Adoptive vs Birth?

Question

I would like to gather some viewpoints. NOT JUDGEMENTS,

It is a question not an accusation.

Who do you feel the preadoption process is harder on the hopeful adoptive parents who can go 9 months being told that this is there baby to have it taken away after the child is born by the birthmother?

Or is it the birthmother who carries this life for 9 months knowing that she needs to give the child a better chance, only to fall in love with the tiny life that they have bonded with inside and now out?

Answer 1

I think that rash decisions should never be made before deciding to put your baby up for adoption! Its very hard to decide who is effected the most and i think its fair to say the dissapointment adoptive parents must feel would be heart breaking yet for the mother of the child would also feel the despiration she would have knowing she would not be the woman to bring up her child. I think its just as hard for both maternal mother and adoptive parents.

Answer 2

Oh this is an easy question.  Without a doubt, before relinquishment (and after before you ask), it is harder on the expectant mother much more so than the potential adoptive parents.

I know it sounds insensitive but step outside of your box for a moment.

When an expectant mother is pregnant with a baby that she has to even consider making an adoption plan for, her entire world is stacked against her.  The amount of derogatory things said to her can no where compare to whatever harsh things said to potential adoptive parents.  Potential adoptive parents are in a secure point and place in their lives, while expectant mothers considering an adoption plan are basically driving 65 mph into a great brick wall.  The crash and fall out is coming and as well as she can consider her options to make that impact less, it's still going to be a huge crash into a brick wall.

That is her child.  That will always be her child even if she relinquishes her child for adoption.

Answer 3

Birth Mothers have it much harder!

Answer 4

I am an adoptive mother so I can't answer for sure but I think it has to be harder on the birth mother-to-be.  She is carrying a child, the baby growing inside of her, and deciding whether or not to relinquish the child after it is born.  This decision is so big--relinquishing a child for adoption-- that it has to rank right up there as hard as decisions to pull the plug on a loved one when there is no hope for life.  That's the only thing that I can think to compare it to.  Definitely one of life's hardest decisions.

After we were approved, we were not promised a time frame--it could have been any where from 1-3 or more years so we were just living our life as usual knowing that SOME DAY we would get a phone call.  We actually only waited 1 year from approval to placement.  We were really surprised and didn't even have a baby bed yet--lol.  

I know it would be different if you were working with a specific birthmother-to-be but I still think it would be harder on HER.

Answer 5

Julie said it with so much more diplomacy than I.  Adoption is about finding homes for children without families, rather than children for families.  A woman who is considering adoption is a mother.  Her baby isn't available for adoption.

Plenty of children are in foster care, however, who do not have parents.  They are the reason adoption exists.

As an infertile woman, I know the pain of wanting A child.  But, for a mother to forever give away her OWN existing flesh and blood child is an unfathomable loss.

Answer 6

Being a birthmom is a LIFETIME thing. The pain doesn't stop at 9 months I PROMISE YOU THAT.

I can't say I know what 18 years of waiting is like. We were apporached 2 months before his birth and asked if we wanted him. We were shocked. So won't pretend I know what you are going through.

What I can say is whats harder?

1. Being a Hopeful adoptive parent who has a other change her mind? or?

2. A mother who loves her baby so much that she thinks placng her baby with another family  would be best. WIshing oyu could keep your baby, but you already promised him'her to someone else.

Like I said before, You'll find peace when oyu know that she doesn't have regrets.

Little adoptees grow up to be adult adoptees and they will want to know the specifics of their adoption.

Answer 7

Actually I know a couple that lost a baby after they had him for 2 weeks because the birth mother changed her mind, so it was devestating for them. They spent so much money getting the nursery just perfect and loved that baby just like he was their own. While I'm sure it is hard for the birth mother to give up the child it is cruel to take the baby away once they have been placed. If they don't have the baby in their home yet it is still difficult, but not as bad as if they had already bonded with the baby. I also know a girl that changed her mind about giving her baby up and the potential adoptive parents actually sent her some gifts...things they had bought thinking that they would be bringing her baby home.

