Adoptive parents who work?

Question

Ok i'm sorry if this seems like i'm stirring, I don't mean to be. But this has been bothering me since I've read a few, not all, of the answers to a question earlier about adoptive parents who place their children in daycare.

For those who were so quick to judge and make comments that looked down on parents who put their children in daycare because they work.

I'm a vet tech. Not once has someone ever told me I should be at home after i saved their furry baby's life.

What about when you desperately need a police officer, firefighter, doctor, ER staff to help your child?

These service professions have high instances of working parents. Do you feel that same way when you need their services for your child? What would happen if that person was home with their child that day and not taking care of yours?

Answer 1

It would make it more possible for my adult College Graduates to have a good job, build their base and foundation so that when they decide to parent they can afford to have one parent stay home or work from home....

I am not opposed to working parents.... I work for income and always have but, I am also not for having my child spend more hours with substitute care then with me... It is amazing how fast the early years go zipping by---and the issue is no longer relavent....

I would NEVER trade the short time I have as my child's "first teacher" to do anything else....but, I don't see it as all or nothing. As children grow there is more then enough time to do things that keep income, brain and society going.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that parents just put on a MooMoo and stay home making cookies for 18 years.... but, I do think those first five years are vital... even with some time in social situations like pre-school. My little boy attended pre-school 3 hours, 3 days a week....  He loved it and the children who were there everyday from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. were actually very sad....  

Taking a few years off and investing it in a young child is not a big sacrifice. Having strangers be the one's to kiss the skinned knees and feed them lunch is time parents can never get back....

No--not every parent can stay home... But, if it is a priority for a family it is very possible. As an animal VET a mother could work the night shift at the Emergency Animal Hospital while dad takes care of the children.... Mom can still help hurt animals, and the parents can make it possible for their children to be home--with parents who love them more then anyone else every could....

I have made many adjustments to my work and interests during the 24 years I have been a mother.... I will never regret the days I was at home to meet them off the bus, and play the little kid games.... or to be able to go pick one up at school on a bad day....fast because I can....

Answer 2

why would an adoptive parent be expected to stay home any more so than the one that pops the baby out ....you work to give your child the things in life they need..food shelter and hopefully some of the things they want...there is always gonna be guilt whether you carried that baby nine months or got it when it was nine months old...its what mothers regardless of birth or adoptive ...deal with everyday..doing whats best for the family.

edit: love the thumbs down on my own freakin opinion...my opinion..you wanna add yours answer the question

Answer 3

i dont have children but i was a child who was put in pre school and also on a night i was at a childminder(not all the time- but my mum and dad work shifts so depending)

when both my mum and dad were off we would go like to the beach and have quality family time together

i think that going to preschool and childminders helped me at school to make friends etc as i was always with children from a young age

if/when i have children adopted or not i will  put them in an environment where family time is quality and where they can have friends and learn at preschool



[xx] rach [xx]

Answer 4

Today, my adopted son turned 6 months, and this week I put him in daycare for the first time, and only part time.  Quite frankly, I think I'm a little more appreciative of him, and I researched the daycare, his aunt works at it, and he fit right in from day one.  We did it so we can fix up a house we just bought to make a better life for him.  I'm glad I can be at home most of the time, but occaisionally, kids need to be around other kids, as it helps their personality and their immunity.

Answer 5

I'm grateful for people in service professions.  I'm in one myself.

HOWEVER, after we adopted my son, I stopped working, until after he was in school full time.  Even now, I only work part time, and only  hours when my son is in school, or my husband can be home with him.

We've made sacrifices so that I can stay home, and I catch a LOT of flack from my parents, and my husband's, about "not adding to the family income."

I have VERY little tolerance for people who pay other people to raise their children.  Occasional daycare is one thing, preschool is another, but these parents who drop their children off at six am and don't pick them up until seven or eight at night make me crazy.  (and don't tell me they don't exist.  I used to WORK daycare, and had several families like this)

I do think that parents who are adopting a child younger than school age should only consider doing so if one parent can be a full time parent.

edited to add:

At the time that I was placed, the belief was that the child should not be allowed to bond with anyone until they were placed in their adoptive home.  I  went through three foster homes in three weeks, before being placed with my family.

Answer 6

All parents have a right to work if they need to. I don't judge a woman for going back to work, I don't judge a woman for staying home with her kids. Everyone should do what is right for their child.

Answer 7

If we're talking "best possible" situation, its best for a child who is experiencing separation trauma to be able to and attach to their new primary caregiver as much as possible without the fear of them going and coming daily before they are able to "trust" in the world.

They "say" it "usually" takes 3 or more different caregivers for a child to develop RAD like symptons or coping mechanisms to survive the loss and transfer of caregivers. I believe it takes only one, but thats just my personal opinion.

3 days old I was placed into a foster home.

I'm unsure if that was my only home or if I had been to others, but I BELIEVE it was the ONLY foster home for me.

5.5 I was adopted into my adoptive family.

2 weeks later I was put into full time daycare 5 days a week all day long.

