I was the one being adopted I would somehow feel better that my birth mother actually still thought of me even years after and still wants a relationship, but a little hurt that adoption had to be her choice.

Answer 10

I like Thatswhatshesaid's answer. Her situation is different from mine in that my son was adopted through the county and currently has no contact with his birth mother, but I fully expect that someday he will want to search for her. Will it hurt a little? Sure, I think it will. But it's his right and I can't possibly know how he feels/will feel given that I was not adopted. I hope that by the time my son is old enough to want to search for his birth mother I will be secure enough to support him 100% and feel no qualms. I would never stand in his way or try to make him feel guilty; as I said, I can't possibly understand the feelings that adoptees have with regard to wanting to know where they came from. Knowing that is a right, not a privilege, and I want my son to be able to exercise all of his rights as a human being!

Answer 11

Hopefully the aparents you've chosen would want your child to have a relationship with you.  

Don't feel bad for this adoptive parent. Every child has a right to know where they came from and it is in the best interest of the child to know it's true identity. My heart sings knowing that my daughter has no secrets.

Answer 12

Your baby will want to find you. Hopefully the adoptive parents know your real name and you dont change your last name too many times ( via mairage ect ) for your child to track you down.

It does hurt the adoptive parents feeling somewhat at first because the focus or "parent" is taken off them for some time, but i the long run it levels out and if they really care for your child they will be happy with the new situation.

Good luck, stay easy to find and wait.