Adoptive parents what would you do?

Question

What would you do if your child came to you and said she was facing an unplanned pregnancy at age 13.....16.....18?

Would the age matter? How would your own experience with adoption influence the advice you were to give her?

What responsibilities do you have to help her preserve her only relationship with a blood relative?

It obvious that no parent would want their child to have to face this situation but if my daughter did I would hope that she have her child. (This is most likely influenced by my pro-life beliefs.)

I would hope that she would want to parent her child and I would support her 150%.

Say your child is a boy and he has just told you that he and his girlfriend are expecting and she wants to place the child for adoption. What responsibility do you have to your son to preserve the relationship with the only blood relative he has.

For the sake of argument let us just say that you or your child does not know their natural family.

Answer 1

My first thought is counseling to help.

My second thought is if you want to act like an adult it time to put your big girl pantys on and deal with it.  I would help her to research and make an informed decision.  It would be totally her decision, i would have to keep my mouth shut.  I would support her 100% not matter her decision, without my influence.  Her baby, her decision.

Don't have any boys but let me take a guess.  The two who made the baby would have to decide.  I would support both of them and encourage them to make a decision together.

Answer 2

Oh, I have thought of this.  I have a 15-year-old daughter who is struggling with the usual teen challenges on top of adoption issues.  She has made some really unsafe choices already, and I have had to face the possibility that something like that could happen.  I don't have a single doubt in my mind what I would want her to do.  First of all, I would let her know that the choice is hers, and that I will support whatever choice she makes.  

I would spend lots of time with her, and also provide her with good counselors so that she could make an EDUCATED decision.  

Last of all, I would pray with all my heart that she would choose to keep the child.  I know how much it would hurt ME to lose my grandchild.  I think I know that it would also devesate her if she lost her child to adoption.  

Now, seeing as how I'm an adoptive mom, does that sound like I'm saying that my experience with adoption has been bad?  No, absolutely not.  I'm just saying that adoption is traumatic for everyone, and should truthfully be a last resort when the child's very safety is at stake.  If a teenager has a family who can help her and be there for her, then there's no logical reason a baby should be placed for adoption.  A couple of hundred years ago it was quite common for teenagers to become wives and mothers.  It's not about a teenager's age.  It's about whether she has the ability to keep the baby safe.  If she has supportive family to help her, the odds are greatly in favor of the child's life being less traumatic than if the child is adopted.

Answer 3

I have 2 children, 10 years apart. The oldest, a girl, is by birth, the youngest, a boy by adoption. I never married until my son was 6. My daughter got pregnant at 19 and the baby was premature by 2 months. She never bonded with him and it caused a real problem for me. I did bond but also saw that she was too immature, too selfish, and no way ready for a baby, let alone a preemie. I have a very deep faith and close friends who also have a deep faith. My closest friend's child is also adopted. I went back to the agency I worked with to get my son and placed my grandson with a couple I picked out. He's almost 10 and doing well. At first I saw him but later pulled back. It was a difficult decision but I was too old to raise a baby. If my son got a girl pregnant, I would abide by their decision. Having been in a position where I desperately wanted a baby, I can relate. I'd want to use the same agency.

Answer 4

I really liked the "Dr. Phil approach".  Whatever avenue she is leaning toward, I'd try to find a way to get her some experience in that area.  For instance, if she is leaning toward aborting, I would try to find some women who had had abortions who could talk to her and explain what it was like for them.  If she was leaning toward completing the pregnancy, and considering adoption, then I would find some first mothers for her to talk to.  If she's considering parenting, I'd go get those dolls that wake you up 15 times a night, lol.  Or maybe, if I had a friend with a young child, have her stay with the friend for awhile to see what goes into parenting.

I'd try really hard not to sway her decisions one way or another, but I'd want her to be VERY informed, and talk to a lot of people about the reality of the situation before making any final decisions.  I would really hope that she would keep the baby and take care of him/her herself.  But, I would also empathize with the difficult choice she has to make, and understand that I have never been in her position, and therefore, I'm not in any kind of position to tell her what to do.

If my son were to tell me that his girlfriend were pregnant, I would offer to talk to her if she wanted to.  I don't know that I would really feel that it was my place to step in any further than that, unless I had developed a close relationship with her or her parents.  That would be a really sticky situation (one that I have put some thought into, and still don't have any clear answers).

Answer 5

I would discuss the options with my child and try to come to a decision that they can live with

Answer 6

I think I would just assume that my daughter was going to have her baby and raise it at home with us.

If it was our son, and the mother didn't want the baby, I would again assume that he was going to bring it home and raise it with us.

Now you've got me wondering what I'd do if my daughter waited a week then told me that she was going to abort, or that she wanted to place her baby for adoption. I don't know what I'd do then.

Answer 7

No matter what the decision is, it is not an easy choice to make.  Regardless of your own beliefs, you need to let her decide (or him) on his own.  It has nothing to do with blood ties.  You can't sacrifice your dreams simply to hang on to something like that.  If the child was under 16, I would encourage abortion.  

The hardest thing in the world is to sit back and be 100% supportive without coloring their choice.

Answer 8

I would support my daughter (if I had one) 100%.  I'd ask her to keep her baby and let me help her or have her let me have temporary parental rights until she was older or forever- if she wanted.

