Adoptive parents when the time comes will you help your child search?

Question

Okay, let me start off that this is just a question. I'm not trying to be mean. i was wondering how adoptive parents feel about their children doing a search for their birth family. Would you try to help them? Would it make you jealous or worried if they found their birth families?---- I personally feel that the adoptive parent would be help and support their child. I mean most parents support their children in what they want to do.

But I read somewhere that adoptive parents don't help with searchs because they feel that the child will replace them with the birth parents. I think that is untrue.

I was just wondering...

Answer 1

Anyone that is tries to find their "birth parents" is a little jerk :)

I say heck with them let them find them on there own.

Answer 2

I would for sure help my daughter search for her family when she is ready.  She has a right to know where she came from and what happened that brought her to me.  I feel that that is only fair to her.  No jealousy would be there because she also knows who was there for her when she needed someone the most so I have no reason to ever be insecure in that regard.  My parents helped me search for my birth family and I was soooooo thankful!  We had the understanding that I wasn't gonna replace them with my bio-family.  I know who was there for me when I needed them and for that reason, I consider my adoptive family my real family so they had nothing to worry about.  I hope that my daughter will feel blessed to have that much more family.  My only concern (like any parent) is that she just enter with caution because I don't want for her to get hurt in the process.  I will always support her in what she wants to do as far as her bio-fam.

Answer 3

I am adopted by my father.  My mother is my biological mother.  They wouldn't be mad, but I'msure my dad would be hurt a little, b/c he was there for me through my whole life and my drug dealing abusive bio father wasn't.  The only way I would look for him is for medical purposes.  Other than that, I really never even think about the man.

Answer 4

I would like to think I would be supportive and help my adopted son look for his birth mother.

Answer 5

I think this is a very delicate situation.  Whether or not the adoptive parents help the child search depends on what the child wants, how mature the child is, and what the parents know.  

For instance, my brothers' biological parents were drunk drug addicts who were on and off the streets who lost all 7 of their children.  Some of the children they gave up at birth...  some were taken away from them.  They never managed to keep a child more than 9 months.  My brothers are both mentally retarded from prenatal exposure to...  well, no one really knows what all they were exposed to.  The older one was also malnurished after spending nerely the first six months of his life in the custody of his biological mother before he was removed.  The younger of the boys was born in a public toilet...  she did pull him out and leave him at a hospital, so I suppose she wasn't the worst possible mother.

The younger of my brothers has alwasy wanted to meet his biological parents...  who knows if they're even still alive.  I know I would never help him in this search!  He is not emotionally mature enough to cope with the possible consequences.  He doesn't have the cognitive capabilities to realize what could happen.  What if he tried to run off with her?  

In fact, I think 18 is probably too young for most adoptees to be ready to meet their biological parents if they are at all conflicted about the idea.  This isn't a universal rule of course, but I know how I felt at 18.  It wasn't even MY biological mother I was searching for (yes, sounds crazy, but I did try to track down my brothers bio-mom).  The thing was, what I wanted to find was a way to get revenge on her.  I'm not sure what I would have done if I'd been able to find her...  something dumb I assume.  I had so much hate and anger in me directed at her.  It is painful to watch someone grow up handicapped and hurting and knowing that it wasn't some random accident, but something that had been DONE to them.  

Of course, every adoption situation is different.  Open adoptions are usually the best way to get well adjusted children.  In situations where that is not possible, however, knowing when it is a good idea to help your child search has to be a hard thing.  Curiosity is fine, and should be satiated.  However, I know if I ever adopt, I would be very very scared to help my child search for his/her biological parent if I felt like they were still consumed by fear or anger.  18 is still developmentally fairly young.  Humans are still evolving and most studies say that adolecence brain patterns are lasting longer and longer in people.  You want to make sure your child is truly ready for all the possibilities before you expose them to something that could be so emotionally jarring.

Answer 6

My 16-year-old adopted daughter and I have had discussions about this recently.  I told her all I know about her birth parents and their families (including the fact that her birth mother had another daughter about 2 years later).  She says she really wants to meet them.  I understand that.  I'm sure I'd feel the same way in her place.  When the day comes (she legally has to be at least 18) I will enthusiastically help her find them without feelings of jealousy or insecurities about "being replaced".  (In fact, I'm looking forward to it!)

Answer 7

I would absolutely help my daughter.  Knowledge is power...the more knowledge she has about her birthfamily, the less questions in her mind.  

Would i be worried that she may reject me in favor of them?  Of course, but when you agree to adopt you agree to be a non-traditional family, so you have to go with things that may put you out of your comfort zone.

Answer 8

I think it's best to have them involved in their lives from day one, then you never have to help them search. Sometimes natural mothers choose not to be involved in their child's life, but if they do, adoptive parents should honor that throughout the child's life. They can become an extension of you and your family and it can be wonderful.

Answer 9

Absolutely every adoptive parent should help their child search for their birth family.

Answer 10

If my child decides to search out their birth parents and wants my help, then yes, I will help them.  Otherwise I will just support them in what ever they decide to do, search or not.

Answer 11

I'm an adoptee.  My a'parents were very supportive of my search.  They love me unconditionally and want what is best for my physical, psychological, and emotional health.

Answer 12

I would help my daughter. I mean it is her right to know and if she can find her and they are friends in the end then great. I wouldnt be jealous or hurt by it. At least she would know her and she could ask her question.

Answer 13

I will support my child in his choice to do whatever it is that will make him happy.  If he chooses to try to contact his first parents, then I will help him.  If he chooses to not contact them, I will support that as well.  However, I feel that it is his choice and his choice alone as to what he wants to do or what he is comfortable with.

To say that I love my son and then not support him in something that is important to him does not make sense to me.  I couldn't imagine not helping him if he asked for it.

Answer 14

My son has an open adoption, he won't have to go through the search that my husband and I have (he FINALLY has decided to search, YEA!).

Finding his father will be trickier than finding his mom, but we keep track of him at least, even though there is no contact there.  To find his mom will require only picking up the phone.  They have a great relationship.

Answer 15

We will absolutely help our children find their birth family if that is what they choose.  I would be lying if I said we will encourage it, because it was left as 'don't contact me, ever'.

Yes, we are concerned about what happens at that point, not for us, but for our children.  We are concerned that they will not like what they hear or find at that time and it could be hurtful.  However, even though we might express that concern, we will let them know that we will be there for them in whatever capacity they want us to be, and not let that concern get in their way of finding what they need to find.

Answer 16

My adopted children are still young, 8 and 2, but when they want to locate their birth family I will be more than supportive of their search. I will give them any information that I have to help. Searching for birth families is not a slap in the face to adoptive parents, it brings closure to the children about their birth families. It is important that I be there for my girls and help them get through whatever the outcome of the search is -good or bad. They will know that I love them no matter what. They will know that I chose them because I want them. They will know that I support them in that decision and that I will be there even if the birth family turns out to be great or not.