That in itself is 3 transfers. I was with that caregiver ( whos daughters are my lifelong best friends now and are "like" sisters to me )I have what some call "attachment" disorders. I don't like to call them disorders, but in order to get the message across thats whats clearest.

I think what needs to happen here is we need to step outside the "everyone must work" idea for just a moment please and address what the CHILD is going through.

When children lose their mothers, they experience separation trauma.

Then they go to a foster home/ orphanage ( and hopefully JUST ONE ) and learn to trust the caregivers there, they get comfortable, start to adjust.... start to trust....start to learn to attach again.

Then they're moved into the adoptive home. Trust now gone again.This now to an infant or child begins to = The only people you begin to depend on leave. Children can't just be passed from primary caregiver to the next caregiver without "attachment coping mechanisms" forming.

Eventually, some shut out the world, because facing another "loss" of caregiver that we love, like our mother, jeopardizes our trust in humanity.

This is when I realized it was me and only me in the world. That i have nobody to depend on, nobody to rely on, nobody to trust. That is what some label as an attachment "disorder." I call it a coping mechanism. Because its not the adoptees fault, its an adaptation reflecting how the world has treated us  and its crucial for survival.  

So when I advocate for children to be at home with their new adoptive parents, its not because I think they need to be "rich" enough or "attachment parenting" enough, its because adoptees are on their "last chance" of attaching. We've been broken, worn and hurt.  When its time for the "adoption" to happen trust isn't something that happens in the blink of an eye. Trust must be earned over time.

I really don't know how else to explain this.

I understand that dr.'s need to work. We need people to have jobs in our world to function. I think that the ultimate well being for an adoptee is to have their new primary parent with them to regain that trust in humanity through. I think its crucial to some adoptees development and well being. I absolutely believe that for SOME adoptees if their next mother would have stayed home with them and they had a secure unconditional attachment with her, that attachment disorders could have been minimized significantly from the loss of primary mother. Not healed, or "fixed entirely" but minimized. I think that the regaining of trust in humanity is possible through unconditional love, acceptance, attachment parenting ( like co-sleeping, and sling wearing, Dr. Sears and beyond as a way of life, gentle discipline )and to me that doesn't include intentionally putting a child in daycare. Because to me, that would trigger abandonement issues and increase the possibilty of attachment disorders.

Answer 8

I believe at teh beginning someone should be home, for bonding.  We are allowed 35 weeks of parental leave and my husband is primary caregiver.  (to those who assuem primary caregiver is alwasy a woman, um nope)

I will continue working.  We will decide after the 35 weeks if he is going back or not depending on

A) Children's needs

B) Finances

In reality finding daycare for three children (even afterschhol care) woudl equate hubby salary so he may stay home, but this is a choice every family must make and not be chastised for it, as long as the child's needs are taken into consideration.

I wanted to add a story, to show how not all situations are the same.  When we fostered we put children in daycare.  It was a condition of us fostering and they really wanted us and we at that time needed us both to work.  WE put them in teh YWCA, a great daycare.

A two year old we had, did have attachment issues.  She did not want to leave us at all.  It was hard, and for a month she put quite a fit when we left.  (as actually did some bio children at the daycare, some fits were ledgendary)  After a month she got excited each day for daycare adn excited each day to come home to us, and then eventually excited for visits wiht parents when they got clean.

Daycare actually HELPED her attachment.  By being able to show her we leave each day and come back, and that is in a safe, fun, lvong atmosphere, she was able to deal with some of her attachment issues.  Now her leaving was the hardest of all the children in our care, but we saw her reunited with mom and dad and we transitioned her properly so at the end she got used to being there mre than here etc.  Daycare helped her and her family.  

Just thought I woudl share this story.  Because we are adopting older children we actually feel more need to have one of us stay home if possible, because attachment will take that much longer.

Answer 9

For most of us who are parents (adoptive or bio), work is not a luxury, or even just an option....it is a necessity!   I have three adopted children, and have always been a single parent.  How am I supposed to put a roof over their heads and food on the table if I don't work?  Believe me, I'm not doing it so my kids can have more clothes or video games, or even for my own personal satisfaction.  I'm doing it to support my family!

Incidentally, my children's teachers have always told me that my kids are among the most happy, well-adjusted children they have ever taught.  They go out to school in the morning in clean, ironed clothes, after a good breakfast, with lunch packed, homework done, papers signed, and smiles on their faces.  We eat dinner together as a family every night.   And yes, they were in daycare when they were younger.

There is absolutely no reason that working parents cannot raise happy, healthy children, adopted or otherwise.

Answer 10

There will always be another doctor, nurse, vet tech that is just as qualified to look after your "baby".

A child, adopted or not, needs to come first.

My doctor did take parental leave, and her husband took excellent care of me & my children in her absence.

I myself put my university education as a nurse on hold. The world will not collapse because I chose to raise my children rather than pay someone else off to do so.

"the years before 5 last the rest of their lives"  ~Gov't of Canada

Answer 11

I think the daycare issue is orthogonal to the adoption issue.  You can have an opinion about daycare, and you have have an opinion about adoption.  But, I have never read or experienced anyone making the statement that only 'stay at home' parents should be allowed to adopt.  And if there are, they clearly have an agenda and I think they are very wrong..

