Adult Adoptees: Do you speak your "native" language?

Question

Adoptive parents have been criticized on this forum for not teaching their adoptive children their native language. Anyone with children knows that you can have little success if the child is not willing.

My thoughts are since a foreign language is required for graduation, oportunities are there for a second language to be learned. If the child doesn't take advantage of it, is that the adoptive parent's fault, too?

Also, what has stopped you from learning your native language AS AN ADULT? Is this really the fault of the adoptive parents, too?

When does an adult become responsible for themselves and when do they stop blaming their parents?

ALSO, are there adoptees who are not interested in learning your native language?

Answer 1

I've been learning since I found them. I now speak pretty good spanish. I found my parents in 2001 and by 2003 I was backpacking my way around south america speaking fluently to people down there.

Hawaiian has been harder for me to learn, but I am trying and can speak a little. I think if I could submerge myself into the culture I could learn it faster.

My children and I are actually learning chinese together. So far, I can count to ten and know a few selected words.

an "adult" is responsible for themselves, but what the questions were saying was that it would have been easier for some, if they had known their language through-out their lives. Reunion would have been easier. Reunion happened for me 2 weeks after i started searching which certainly wasn't enough time for me to know my native languages on my mothers side.

The initial meeting is the hardest one of all, and can be even harder if you have to rely on a translator. For me, i didn't even know what races I was until I found them, and suddenly my aparents "remembered" them after I announced them. For my younger years, it WAS their responsibility to honor and teach my origins, and they didn't do that. So now, as an adult I am teaching myself.

thanks

Answer 2

Good question.. I tried to answer this question a few minutes ago.. , but I kept gettng the "Taking a breather" message when I submit..  I was thinking it was too long. So I'll try again, this time shorter

As a non-adoptee I had to think about these questions and try to find something to compare it to.. I guess I'll compare it to my mother and piano.

It was my idea to take piano. I was 10. But truth be told, I was a lazy kid, with not a high attention span. Mom did her best to encourage me, to make me practice and keep it up when I wanted to drop. This went on for 6 years. Finally, school and other things in my life were so stressful when I was 16, that I asked again to drop and she reluctantly agreed, based on the circumstanses at the time. She felt forced to let me quit. NOT letting me quit would have been just "mean" based on what I was going through at the time.

So, I took for 6 years. But my effort was minimal, my enthusiasm was less...and guess what? Despite my mom's best efforts, I now can proudly say that

I suck at piano.. LOL

I can play a couple pieces (chariots of fire, etc) that are such simple arrangments as to probably qualify as piano year 3.. I can play one page of my favorite Chopin Nocturne (E minor) that I did "want" to learn badly enough to put some effort into.. IMO I could have done aLOT better with 6 years of piano if I had have TRIED a little harder. Mom did what she could.

I feel that, for MY circumstanse, it would be HORRIBLY pathetic of me to blame mom for my lack of skill in piano.

There are a few things (dancing, other instruments) that, at times I "wished" she'd started me on lessons when I was young and fresh. But looking back at how immature I was (at the prime age for starting those arts).. I probably wouldn't have put much more effort into MOST of them than I did into piano..

So I don't blame mom that I'm not a star ballerina, either.. even though she never so much as suggested ballet lessons..

So while I'm sure that alot of APs COULD be doing more to help/encourage their child to learn their native culture/language

the fact is that yes, the younger a child is, the easier it is for them to learn a language.

But the child has to CARE.. they have to TRY, or as my experience proves, it won't do much in the end.

And the fact is.. most 5-14 year olds only care about the language their friends are speaking..

Maybe I SHOULD start blaming my parents on all the things that are screwed up about me.. I always thought my problems were my fault... hmmmmmm.

Nope.. Modern pop psychology has convinced me! Nothing is my fault.. It's all someone else's.. ... Wohoo!! YeAH!! What a relief! I can stop trying to improve my character flaws and deficiencies, because, hey... it's not my fault, so what can I do??

Answer 3

I've been speaking my native language since day one.  Some would argue that I still need to study it but I think I do alright in English.

My daughter was born in India and adopted from there and she has no desire to learn Hindi or any of the other languages of India.  She considers herself Canadian and always has.  We've tried to provide her with opportunities to get closer to her first culture but she doesn't want to.  Her words essentially were that "that was then and this is now".  If she doesn't want to learn however we are not going to force the issue.  She knows the door is open if she chooses to go through it.

Answer 4

I am in the not interested category.  I don't know why, I just don't. I guess it was just too hard and it took too much time. I know I'm adopted but I just wanted to be a regular kid.

{When does an adult become responsible for themselves and when do they stop blaming their parents?}

Whatever is the legal age of adulthood.  21?  Maybe after college, idk.

We are responsible for ourselves and if we don't like parts of our lives then it is up to us to make it the way we want it to be.

If  adult adoptees (me included) think they need to speak there native language then it is up to us to learn it.  No one is stopping us from learing it now.  I'm still not interested.

I hope my kids (bio) don't blame me for everything when they get older, but they probably will.

Answer 5

I personally have not nor have I been adopted, however a good friend of mine adopted a little girl about two and a half years ago. She is Hispanic - very much so, but since my friend was already tri-lingual (studied languages for about ten years) and one of the three languages known was her native launguage - Spanish, he taught her to speak and listen in Spanish and English, and also to listen to German, though at three, she cannot speak German - most of the time she knows what he is saying, but she can speka both Spanish and English because as he was raising her he would say one thing in English then say it in Spanish.

