Adoptive parents of older children, have you felt your loss?

Question

Hello,

This question is for anyone who has adopted older children from the system and does not/cannot have biological children of their own....if you have adopted older chidlren, how did you deal and grieve your loss of not having the experiences of other mothers such as choosing a name, getting to see their milestones etc.?

Just thought I would see if others had the same issues to process.

Thanks,

Answer 1

I recently adopted a 3 year old boy who I love very much.......truth be told I am not crazy about his name but you can't really change a child's name too easily.....as for the milestones I might have missed potty training and walking and the first time he ate solid food but I focus on the positives......

I was there for his first day of preschool...the first time he said the ABC's...the first time he counted....

I love my son and truth be told I would not have adopted a baby because I feel there are enough people adopting babies and older children need love too...maybe the next child I adopt will be a little bit younger but I don't feel that I need to grieve the loss of certain milestones...

Answer 2

I'm not infertile, so I wonder if knowing I had a choice made it easier to accept the differences of adopting older kids?

I honestly was never into the name choosing thing, so it suited us that our kids came with their own names.  

As for the milestones - you still get them, they're just different.  We did adopt a toddler so there were plenty of the usual things, and I'm sure somewhere we have the first tooth he lost, etc.   But now that he's nine, that's all very foggy and unimportant.  With our two newest kids, who started a new school when they came to us, we have milestones like the first time a classmate called and asked them to come over.  That was a big day!  We have the first time the kids went skating - we videotaped it and they have fits of laughter watching.  There's the first time the new kids gave me spontaneous hugs and told me they loved me - that was a  big day.

Answer 3

Great question!  

I adopted my son from foster care when he was 2-1/2. At first I grieved for the things I didn't get to experience with my son: his first smile, tooth, and step; his first word, first birthday, and all of the baby moments that I never had with him. Eventually all that grief just slid away. I still sometimes wish I'd been there to witness all of those special things, but I don't agonize over it. My son has been in my life for nearly five years now and we have had so many of our own moments! I was there when he swam for the first time on his own, when he rode a two-wheeler for the first time, and when he lost his first (and second...and third...and fourth) tooth. I took him on his first airplane ride, let him pick out his first puppy, and took him to school for the first time. My son is the best part of my life -- he makes me laugh every day and I love watching his intelligence blossom. What is important to me is NOW -- how he's growing and learning and what we share together. The past is important and I am grateful to my son's foster parents for giving him a good start, but I wasn't there for it and it no longer matters to me. What matters is that he was well taken care of those first two and a half years and he is benefitting from their love and care even now.

Answer 4

As I have not adopted an child, I am an adopted child.

From experience it is something that goes through a woman's mind the yearning of experiencing this process.

What I have found helpful is to take on the roll of parent to a pregnant teen and be there with them throughout their pregnancy.

There are lots of young girls out there pregnant needing a support and by this you can also have the same first experience as they do!

Sutter health has a pregnant teens program

Good luck

Answer 5

I had to take a few minutes to think about this.  My husband and I chose to adopt through foster care INSTEAD OF having biological kids.  I have no idea if I'm infertile or not (it's a possibility, but not necessarily a fact), so I don't know that I really have anything to grieve (and I don't really want to find out).  We had decided to try for a biological child, and then changed our minds before I became pregnant.  I guess I'm willing to leave the "baby" stage to foster parents because it's a reward all its own to know that I'm giving a home to a child who might otherwise not be adopted (although that's unlikely...there are so many PAP's waiting in Oregon right now that I'm actually worried that our homestudy could expire before we are matched with a child).