Adoptive parents why do you.....?

Question

I'm considering adoption for my unborn child because I may not be able to provide for it financially. I'm on bed rest, so no income, applied for welfare, but that's a no go. I would like to have a relationship w/ him or her, but there really isn't open or semi-open adoption in FL. So I've been told it's in the child's best interest that there are no ties to the birth parents. People even change the child's SSN after the adoption complete.

Why is it that most adoptive parents dont want the birth parents involved in the child's life?

What's your personal opinion?

Answer 1

I was adopted when I was 11.  I lived w/ my "biological" mother until I was 10.  I can address this from both sides as I kept in contact w/ my mother, even living w/ her briefly when I was 18...

First of all, if you feel that it would be in the best interest of the child, you MUST find a suitable family.  Attempting to raise a child that you cannot care for, ON ANY LEVEL, is a great diservice to both you and the child.

Having said that, there are a number of people and/or places that allow for open adoption.  You have to do the research and find out which states allow this.  If there is no state law barring "open adoption" then you have to seek out parents that are open to the idea.  It really should not be that hard as there are a lot of people out there seeking children that don't fit into the rigid (often ridiculous) state or private guidelines for adoptive parents.  You do have plenty of options, do some research.  This may not work out for you if you are merely looking for someone to carry you, financially, through your pregnancy.

As for your actual question, the one about adoptive parents not wanting the biological parents involved... well I think you could figure that out on your own if you thought about it...  many adopted children (especially those adopted between birth & 2 or 3) never even know they are adopted.  It is very difficult to broach all of the reasons that a child was adopted with them.... First and foremost is the fact that it is hard to call yourself someone's parent when you did not conceive them, harder still when the child knows it (will you always be competing if the mother is invilved") You have to answer the question of why you didn't just have your own kid?, why didn't my parents want me?, who are they?,... etc.. Then there is the biological mother who, upon getting her act together, decides that she made a mistake and she really wants her baby back.  It is much easier for her to pursue that if she knows who the parents are and where they live... Or you could consider my situation, my biological mother is a schizoprenic w/ multiple personality disorder.  She has made several threats to find us and take us back (4 of us were adopted together),,, and once we were grown she started to threaten the safety of our children.  I could list reasons, on both sides of this argument, all night long but I think you probably know all of them if you really think about it.

I can tell you that if you are truly ready to give your child up for adoption then you shouldn't need it to be "open".

Answer 2

Unless it is with a family member I seriously doubt it.  Your lifestyle and influences may be totally opposite an adoptive families.  If you are giving up your child because of poverty yet can't think of a way to improve your life or just don't have it in you to do it then why would they want you to influence the child the same way.  That would be telling the child it is ok to accept rock bottom in life and not want to get out.  There are resources out there for you to improve your financial situation.  It will take a lot of hard work and effort.  If you love your unborm baby then nothing can stop you from conquering poverty.  

However, if you live a life of poor choices that will subject this child to abuse or drugs then give the baby up.

Answer 3

When we were first considering adopting a child, I said to my husband, "What if the birth mother wants letters and pictures?"  "Then we'd send them," my husband said sensibly.  Now, years later, we do send them, and I wish we had more contact.  Some adoptive parents, feeling frightened and vulnerable as I did then, see birth parents as threatening.  I think a child in a secure family cannot have too many people who care about him or her, and an open adoption is in EVERYONE's best interest.

Answer 4

Well I’m not an adopted parent, though I hope to be one day. I would go with a closed adoption. Its not out that I fear, I know that birthparents have a window of opportunity that they can claim their child back, once that time has passed they can never reclaim their natural child unless there was a error in the adoptions process.  

I myself am adopted and it was closed I have never had any issues about not knowing my birth family. My parents have always told me I was adopted since day one. If I adopted I would always be honest with my adopted children that they were adopted and if when they were older and they wanted to search I would support them fully. As my parents always said they support me if I ever had the urge but I never have, I have a family this is where God wanted me to be.  I would also try to get some information what heritage the birthparents were, medical information  stuff like that and put it away(except medical history) and offer it to child to look at if they wanted when they got older.

Open adoption is for some and it’s not for some its just personnel opinion.  Just like adoption isn’t for everybody.