Answer 8

thats a tough question...i would say it is 50/50 but i would say birthmother would probelyl be hardest only as i have children and also the fact that it is her flesh and blood

Answer 9

The biggest realization a good Mother comes to is that her child is more important than she is. Her wishes and desires become secondary to the welfare of her child. It is a hard change to make- going from the common culture of "me, me, me" to "you, you, you!"

I cannot even imagine how hard it would be to give up a child. However, if a birth Mother is able to put her desires aside to give her child a better life (for whatever the reason is she is giving up the baby), then I, with all sincerety, salute her. We have so many children growing up in undesirable situations already. I have many single mother friends...they do the best they can and I love them. But they all admit that the situation their child is being raised in is not the way it should be.  If a woman has the strength to do what's best for her child, no matter what the cost, that's what I call a "Mother."

Answer 10

I adopted a newborn baby 12 years ago. I remember the first few days after he was born, before I was 100% sure that his birthmother would not change her mind and what it felt like to wonder if he would really be mine or not. The strongest feeling I remember is absolutely knowing that he was not mine, and would not or could not be mine, unless and until his mother gave him to me. There is no question in my mind or heart that he belonged to her and that this process was much more difficult for her than for me. I remember when my husband and I first met her --it was about six weeks before her due date.The meeting went well and we were very excited and very happy and certainly nervous when wondering if it would really happen or not. But I remember being in the car and talking about how differently we must be feeling than her. We were excited and joyful and anticipating something that was hopeful. We really couldn't imagine how she must be feeling but, agreed that she was probably scared, perhaps relieved, nervous, uncertain but, not joyful and excited. And when he was born, we were so thrilled and filled with wonder at the chance to actually be his parents. I know that his mother was sad and scared and relieved.

I've got to say that I honestly believe it seems very presumtious to me for any adoptive parents to think they have the right to be angry with birthmothers who change their minds. I'm not saying I don't understand that they could be angry. I'm just saying that I don't think they have much empathy or compassion for the process if they find themselves assuming the child belongs to them before it does. As far as I'm concerned there is nothing being taken away from the parents who wait 9 months for the baby to be born -- other than their hope which is not a small thing but, it can not be compared to the fact that the baby is being given away.

Answer 11

Sounds like you've got an idealized concept of expectant mothers. They're not just sitting around for 9 months thinking about the "better chance" they're going to give their baby. There's 9 months of hard work, medical difficulties, fear, anger, sadness, depression, confusion, and hope, with the knowledge that there will be a finish line in the near future after which, once they cross it, they will probably (statistically speaking) never ever see their child again.

For the PAPs, all their hopes and fears are about a theoretical person. They don't have anyone kicking them in the spleen.

And for the record, a lot of expectant moms are particularly worried that relinquishing will NOT give their baby a better chance in life. This fear is well-founded. Listen to the stories of many of the adult adoptees who post here. Some of them had wonderful families, but a lot of them did not end up with better lives just because they were adopted.

Answer 12

Are you freaking kidding me?  Dude, you need some lessons in gratitude!

You are waiting for a DREAM to come through, she is losing a child.  Get a grip.

You've been waiting for 18 years to get a child?  There's something MISSING from this story...

By the by, what's the difference between a 'viewpoint' and a 'judgment' anyway?!

Answer 13

Hi Director,

You asked about the preadoption process.   My viewpoint is that with the way it is set up to match before a child is even born, that makes it harder on the PAP's and this is why:

1) The odds are not in their favor.  The last stat I heard was 90 couples wanting every 1 white, healthy baby.

2)  There is no guarantee that any baby will even become available for adoption since it is the natural family's baby until and unless they eventually relinquish their baby for adoption.

3)  The PAP's probably feel pressure from all the scrutiny of having to present their best possible credentials to everyone - social workers & expectant mothers alike.

However, AFTER a baby has been separated from his/her mother & placed with an adoptive family, then it becomes easier on the adopters and harder on the natural mother & the baby.

An easier route is for PAPs to parent children who already need parents.  The wait is minimal and the cost is little to nothing.  That's also better for the children who are waiting now, as well as for families that do not need to be separated.  

