Adopton..how to tell the kids?

Question

I have adopted 4 children and they are all under the age of 4 when would i tell them that they have been adopted, and how should i tell them ..anyone with info please answer or if there are websites that i may have missed....they are usually based for older children...thanks...

Answer 1

Have it be part of dialogue from day one, just a matter of fact kind of thing.  We adopted our son and from before he could even speak I was reading him books like A Mother for Choco and other type books that are great for introducing the concept of adoption in an age appropriate way.  If you believe in God another good book is In Case You Ever Wonder by Max Lucado.  It is not adoption specific but the language of the story is applicable to either birth or adoption b/c it talks about how God made the child rather than you came from your mommy's belly.  Oh and Jaime Lee Curtis has a great adoption-story book called Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born.

So there are books out there I think you'll find quite useful in introducing adoption into your children's story.  

If I think of more I will edit this response.

Answer 2

Let me begin by saying if you could hear me i would be clapping my hands!! Good I plan on adopting soon because i cant carry. I talked with my sister about this alot cause she had to give up her baby. Our whole family as took on the adoped parents as family they are wonderful people this is all just from there experiance tho all situations differ. but from birth they let him know the basics jenny would have loved to keep you but...she was sick.they explain they wanted him so so bad and love them so much! you dont need to bring it up all the time it can get confusing since younger kids dont get the pregnancy concept to the little ones mommy is mommy so no sence making a huge deal out of it  by 8 or 9 or sooner there going to start asking questions. The adoped family had pics of my sis. They just know it the same way they know there are grandmas. she visits once a year but not all situations are going to be that clean. keep a diary of all the details you do remember from when you first started the process. when they get older they will have questions. and it will show you wernt trying to hide it.

Answer 3

start now.  be open and honest about it.  let them know they can come to you with their questions.  do not make stuff up, answer as honestly as you can.  

depending on the situation they came from might depend on how much detail you share.  if they were in an abusive home speak with a counselor who can help them adjust and the best way to talk to them about this.  the thing about kids is usually even if they were in an abusive home and have been removed is they'll mostly only remember the good things.  especially if they are all under 4 years old.  

being open and honest from the beginning is best.  and contact with any of their bio family will help them also.  as long as no physical or emotional harm comes from it.

Answer 4

in truth, it is best to be honest and up front with it. my mom and dad were. and to be honest, up untill the time they died i didn't think ( to much ) about finding my mother and father. i was in a very loving family, i guess i got very lucky. then again i went through 8 foster homes. but anyways... just talk to them and be honest... my parents explained it to me like this.... that even though i was not their bio child, when they saw me they fell in love with me, and that they loved me so much that they chose to give me a home and bring me into their family and give me a family that i could call my own....

i am going to have to do that with my youngest daughter, and i think that i'm going to take a page out of my mom and dads playbook...

in any event i implore you to stress how much you love them and just be honest... i believe that in the end it will work out for the best.

Answer 5

I wouldn't wait till they're older to pop it on them. My moms best friend has a 18 year old and a 15 year old and both of them are adopted but don't know it. I'd hate to think what there going to go threw if and when they find out. I think that telling your kids how lucky you are to have found each other and to have made such a happy family, and knowing that as they grow YOU are there parents. If you know their heritages that will help because kids at one time or another want to know. I just think postponing it will only make it worse.

Answer 6

Tell them right away-it normalizes it and if you dont they will feel decieved. You can buy a personalized book that tells their adoption story in kid friendly appropriate terms.

Answer 7

I have often thought about this.  I think if it were me, I would certainly wait until I knew they were old enough, but I would let them know that I picked them out of a room full of babies because I loved them.  I had the choice of choosing any baby that I wanted and I chose them.  Congratulations!!!

Answer 8

This is an answer from someone who is adopted, and also has adopted 2 children- TELL THEM NOW.  Even if they do not understand the whole concept.   I don't even remember when my parents told me that they adopted me.   I was thankful that I knew early- because I really feel that helped me realize that adoption was ok.  I know families that decided to wait until they were older, and those adoptees, have trouble today with that- because when an adoptive parent does not tell their children they were adopted, adoption can become a bad word.  We told our 2 children early as well, before they even knew what the word meant.  Don't add anything more than they can handle at any given age-  over the years, my children are now 19 and 16, they have asked questions, and I have answered them at that time.