Answer 5

Hi, I am actually adopted and think I can give a unique perspective to your question.  First, I commend you on thinking about what is best for your CHILD and putting his/her needs before you own.  There are so many wonderful, loving couples out there who's main dream is to have a child but they can't.  For them, your child will be a dream come true and you can be sure they will treat his or her like a gift.  Second, most birth parents are hesitant to let birth parents be involved early on because THEY are trying to bond w/ the child.  They don't know you or your values and may want to make sure they are the strongest influence in their child's life.  Also - some people don't choose to tell the child they are adopted which I disagree with but that's a reason to not let the birth mother in the picture.  I personally think the birth parent should stay out of the picture for the major years (through 18).  Then, if the CHILD wants to know you, then it will his or her choice, not yours.  My brother and sister-in-law adopted in the U.S.  The girl wanted to have information but understood it wasn't in the child's best interest to actually be involved.  So, my sister-in-law sends her photos and notes occasionally.  She gets to see that her child is being well taken care of and my brother/sister-in-law are able to really be THE parents.  They both plan on telling the child she is adopted and will gladly let her meet her birth mom if she ever wants.  But if she doesn't want to, then that's her choice.  It can be traumatic for a child to learn they are adopted, especially if the parents wait too long to tell him/her.  

You are doing an honorable thing.  The most loving thing you could do is give your chlid a better life, a CHANCE to know love and happiness.  You may just have to make peace with the fact that you won't get to know your child.

Answer 6

Open adoption is allowed nationwide, it's just that most states do not enforce open adoption agreements from a legal standpoint. You can certainly have an open adoption if you find aparents that want it as well regardless of where you live. You do not have to use a local agency either.

I personally have found many, many aparents want open adoptions. Those that don't usually do so out of fear and insecurity....fear that their child can't love more than one parent (ridiculous), fear that the first parents will "interfere" which is probably also unfounded. The fear of the first parents coming to take the child back later are completely unfounded, as once the revocation period has passed and the adoption is finalized they have no legal recourse to do so...openness does not change the legality, and the adoptive parents become the sole legal parents.

We have an extended family type relationship with my son's bio-family and wouldn't have it any other way. I don't believe it is in the child's best interests not to have ties at all, and there is no research indicating that either. We feel it is no different than having aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, friends, etc. involved in his life...just more people to love and be loved by, which is a good thing!

Please visit Brenda Romanchik's pages http://www.openadoptioninsight.org

she has lists of resources to help you raise your child instead of placing, and if you still choose adoption she has resources to help you find ethical agencies and other helpful info. Also do a Yahoo search for open adoption agencies, and peruse Parent Profiles at http://www.parentprofiles.com, many want open adoptions.

Lastly, adoption is a permanent solution to what is usually a temporary problem (finances) so please research all of your options. Your child is owed support by the bio-father, you will qualify for some programs even if not full welfare, such as WIC, Maternity Medicaid and possibly housing assistance. Your family may be able to help you as well.

Best wishes

Answer 7

we were totally up for it in our case, but the bio parents didn't want that.

Answer 8

I don't believe that is in every case.  My sister gave her son up for adption, had a chance to look over all those who were wanting to adopt and was able to pick who she thought would be the best for her son.  Those people have sent her letters (without their names) and pictures of her son for 15 years now.  Just keeping checking, you'll find someone you can trust, there are a lot of people who are good people wanting and hopeing for a little baby to share their love with, and will keep you informed.  Best of Luck.

Answer 9

I believe now more people are seeing that its best for the child at a young age to have some contact with birth parents. It eliminates the need to know who they look like or where they came from and don't feel the need to "search" when they get older.  I am presently in the adoption process of 2 boys thru foster care. i must admit, I get very nervous whenever a visit is planned. I would prefer no contact but I have to think of whats best for the boys. I guess maybe I am afraid they will want her over me?  In my eyes they are MY boys, but maybe its just my own insecurity.  And after taking some classes I feel more compassion to their bio Mom. Maybe I understand more of how she is feeling.