All of these reasons lead me to the viewpoint that it is not in anyone's best interest to make pre-birth adoption plans.  Adoption is for children who already do not have parents, it is not for creating parentless children and then finding new ones for them.  Thanks for asking our viewpoints.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 14

I find it very hard to have any sympathy for potential adoptive parents that have "lost" a baby that was never in their care.  What a ridiculous concept!

I feel great sympathy for any mother or father that has to make the decision to relinquish a baby--no matter what the reason.

Answer 15

the parents who are wanting a baby and need to not only deal with the emotions of not having their own but then have to jump through hoops to get a child based off tons of various other peoples expectations and that till is no promise to having a baby.

Lets see 9 months by the birth mom or years for the couple...?i go with the couple.

Answer 16

its different...for each...different types of pain, different type of loss, and guilt.

Answer 17

You are waiting for something that you don't have.  If the baby's mother decides to keep HER baby, you are left in the same situation, a childless couple.  Sad yes, but the same as you were.

IF the mother gives her baby over to be adopted she loses her CHILD, quite arguably the most important thing in anyone's life.    What she had moments before...her flesh and blood, all the hopes and dreams of raising that child, watching him or her take their first steps, learn to read, graduate high school, get married, etc...is GONE forever.  Her loss is huge.  Her decision is agonizing.

So, who is the process harder on?  The mother, hands down.

Answer 18

I think a lot of young birth mother's know that they should give up their child for a better life.  They know that they don't really want a child to so called "ruin" their life but they keep the child anyways out of peer pressure.  I think they do this for attention a lot of times.  Everyone is in such aw of a little baby and they like the feeling of "popularity" until the child is a little older or another child comes into the picture.  Then the kid is passed on to family members for them to raise and they pass the burden on to someone else.  The child would be better off in a stable family environment with people who really want a child.  I have seen this happen and the kids are pawned off to grandparents, aunts, uncle and anyone else who will take them so the mother can go out and party.  The kid was being eaten alive by flees but God forbid they get rid of the cat over their child's safety.  I don't understand why they keep the child if they are not ready to put their lives on hold to raise them.  It annoys me!  There are so many loving couples out there who want a child and want to have a baby to revolve their world around.  That is how it should be.

Answer 19

IMHO the parents, the ones who are now pregnant and are thinking about adoption for their child.  During this time they are deemed parents, once that child is born and the papers are signed we are noone.  We are lied to. We are promised the world only for everything to be taken away from us when we sign the papers.

And sorry for the time that a woman is pregnant she is MOTHER and the pap's (prospective adoptive parents, not hopeful) are just that.  The preadoption process is the homestudy.

Sorry but learn your terminology.

Answer 20

Both.  Dude, why do you have to choose one of the other?

Answer 21

I don't think I can quantify either person's pain.  However, the adoptive parents don't HAVE to get their hopes up.  They could choose to not get attached, to allow the mother to make her own decisions in her own time, and then, if the mother chooses to parent (or even give her child to someone else), there's no huge letdown.

Answer 22

I don't know why "harder" needs to be measured....

This is the same as sitting around trying to decide who has the biggest head ache...

OUR struggles to adopt a baby, child or siblings has nothing to do with the situations of the parents our adopted children come from....

This is an immature way to look at the situation..  To compare our desires to adopt children to the experience of a person whom has come to a point that her/his children will be adopted is silly...

With this line of thinking where "harder" is measured then I can't imagine what will happen on that night both you and your wife are Beat and the child vomits all over your bed....

"You change the sheets honey--my sleep is more

important..."

"You clean the kid up, I gag too much..."

"You do the dishes because I washed the laundry and that was harder..."

YES--adopting is HARD and it should be... I am all for testing the commitment of pre-adoptive parents because if this part is too hard then the rest will just be overwhelming...

These are completely different situations..

The OUTCOMES for both parties are completely different... EVERYONE knows that you would like to adopt a baby... Your wait is for a Joyful moment and a new chapter in life...

HER wait is about the saddest choice she may have to ever make in her lifetime...

EVERY Adoption Starts with Loss and the adoptive parents who raise the healthiest adopted children recognize this as a part of what has happened to their child...

Your Hardest time is about ending years of pain and whatever ordeals have lead to the desperation I hear in your typing...