I do have a son.  I pray to God that he and his girlfriend would come to me.  I would do the same for her.  

All of this depends upon the assumption that I was in the proper circumstance to help out.  If I couldn't  parent a baby for any reasoin, I'd ask a family member to help before suggesting adoption.

If we had to do adoption, I'd request an open adoption. with grand parental rights.

I don't believe in abortion.

Answer 9

We parents pray this doesn't happen, but it does.  The decision would be my child's, and no matter what, she, or he, would be educated about any aspect they talk about concerning the pregnancy.  #1 is to make sure they get an education, as the help to get that is temporary, and the support of a child is permanent.  I would strongly discourage abortion, but if they were insistent, I would tell them I am against if, provide counseling before and after, and be there through it.  Also, as an adoptive parent who wants to adopt again (my oldest son, natural, is 19, and my youngest, adopted is 6 months), I would hope that if the young woman didn't want the baby, that we could adopt it, and raise it, knowing the circumstances and loving the child through it all.

Most of all, there would be a lot of prayer and guidance for the kids involved (all 3).

Answer 10

My son is nine, so this possibility isn't too far off.

Our policy is that he needs to support the mother in whatever her decision is.  I would be crushed if she chose an abortion, and would insist that we be in on the planning of any adoption.

I don't think that kids should be raising kids, but if that was their decision, then we would support them in it, helping with childcare, and temporarily with housing until they were able to afford their own home/ apartment.

If the children were very young,(under 15) we might seek custody if an adoption were planned, and perhaps even if one weren't. Kids that age aren't ready to make this kind of decision.  Much older than that, though, and I think we would be too old to consider parenting their child.

Answer 11

There is nothing my child caould do to lose my love and support.

Although a child maybe unexpected, there's always room in my home for another, that is, if it were necessary.  I would do my best to ensure she could still get an education and follow her dreams as a mother.

Answer 12

first off, I would absolutely enable her to parent.. I'd help her out until she's able to take care of herself and the baby..

If she was a minor and under my roof/authority I would absolutely NOT ALLOW an abortion.. I make no apologies for defending the life of those who have no "choice" and cannot defend themselves..

but I would encourage my daughter to parent with my help..

I asked my mom once how she'd personally advise a pregnant teen..I liked her advice (I'll quote as accurately as I can)

"to tell the girl to allow the child AND HER to 'grow up together' under her parents' roof until she (the teen) was "grown up" enough to support herself and the child."   Hope that makes sense LOL.. did to me.. I liked the "grow up together" way that mom put it..

No I would not encourage my daughter to relinquish, unless circumstances were just SUPER crazy that, together as a family, there was still NO WAY we could take care of this child..

if it were my SON who got a woman pregnant, I'd naturally have a lot less influence with the mother's decision, but I'd encourage my son if he was at least 16 to get some kind of job to help support this child, and I'd certainly offer whatever assistance I could to allow the parents to parent..

Answer 13

I support adoption 100% in the right situation.  If it were one of my children making the choice I would discourage it becuase we have a very supportive family that could raise a child.  I wouldn't understand why you would give a child up if you have the ability to care for it and have the support to meet the needs of the child.

Answer 14

I've been a teen mom, so I have a bit of empathy and insight into this.  It's also why my teenager and I have many, many talks about s*x, birth control, birth control failure and consequences.  This is my biological son; my children from adoption are too young for this talk yet.  But I will have it with them, when they are old enough for it.

If my son told me that his girlfriend was pregnant, I would want a big sit-down meeting with the girl and her parents, if possible.  If the girlfriend's family was thinking of adoption, I would offer to raise my grandchild.  If the girl's family was disowning her and threatening to kick her out, my door would be open.  

But I'm young and healthy (one of the benefits to being a very young parent).  I am physically capable of caring for a child and willing to do so.  Not all future grandparents are able and willing to raise a grandchild.  

If it were my daughter who was pregnant, I would never threaten, coerce or pressure her into adoption.  If she felt she was ready to be a parent, I would do everything I could to help her.  But if she resolved on her choice to place for adoption outside of our family, I would support her as well.  Either way, I would offer to raise my grandchild.

I do think that it is in the best interests of the child if there is permanency and stability in the parenting, meaning if the teenager is unwilling or unable to parent, custody should be with the grandparents.  I think it's better to be raised by a fulltime grandparent than a teen parent who isn't ready for that role.  I've seen it happen growing up, where my mother was the emergency contact for a friend of the family (teen mom) and we were called at all hours of the night because the mom left the child at a babysitter and disappeared for  a week. If a teen parent can't commit to BEING a parent (with support of the family) then it's best for custody to be with the grandparent or an adoptive family.

It wouldn't matter if the teen in question is the child of my body or one of my children from adoption.  My decision would be the same.

Answer 15

If it was my son (who's 2 1/2) or his girlfriend I'd give them all their options and support them in making a choice that makes sense for the two of them.  

If they wanted to parent, I would give them every resource I could to be able to do that.  If they want to make an adoption plan, I would assist with that (with the hopes that they would choose to have an open adoption) and make sure they are dealing with an ethical agency.  If they chose abortion, I would support that choice as well.