As an adoptive parent, he said he did not feel OBLIGATED to teach her her native language - but he wanted ot. So honestly, I don't believe it is the adoptive parent's OBLIGATION to teach it. I think when the child is old enough, if he/she wants to learn their native language theyshould take thier own charge for it.

Answer 6

While certainly there are opportunities in school to learn foreign languages....those opportunities are few and far between, and often do not cover languages that are most prevalent in adoption...Chinese, Russian, etc. Generally, it is spanish, german, and french....languages of 'business'.

Regardless, I personally believe it IS the responsibility of the adoptive parent to instill a sense of pride in in their child's birth country and culture--including language. While, no, not all children WANT to learn, that doesn't mean we should simply say "oh well" and give up....if that were the answer, we would have no children of any background graduating high school..or even attending. After @ the 4th grade, I hated school and never would have wanted to attend....but my parents were in charge and my parents found a value in my education. The fact is, it is a child....you are the adult...you make the decisions until your child is of age. If you make their language and culture/background a priority in your child's life, then they will--one day--be thankful that you thought their background/culture/language/identity important enough to retain. Further, it is a proven fact that languages are much more difficult to learn the older you are. Different languages should be taught alongside the English language for the best retention rate.

Answer 7

"When does an adult become responsible for themselves and when do they stop blaming their parents?"

Probably, when their a-parents takes responsibility for their "own" actions or on this specific topic....lack of action.

Glad to hear you speak your native language Randy not as glad to hear that your a-daughter is around someone that doesn't care enough to make it a priority for her as well.

Answer 8

"Little success if the child is not willing"?

Oh yes, I'm sure every Jewish boy & girl ready to be Bar/Bat Mitzvahed was EAGER to learn Hebrew!

And all those Asian & European children who learn English, ready to propel past the US are tortured by their cruel parents who are forcing them to be better educated and more employable as adults just resent mom & dad sooooo much!  

Don't worry, I'm sure no one will expect your Hispanic daughter to speak Spanish.  I'm sure her name is something like Kaitlyn Johnson, and of course has white parents, so her ethnicity has been compleetly obscured anyway.

You're off the hook.

Answer 9

I would love to learn my native language, except I haven't the slightest clue what it is.  

Answer 10

Rant ahead. I caution you.

[Also, what has stopped you from learning your native language AS AN ADULT?]

Nothing. I've been trying and trying for nearly 2 years.

But no one said it would ever be easy. No one said just how difficult it would be even when you say things correctly because to yourself, it sounds correct, but to native speakers, your accent may make your words incomprehensible.

There are all sorts of factors. Books, audio CDs, language partners. I have done all that. Nothing has been able to easily perform a "miracle" in terms of learning my original mother tongue (which is Mandarin).

It kills me not because of the grammar and vocabulary, but because of the tones. English is a non-tonal language; Mandarin relies solely on tones for context. It can be a b*#&$ sometimes.

No matter how much language native speakers stuff into my head, no matter how many grammar books I study, no matter how many dramas and Chinese communities I could go to, it won't magically make me fluent. It just won't, and that's part of my frustration.

[Anyone with children knows that you can have little success if the child is not willing.]

Absolutely correct. Unfortunately, when I was a kid, the LAST thing I wanted to do was sit in a classroom and try to pronounce funny characters for 3 hours straight. On a Friday evening. I wanted to PLAY.

And you know what? I don't blame my APs. I mentally kick myself ALL THE TIME for not having wanted to learn it. I know it was partially my fault, but part of me still believes that they should have insisted no matter what. Of course, remembering how I felt about it at the time is a complete contrast to how I feel today - it's a MUST.

Not to mention there's also an emotional toll to it. I've tried speaking online with my Chinese mother. She does not understand me about 90% of the time because my accent is too thick. Do I say the words correctly? For the most part, yes. But it still sounds too "strange" for her to comprehend. That takes a huge toll from me. I can spend anywhere from 2 minutes to half an hour just trying to ask a simple question. Could I get a translator to do it? Sure. If I wanted to reveal all my most intimate thoughts to a third-party, definitely. But I don't. That's for her eyes and ears only.

[When does an adult become responsible for themselves and when do they stop blaming their parents?]

When do kids stop having to "be grateful" by default for something they had no choice in?

When do kids ever forget they were "left" by their first parents? NEVER.

When does an adult forget they were relinquished? NEVER.

Despite learning the language and cooking the food and celebrating the traditions and trying to converse with native speakers and watching dramas/movies and listening to the music, when can an adult gain back the years they missed with their first family? NEVER.

Sure, they have all the time in the world after reunion - but that does not replace the gap of separation. And yes, I am fully aware that NOT every adult adoptee gives two figs about their biological family. I am talking about the ones that do, the ones that do search and try and e-mail and talk on the phone and have picnics together and what-have-you.

Adult adoptees should not be responsible for anyone else. They were the ones who had the least amount of choice.

You know, I came across a blog that said:

"I'm pretty certain that the adoptive parents who experienced infertility did not choose to do so. But they certainly were able to choose to adopt, and that's more of a choice than anyone else in the triad actually has."

And for the record: I have never blamed my APs.

Oh, boy. Did I ever rant. @@