Answer 10

wow thats so true i dont know why parents wont let you visit the child you had. You also have to remember you gave up your rights and the new parents might not think that your the best thing for them. I dont think that its right but you always have to remeber how they feel. I know all this from my life my mother gave me up for adoption and my mom now dosent think i should met her eaither. Also some parents dont want to their kids to know that their adopted, which isnt good eaither because someday the truth will come out and they'll be hurt. You just have to let life take its course. Things will be ok, and maybe if you let the parents your giving your child to that you want to see them. You also have to know it make get werid you know your not really his/hers mother anymore your not raising it. I know this is a lot to take in but i hope this helps

-Good Luck in your life chocies

Answer 11

My husband and i are looking to adopt. I think it's fine to send pics and keep in touch. I think people want to get all those things changed because of birth parents comming to harass them, they are scared you will try and take them back, it's just silly. I would not like the have meetings with the birth mother, but i'd send pics and keep in touch.

Answer 12

So, you're considering being a birthmother? That must be hard on you, making that choice. Well, I have 5 children. I love them all very much. Two of them are biological, and they're twins. Three of them were adopted. Out of the three who were adopted, two were adopted out of foster homes. One was adopted openly. I guess that once she is older, she may be able to visit her birthmother, but I think that it would be hard on her now. I mean, she won't understand. She might get the wrong idea, you know? She's currently 6 years old, and if I took her back now, she would wonder why her mommy didn't 'want her anymore'. That's what she thinks. It's hard on her, too, at this point. Since she's six years old, she does remember her "old mommy", as she puts it. It saddens me to hear her say those things, because I know that they are not true. Her mother was a good woman, but she lived in a bad town, she was young, and she had no partner. She didn't make a lot of money and she decided that she wanted something better for her little girl. When she's old enough to understand (provided that she wants to), I will let her see her birthmother. But who knows. If she doesn't want to, I won't make her, but if she does, I will. I think that she needs to be able to understand. That's all.

Answer 13

Although I can relate to your question - you have to think about the child and it could cause a lot of confusion for the child if the biological parents are involved.

You might not agree with the way the child is being brought up - schooling even religion.

On the whole adoptive parents want to make that baby their own - it might sound a bit selfish - but put the boot on the other foot and what would you do in their circumstances - and if you are really truthful - and are thinking more about the child then yourself, I think you will come up with the same response that adoptive parents do.

Answer 14

I worked with a young woman who had given a child up for adoption. She was still with the baby's father and there was an open adoption. The baby knew them, they attended birthday parties, holidays, etc.

Initially, it seemed like a good idea. But as the boy grew older, he started to look like his birth mom (which broke her heart) and she and her boyfriend were full of regret, especially because they ended up getting married. Their child is in their lives daily but they can't raise him.

I also know a girl who put her daughter up through a partially-open adoption. This means she received pictures every month for he first year of life and got to help the parents name the baby. Other than that, she doesn't know where they live or anything. But it was still heart-wrenching for her. She was full of regret.

Adoption is a hard decision, and it seems no one goes on to be happy with it - there is always regret.

Answer 15

I'm a birthmother who placed in an open adoption.  The adoptive couple and I have a great relationship.  I told them from the beginning that I never wanted for them to feel threatened by me. I wanted them to truly feel like he was ALL theirs so that they could build a very strong tie to him.  They send me updates on him periodically and pictures.  I get flowers on Mother's Day still.  When we talk it's almost like we're "girlfriends" just checking in on each other every once in a while.  It's turned into a great situation.  She knows all about me and my reasons for adoption and he will know through her how much I will always love him.  She can also answer any of his questions because she knows me so well.  We are currently talking about meeting for lunch the next time she's near my town (she lives in another state).  I think there is no more beautiful friendship than the one I share with her.

Answer 16

Nowadays that's not so true anymore. Compared to when I was adopted, things are WAY better.

I think that for a lot of adopted parents, there's the "what if??" question....."What if she changes her mind?"  That's a horrifying thought for these folks who have already fallen in love with their child. Some states give the birth parent a year to change their mind!

So I personally think that that's why some choose closed adoptions. They're terrified of that "what if" thing.

Another reason is that the whole concept of adoption and telling the child--if they choose to--may confuse the child.

