Adult Child of Alcoholic: How do I stop misplacing the uneasy feelings with alcohol?

Question

I am an adult child of an alcoholic ACA & although I have come a long way, I am not there yet. I am not really free of all the feelings & triggers... the min I hear a cork come out of a bottle an uneasy trigger sets off, I am present in my awareness of this trigger & the others I have related to alcohol, but still can't stop how it makes me feel. I put unfair judgements & pressures on my fiance & did this to my ex husband & I want to stop so that its not an issue in my relationship or a struggle within myself. I thought about trying to create new associations with the ones that trigger bad thoughts of abuse & uncomfortable feelings. I realize how unfair it is for my fiance to feel like he's walking on eggshells if he has a glass of wine or a mixed drink or two when we go out or in the evening. Somedays I can say to myself it is just fun & life is supposed to be fun so relax, but other times I just react and get upset. My fiance has on occasion, driven with a mixed drink in his car for fun, which doesn't even give him a buzz, we talked about it & he said that is wrong & he will stop. On occasion, say 10 times in the 7M we have been together, he's mentioned he had a tiring or stressful day & wants a drink to relax - the emotional tie bothered / concerned me, why i don't know - I suppose that should be fine to do, b/c he is never having more than a drink or two & will go for weeks sometimes without any alchol at all. He says he does not drink alone, thinks its weird, so he always tries to get me to have a small drink or shot when he does drink, if only I could look at it as fun & harmless...He has also mentioned that caffeine & caffeine pills dont work for him so when he is tired he drinks on occasion - I have seen this and it bothers me, not sure how to change this feeling? He's also mentioned he's not as socially outgoing as I am, & when he drinks he can feel more comfortable dancing & chatting with people. We've talked several times about this whole subject & my issues with it. He says he is his own person not my mom (who was the alcoholic) & that he doesn't deserve such harsh judgement.

Well, we are going on a cruise & I soooo want it to be fun & not have that struggle (hear that voice) regarding the drinking or turn it into a nightmare with arguments. He says he wants to just have fun and doesn't want to feel restricted & that he plans on having around 3 or more drinks every night.... I am dreading it.

Answer 1

Al Anon is the best thing. For friends, family, and those affected by loved ones suffering alcoholism.

It will turn your life around.

Answer 2

Nowhere in all of this do I see the name Al Anon.  It is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.  I have been attending meetings for 5 years now and it has helped me more than anything else ever did, and I was in therapy for 10 years.  Please look them up in your phone book and find a meeting near you.  It is the best place I never wanted to be.  Please believe me, IT HELPS.

Answer 3

Yes, getting drunk can be fun, if you're in a safe environment where someone responsible can be there to help. My suggestion would be to get drunk one night when you're at home and experience it for yourself. The only way you can get over something is to try it. The only way to get over a fear of needles is to get stuck with one, so the only way to get over a fear of alcohol is to drink.

Okay, if you don't do that then the only thing that would help is to talk to someone with similar experiences. That should help as well, but it may take a long time.

Answer 4

I hope you are fully aware of all the emotional baggage that an Adult Child of an Alcoholic is saddled with.  My niece was in your shoes. She ended up driving her husband to a divorce.  Do yourself and your fiance a tremendous favor.  GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!   My niece had to have everything "perfect" acording to her warped view of the world.  I have known 3 people who needed such help and refused to get it.  Mostly because all their life while growing up, they had to keep up the appearance of normalcy in their family.  Everything was "fine".   Every time you asked them how things were going......... the word "fine" was used and overused.  They could be dying inside but still be "fine" as far as the rest of the world was concerned.  I am not saying that your fiance will always be right when it comes to drinking alcohol but you should be able to take a more realistic view of the situation.     Please...... get....... help!

Answer 5

I agree about going to Alanon and Codependancy meetings.  There is something that might help while you are on the cruise though.  Alanon and Coda make daily meditation books that have terrific insight and also help with maintenance of attitude.  Here are two sites and you might want to search some more for good books to stock up on and take on your cruise.  We can't make others do what we want but we can concentrate on ourselves.  That's a huge answer for me- to concentrate on myself.

Answer 6

You are afraid of becomming alcoholic.Go to Al-Anon meetings and you will find many answers.You are too stressing to yourself, and you friend about alcohol. Al Anon will help you understand so much.Relax and be yourself, and try to enjoy what you have.

Answer 7

You said you are an ACA and have come a long way, and I would first like to congratulate you on that because I know how VERY hard it IS. I don't think we will ever be completely free of all the feelings & triggers, but it does get somewhat easier over time if we're aware of it and continue to work on it when we need to.

My own mother's alcoholism and mental illness (depression) has made me a very compassionate person and one who is "more in tune and sensitive to things around me". That can be very difficult at times, but it can also be a blessing. Because of my own sensitivities, I've been able to spot problems coming and start dealing with them long before other people even see them.

I understand about putting "unfair judgements and pressures" on people. I still do that once in a while, but I am usually able to catch myself before I act on it now. I believe we do that out of fear and to "self-protect". I think the more we learn to trust ourselves and others the less we do it.

Learning about "codependence" and ACA issues has helped me tremendously to differentiate between what's my problem and what is someone else's, what's a real fear and which feelings seem to be overexcessive and stem from the past. I am learning how to tell the difference. If the feeling is very intense and makes me feel a little crazy, it probably has to do with a fear issue from the past. That doesn't mean that its unrealistic, but it does tell me that the feelings may be "just a little too much" for the situation and that I need to step back, calm down my fears, and look at the situation carefully and with a clear mind. Sometimes it helps to get opinions from others. Sometimes that doesn't work so well.

I went to counseling for a while, and the three biggest things I learned are these:  1) I'M NOT CRAZY! 2) I am precious and deserve to be loved and trusted, especially by myself and 3) Did you tell him?

The first two are self-explanatory, the third one represents a personal problem I had with not telling others (especially my husband) about how I feel about important things in my life. I would tell the therapist something that my husband (or someone else) said or did and how it bothered me, and she would say, "Did you tell him?" Usually, I didn't because a) I thought it might be "petty" and stemmed from my ACA background, b) I was afraid of starting an argument, c) I was afraid of being emotionally abused ie: made fun of, put down etc. for my problem. d) I was afraid things couldn't or wouldn't change, and e) I was afraid that my perceptions about the problem were "wrong". That's why it is so important to learn how to self-love, self-respect and self-trust.

But it sounds like you have told him. More than once.

Your fears may be "over the top", but they're yours for as long as you have them. You can't force them to go away quicker than they are ready to go, and he needs to be understanding of this, maybe even make some "concessions" for you. But if you believe that your fear is truly unreasonable, try, as best you can, backing off a little and see what happens. Do your fears come to fruition? If you can honestly say that his drinking is harmless, and you are the one with the problem, then you might consider a little counseling to help you sort through some of this if it gets too overwhelming for you and you can't get past it. But you sound like you're doing a pretty good job of working on it yourself.

I AM a little concerned about a couple things you said about his drinking, though. As I read your post intently, a couple little red flags went up for me. First is the fact that he's trying to get you to drink, especially shots, second, he needs to take "something" to stay awake and last, the fact that he's already telling you ahead of time that he WILL be drinking on your vacation. Are you SURE he doesn't have any problems with substance abuse? I don't know the whole story, but I hope something here helps.

Linda

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