Answer 9

I am adopted and  I have known my entire life that I was adopted.  Breaking it to a child that is very young is easier than telling your 18 year old son or daughter that you lied to them their entire life.  Having the knowledge that I was adopted made me realize at an early age just how fortunate I was that I got to be raised by a family that loved me. Telling them before they really understand the concept often allows them to grow into the idea and not be threatened by it...... And when your kids start asking where babies came from you can honestly tell them you bought them!  Just kidding....

Answer 10

As soon as possible!  I knew I was adopted before I knew what the word adopted meant, so to speak.  In other words, I was always told this truth.  I don't ever remember a time that I didn't know.  Don't wait.

Answer 11

My ex was adopted at birth and says he doesn't remember being "told" he just always knew....

My little boy was placed at the age of 1 and is now 6 years old and He was asking me questions about babies at least 2 maybe 3 years ago.... I used that as the time to give him valid information....

He said, "Mommy where do babies come from?"

I said, "Out of their mother's tummy" where this answer may have ended for a standard child that age I added... "you grew in a mommy tummy and were born."

For several weeks there were a series of the biological questions with all the graphic details being demanded--and his visulizations of poor kids stuck inside and how they get out and we worked through all the biology...very hard as he tended to ask these questions in the check stand at the store or some other place---but, that kid wanted to know every graphic detail... and wow was that fun... I will never forget when he announced that He didn't Think he wanted to be a mom because he didn't want a baby to go out his privates!!!!

But, I also used biology to plant the understanding by letting him know "Sean and Tori were c-sections" so I agreed with him--I didn't like the idea either and that he didn't need to worry because it's the girls who have babies not the boys...our privates are different...

Later he remembered I mentioned Sean and Tori but, never said anything much about my M ana M and how they got born but, he knows the word Adoption and that it meant something For Him... so I knew he was going to ask more specific questions....

He Did... and it was time for the Word to Mean something...

So I made it very clear what adoption is--and how he was grown in another mothers tummy but, that she wasn't able to take care of him and his older sister so I am his Growing Up mommy....  because I can take such great care of you...

.....there is more but, that isn't the question you ask....you ask how to tell?

To me it is at Natural moments we talk about adoption it isn't like the big dreaded s*x or drug talk we will need to have later.... for us it was not a moment to discolse but has always been a Matter Of Fact....

It isn't that I planned it this way on purpose although I am sure I would still have answered my son's questions the same way--but, it was a mattter that he and his sister were placed together as siblings and she was 5 at them time and knew everything that had happened....

The word adoption is just part of the Family History here--no point in not talking about it because it isn't a dirty word--it isn't a shame or big deal it isn't like I need to tell them I am dying of cancer--it's just what happened....

How he has handled his adoption and how he is dealing with it much differently then his sister is a completely different story...

But, the word and act of his adoption is no more a secret then the fact that dad and mom got married...

The more we act like this is a big huge deal or that they will be upset by it...the more they will be.... It really is just a matter of fact and from most of the adopted people I know those who feel the most healthy seem to express that their parents did NOT make this fact a big ordeal with a whole lot worry it was just how everyone got together and became the Family...

We wouldn't think that we needed to make a deal about letting our children know about the fact we got married--so why would the fact that adoption formed our family be any a bigger moment in the child's life...

Later and as they ask the specific adoption feelings will come out--and it is our reponsibility not to make this subject taboo...otherwise our children will not talk to us about it and we will not be able to help them with the feelings they have.

Answer 12

Start YESTERDAY...

start today...

continue tomorrow...

My girls all under 5 know about adoption - not that they comprehend it all. My five year old is already playing mommy with a baby in her tummy. She gives her babys up for adoption or gets babys who need to be adopted new homes. At three, they should start comprehending family structure. If you have a pregnant friend that could help you start the discussion.  

What to say?

Tell them their story. How you chose them. How much you love them.

I am an adoptee, this is my story.

http://www.adoptive-parenting.com/growin...

Answer 13

hi, i would have to agree with a few of the others in saying that now is the best time to tell them. i am an adoptee although i was old enough to know that my AP's werent my BP's. though they were fantastic parents. case in point. on a visit with my BP's i asked innocently why my brother and sister didnt look like me (half bro and half sis) i had known my step dad all my life since i was a month old so i didnt know he wasnt my BF, anyways..i asked and he and my BM had no choice but to tell me right in the middle of the visit that he wasnt my real dad. that was almost 20 years ago and i still remember feeling betrayed and lied to. there are ways to let your foster/adoptive children know they are adopted/fostered and still make them feel special and loved at this age. the best thing i think get the agency and other parents of foster/adoptive children involved and ask their help. im sure that many a FP/AP has been through what you are going through once or twice. i wish you the best of luck and thanks for choosing to adopt.