Many families choose to adopt a child that looks similar to the parents adopting. And to have to explain to a child that they're adopted and all the questions that go with that is also daunting for parents. Especially if they don't have the answers to those questions.---My folks knew why I was placed for adoption, but didn't know anything more than that really.

So there's a real 'fear factor' that goes along with adoption and families.

Unless the family knows you really well---which takes time that most ladies don't have--completely open adoptions are really rare.

Semi-adoptions include letters and pictures and such.

Completely open adoptions include visitations with the child--that can be confusing and heart-wrenching on both sides.

Answer 17

I would have to say for the reason of protecting that child. It confuses a child. And i would be scared that a mother would run off with the child that i have loved and adopted to be my own. They show up mother and children missing all the time to keep her children. We live in  Mississippi and would love to adopt your child......

Answer 18

I didn't have time to read all of the other replys...this may be very repatative. There are a lot of adoptive parents who aren't comfortable with ongoing personal contact, probably out of fear. But there are also MANY potential adoptive parents who would be very open to contact with you. Remember you don't have to find everyone who's willing to have it that way. Just one family...and if it's right for you and them then things will be right. I have friends who have adopted, and their little boy's birthmother has moved across the country to be closer to them. And friends who's little boy was the ring bearer in his birthmom's wedding. It may not be as common- but it's out there.

I would contact a reputable Adoption agency in your area that provides counseling to help you, that way you can figure out exactly what you want for the future of both of you.

Good Luck!

Answer 19

I have never adopted a baby so my thoughts are pure conjecture.  But having had children, I can surely imagine.

Once you have a baby (adopted or your own), you just love them so much.  They are all yours, and you want to give them everything.  If there is open adoption, you almost feel like you are doing all the work, while the other person gets to come over and visit and have just the fun.  You worry that as that child grows older, they will want to go live with the birth parent.  Also, the birth parent is such a threat to the adoptive parents.  They will always worry that you are going to come along some day and say you changed your mind.  It's tough for both sides of the fence for sure.

Instead of using the formal adoption process in Florida, you could always try to hire an attorney and have them do the adoption paperwork for you.  By doing that you could ensure the paperwork is stipulating that you would like to be involved or at least be kept up to date on the health and welfare of your child.  I would think that any parent wanting to adopt would be willing to pay the attorney fees for you.

Finally, I just want to lift you up in prayer and ask that God bless you with the proper decision regarding this baby.  Bless you for having the baby first of all, when an abortion would have been the easy way out.  

Additionally, if you feel you want to keep the baby, there are many out there who would be willing to help you.  Contact a church and see how they might assist (financially, with supplies, food, etc.).   I go to a Calvary Chapel and they are terrific about providing assistance.   We have a food pantry that provides diapers, wipes, formula, etc.  We have mothers who volunteer to help out, teaching girls how to take care of their babies, etc.  Many people have used baby supplies (carseats, strollers, cribs, etc.) that they are willing to give away.  Go here to find a Calvary Chapel near you:  http://maps.calvarychapel.com/churchlist...

Wishing you many blessings - no matter what your decision.

Answer 20

I think its because they want to make a fresh start and bring the child up the way that they want without any interfearance.

It can be confusing for the child too, the adoptive parents are bringing the child up as there own and then the biological parents are saying I am your mummy so its hard for a child to deal with.

i hope you think it through properly so you dont make the wrong decision and I hope you have family and friends around you for moral support

Answer 21

I also live in Florida and We are looking to adopt. I am not against an open adoption. I believe that if certain ground rules are set up in advance between all parties, everything goes smoothly.  I believe the only time open adoptions go wrong, is if everyone involved does not know what to expect. A mutual respect for each other goes a long way. Just be sure that you have several conversations with the adoptive parents, to be sure things are fully understood from the beginning.

There are open adoptions in Fl....you just have to go through an agency or individual who does them. The state does not.

Good luck & God bless you!  = )

Answer 22

I'm guessing maybe because the adoptive parents feel threatened by the birth mother. They may feel that if the birth mother has contact with the child that they would not have control over the way the child grows up. Also, there have been several cases where the birth mother comes back to retrieve the child after her situation is less circumstantial and sues for custody. I think that a lot of adoptive parents have been waiting so long to adopt that they do not want the heartache of having their adopted child taken away from them.