My feeling and experience is that daycare is generally better for kids.  They get exposed to more poeple, experiences, and 'germs', making them better socially adjusted and have stronger immune systems.  And frankly, I think it helps the psychological well being of the parents.  I don't agree with the leaving kids in daycare for 10 or more hours, and I think that weekends and evenings should be filled with family activities, but daycare is not a bad thing on its own.

We placed our bio kids in daycare and now have our adopted kids in one.  We are very choosy about daycares and have no concerns about their care or safetly.  Our older adopted son had very poor social and communications skills due to the neglect and abuse he suffered, the daycare experience has brought him out of his shell and turned into a normal little boy.

Answer 12

All I can say is what works for us, and that's having my husband home with them. I can say that we both wish it were me, but I'm the one with the government job and great benefite. But we are working hard on our business so we can both be home with the babes.

Before we had kids, we assumed we would both work, 'cause thats what most people. My husband worked maybe 3 months out of the house in the past 3 years and it never worked out. Our son has had major medical problems and made it impossible to keep a job. PLUS the nany we had LEFT MY KIDS ALONE and went to get Chinese food. NOT COOL. Who can you trust? For me, not many.

That's just us. I won't judge what works for other people.

Answer 13

I simply believe it is best if parents, adoptive or not, can stay at home more with their children.  This may mean working only part-time or not at all until the child is in school.  My thoughts are not specific to adoptive parents, although the amount of time a parent will be try to available should be considered when someone wants to adopt, since more optimal situations are sought for adoptive children.

The ER will hire another doctor if a doctor who has recently become a parent chooses to go on a leave of absence.

Answer 14

I actually think that children do better in school if they attend preschool first.  So preschool is not all bad.  I think that because you should bond with the baby that you should take a few months off work to be at home with a newborn.  I feel that way even if it is your biological child.

Answer 15

"Quick to judge"?  She asked what people thought. Lordy.

I have a college degree, and worked nights & evenings at a big box retailer, while my husband works during the day.  We live in a small house.  Raising our own children is priority for us.  We don't want our infants & children to be scheduled according to what's best for the daycare center. I don’t want them fed and held by underpaid employees. Dropped off at daycare before before 8 a.m., picked up after 6 p.m. It's against my (and my husband’s) beliefs.

I know some people HAVE to do it, but no where near the amount that do.  Americans like STUFF.  Many put their kids in daycare so they can have big screen TV, and go on big vacations.  Some believe that is more important than nurturing their children, so be it.

Economically speaking, the US needs service people, sure.  But we don’t just need people working only during the daytime.  Our economy would not collapse if mothers (or fathers) decided to make staying at home with their children a priority.  In fact, maybe if family WERE a priority to Americans, employers would create more flex time and job sharing.

Answer 16

My parents are both adoptive parents and they both work and the kids stay in day care.  It is not bad to put your kids in daycare it is about choosing a good daycare and doing your research.  My brothers both go to a before care and after care daycare run by their school and frankly they really like it there.  They get extra time to play with their friends from school and meet kids from other classes.  The younger one does quality activities that re-enforce the work they do in school, and the older one gets help with his homework and is allowed to have "recess" when he is done with it.  He often gets mad if I pick him up too early before he has had a chance to play.  

So again, it is about choosing a daycare that is a good match for your child and not just putting them in least expensive/most convenient one available.

Answer 17

I'm an adoptive mom who works - wish I didn't have to, but I do.  We did work it out, though, so that our daughter was always with either mom or dad and not in daycare for the first 4 months she was with us.  I think that was incredibly important, and we'll do that again for our second.  Now she is in in-home day care for about 5 hours a day.  I'm a teacher and get lots of holidays and I have summer's off, so I think we really do have a situation where I am the one who spends much more time with her than anyone else.

Answer 18

I am a medical professional and I continued to work after we adopted our children, though I did take a leave of absence.  I made a few adjustments to my work schedule.  I changed fields into one that allows me more flexibility and I reduced my hours.  I can arrange my schedule if needed, to accommodate doctor visits, school conferences, sick kids, field trips, etc.  

I realize that not every profession has this kind of flexibility, but it was able to work for us.  And I would never judge parents that need to work.

Answer 19

I feel children benefit when one parent is home. I do recognize this may not be right for all families. France pays mothers to stay home with their children. I think all woman should have the RIGHT to be home with their children if they so choose.

Many woman are in the workforce simply to help make ends meet....it's sad that many who want to stay home can't.

I think it is very unfair. I do not want to force woman to stay home LOL  I just want it to be possible for them if they wanted to be stay at home moms. To each his own....what works for my family may not work for yours. :-)

Answer 20

Not sure where you were going with this but my personal opinion is that you should stay home for the first formative years of a childs life basically AT LEAST until Grade one and then work between the hours of 9.30am and 3.pm..

Its a fairly silly thing you wrote because there are plenty of single people, childless people,and male people to do the jobs and that do actually DO The jobs you pointed out.

I definitely think that someone adopting a child should most DEFINITELY stay home until AT LEAST grade one, because the child already will have enough attachment issues.