Trust me--I have been there... While we decided to adopt children from foster care It didn't end the torture of the wait--It was actually harder as we were under the impression the state was desperate to hand us children.... Our wait was HORRIBLE... and not even a sure deal for nearly a year after we started parenting them...

We can better support and respect your feelings if you will let go of the idea that your situation makes you more special than someone else... Most people do not adopt because they just wake up and feel like it--Most adoptive Parents have a LONG road before getting to this point... I have heard many Harder stories then yours...

Calm down and try not to see this as comparing your situation to anyone else's.... Each of us consider this Hard... But measuring who has the right to ware the Crown of "Suffering" is not a very parental example for your future child.

When you have your baby (this one or another) and the years pass I highly doubt that you will sit your child down and discuss the adoption in the terms of how HARD it was....

Or how many years you tried everything under the sun...

Hopefully you will be able to talk about what a joy it was to Choose this child... This is one of the few things AP's have to express our deepest feelings of love...



I also get a bit worry when families get fixated on these kinds of points... I see this so often with Foster Families who have had a child since birth and two years later they still don't know if the child will reunite--or be adopted.... The fixation seems to be on this Goal of Being Done with this step....

Most of us feel the way you do at this point in the process... Have you ever sat and listed to a room full of moms talk about the day their child is born.. Everyone has a longer labor then the last....more stitches.... more whatever---My pain hurt sooo much worse then the average mother....

In the Adoptive Parents world we have these stories too...

The How many questions were on your Home Study applications.... How many months did it take for you HS to be finished... How much did your adoption cost... How long did you wait.... And adoptive parents sit around sharing these stories with each other just like a group of mothers talk about how long labor was....

I have yet to be in a room or on a website with AP's who talk about WHO had it Harder than the birth parents....  It's a given that adoption is hard... It's also understood that most people who want to adopt newborns privately came to this decision because of years of hardship...

It's just a given your road was hard...



None of us who have never had to make a choice about a LIFE we created can ever claim to think our road was HARDER... that is unfair...not just to the mother, and to the child but to your wife as well...

Once your baby is there YOUR years of pain will be over and you will have the thing you worked so long and hard to accomplish...

Your Hard work will be forgotten and in a matter of time... You will be parenting and you will be arguing with your wife about who worked harder that day and who should get up and check on the baby....

But, you will not continue to live with the Hardest Choice you ever made for the rest of your life...or have to answer for it in 18 years....tell your future husband about it....tell your future children that you placed ONE of their own for adoption... Tell every doctor you see that you had this many pregnancies--this many live births....and no children to parent...

You won't sit there getting ready to jump in and tell your baby birthing story only to remember too late all your friends and everyone listening thought you never had a baby--and now wonder what happened...and ask the questions...and Judge you based on their Own ignorance about adoption.... This for the mother will be forever!

Your pain ends the night you get up at 2:00 am to feed a hungry babe and realize that all of the hard time you went through was worth it....

Answer 23

You know, I still have trouble seeing these things as generalizations. In adoption you have individual people, not generic "cookie cutter examples" of what natural mothers and adoptive parents are supposed to feel. Each adoption involves individual people, not stereotypes, and each one of them brings with them a point of view that is unique to their own individual experience.

I just really don't think this question can be answered with any certainty, because no two adoptions are going to be alike. I've known many parents who have walked out on their children and never bothered to look back. No bonding there at all. I've also known some parents who didn’t even want children until the moment they held their newborns in their arms and experienced an instant connection. Different people will experience things differently.

So, my answer is that the person who the process is hardest on depends on who the individual people in each particular situation happen to be, rather than the position they are in.

Answer 24

I think it is harder for the birthmother. It is a crisis pregnancy and she generally doesn't have the support she needs (otherwise, she wouldn't even think about adoption in many cases).  

Yes, hard for the adoptive parents, but on the other hand, they will take any baby. The birthmother only has her baby.

Answer 25

Natural mom imho.

I carried my child inside me, below my heart. I fell in love with him long before his birth, I knew him, I felt his emotions, I saw my body grow to give him life. No PAP is ever going to experience that. I lost a REAL child, they loose the promise of a child... the idea.