I personally think that open adoption is a great idea. In the long run I think that the child will benefit more from having a relationship with thier birth mother because they will have no doubt that their mother loved them and wanted what was best for them. Also, there is not that deception or "secret" that the child was adopted.

When we adopt a child my husband and I want to be sure that our child has contact with his or her birth mother throughout their childhood, whether it be by letter, phone, or email. I also think that the birth mother should be included in birthdays and holidays... I don't think that you should miss out on your child's life just because you did what is best for your child.

Answer 23

try an out of state adoption. if you would like the agency i used e mail me. they will help with your bills also. and clothes while preg & after birtth.

Answer 24

I am adopted and I can tell you from my stand point I wouldnt want to look for a relationship from my biological mother. Dont get me wrong, Im not mad at her for what she did...I thank her for it. But to me although we are blood and biologically related and gave me life she is a stranger. It complicates things when there are 2 sets of parents. Some adoptees are mad at their biological parents some want that relationship...I say its up to the child to decide if they want to or not when they come of age. Make sure that your information is available in the event your child wants to contact you for one reason or another. I had to find mine not because I wanted to have a relationship but because I was pregnant and wanted to know about medical information. Its a good thing I did too because there is  major stuff for my family. My advice is to #1 leave it up to the child #2 if your child wants to contact you make sure you leave all info to reach you like address, phone numbers, emails and such to the adoptive parents to they have that to give to the child when they are old enough (also its up to them if they feel comfortable.... I was thinking of adopting and I was NOT ok with a birth mother being in the picture for the first few years of life but would give that option to an older child) #3 leave detaled health history and if you would like leave some photos. I  had the photos and it ment alot to me that I actually looked like someone and that I didnt come out of thin air. I commend you for putting your child up for adoption...its the best in the long run. Your child will thank you for it.

Answer 25

I adopted a little girl, and we want and do have an open adoption, although there is no requirement to do so. It has been suggested by People in the adoption feild that you should be honest about it, for several reasons.

first, if someone finds out they are adopted when they are a teen or older, they then wonder, "what else haven't you told me"

second there's the medical histories, and what runs in the genetic faimly as risk indicators,

thirdly, even if Kids know they are adopted from a young age, and then don't know anything about their birth parrents, they tend to make up stuff. "my dad was a spy and he placed me because he wanted to protect me" or mom was a huge rockstar and an astronaught and she was lost on a space mission or whatever

it is important for any human to know where they are from, and some background.

we plan to tell our girl as soon as she starts asking the "where do babies come from" questions, I imagine at 3-4 years old. we plan to give her age approperate answers.

and I will say this, people who were not in the adoptive feild mostly said, " don't tell them they are adopted, don't tell them who her birth parrents are"

Even the Judge who handled the adoption said that, encouraged us to cut her off.

we did not, and will not.

If you do decide you want to place your baby,

Don't rush, Get to know the couple or person you are thinking of. ask their opnion. There are a lot of people who want to adopt out there, and its so hard, esp for younger babies.

If someone wants you out of the pict totally, Then don't let them in the picture.

many people adopt more than one,

you may even try a faimly who has a prior adoption, and see what kind of contact they have with the ones allready.

long story short, I beleive that there is little reasons not to Hvae the child know who the birth parrents are, unless there are strong complelling reasons.

maybe dad is a criminal rapist, and he targets youths. would I let the child know him? no.

but for most circumstances, I think some degree of openness is needed.

check around on the web for adoption agencies in the state you live in. Call them ask questions, there are many out there.

if they don't agree with that, call the next one.

Your not stuck with the firstone you call.

or even if you change your mind down the line

Untill you sign The papers ( which in ohio is not legal before 72 hours after the birht) you are entitled to change you mind.

Answer 26

I am an adoptive parent to three daughters from China.  Due to the nature of Chinese adoptions (most of the children are abandoned), it is next to impossible to find out anything about the biological parents of our kids.

When I was a foolish, inexperienced parent, I thought this was a good thing.  It seemed to me that my children would be less confused by having only one parent in their lives.  But now that I have been a Mom for over ten years, I would give ANYTHING to enable my daughters to meet their birth families.  I think it is the most normal thing in the world for adopted children to want to see their biological parents, and to have some kind of relationship with them.

If I were in your shoes, I would work with an adoption agency that encourages open adoption, and choose a birth family from a state that permits it.   That way, you will be able to at least maintain contact with the adoptive family, and not lose sight of your child.  

If it is any consolation to you, I say a little silent "Thank you" to the birth families of my three daughters every night, for making a decision that enabled me to parent these three wonderful, smart, loving young ladies!

Answer 27

I am an adoptive mother, with a semi-open adoption (for lack of a better way to describe it).  We do not have an open adoption with my son's biological parents.  This is because they were considered to have mental issues along with other problems which forced the state to become involved.  We opted for a closed adoption in that sense because we did not feel that it was in our son's best interest to have any contact with his biological parents at this time.  If he chooses to when he is older, that is his decision, but we could not risk his safety or that they would just appear out of no where to try to talk to him.

I said though that we have a semi-open adoption.  We chose to leave his biological grandparents in his life - as a 3rd set of grandparents.  They had raised him since he was born (in a kinship care program of foster care) and we know how difficult it would be for them to lose contact with him.  We see them at least once a month, vacation with them once a year, and talk all the time on the phone.  Our son knows that he is adopted and lived with them before he lived with us.  It is a great relationship and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

If we were to adopt again, even though we have had a great experience with the open part of our adoption, I think we might still lean towards closed adoption.  I think again it all revolves around our fears and wanting to protect the child from any additional stress or a bio-parent changing their mind after the process is started.

Answer 28

Jocelyn, wow, I would first like to say that it takes a very strong and mature person to come to the decision that you have. My husband and I hope to adopt soon, once a birthmother chooses us. We are going through a national private agency that does allow open and semi-open adotions. Some adoptive parents and their new child see the birth mother on a regular basis, other choose to communicate through letters, telephone or videos. It all depends on how well the birth parents and the the adoptive parents get along, and how well the child is able to adjust to having both in their life. Once a birthmother chooses us we plan on being open with our child about their birth mother, and communicating with her in a way that makes us comfortable, most likely letters and a few  visits a year depending on where she lives and we live. I think it is important for a child to know who and where they come from.  It is not always in the best interest for the child to know their birth parent, but I think in your case it is. :)  The biggest reason I can think of, is that adoptive parents are affraid the birth parent will try to take back the child.  If you are looking for this type of adoption plan (open) please contact me and I will tell you more about this agency. Bethany Christian Services, who knows if you work with this agency we may be the parents you pick for you baby, At any rate, you just have to do what you think is best for your child. Best of luck, please feel free to email me if you like.

Answer 29

My personal opinion is that it's still your baby, always will be, and you should get to choose how you want the adoption. I would suggest calling some adoption attorneys in other states. Just because the baby may have to be born where you are in FL doesn't mean that you can't do the adoption with a couple in another state where open adoptions are allowed. Do some research on the closest states to you that do it ( I'm in MS, and I know people have done it here).

Answer 30

Maybe some are scared of the birth parents trying to interfere with their parenting choices.  I'm sure they are also protecting the child emotionally.

I don't know.  My mom adopted me and she told me that whenever I was ready she'd help me find my birth mom.

Answer 31

my son is kinda adopted and i raise him but his birth parents see him and i feel its the best way.  then everything is in the open and he can know where and who he came from and he has tons of family.  my birth daughter has no father won't go into details but its for the best but yet she wants to know about him and she lost out on his whole side including brothers and sisters from his former girlfriend.  open adoption is the best way to go in all cases but as a birthmother which is going to be harder than giving your son up is being in the back ground of his life.  if i was you i would honestly keep him if they won't give u an open adoption there is plenty of help out there.  even if u have to move in with somebody for awhile. they have to give u wic, infact u can get it now and food stamps and maybe you could babyset anothers child to make money for diapers once u have your baby.  good luck in any choice u make.  there r alot of prochoice programs that offer free stuff for the baby and you don't need a lot to have a baby.