Adults who were adopted internationally?

Question

How many adult adoptees that were adopted internationally have actually been to an orphanage? I was just wondering because I have seen and read some things here that seem to be that they wish they were not adopted or that they blame their AP for what happened. I am wondering this because we are considering an international adoption and I work at a local children's hospital and at an orphanage and have seen how these children are treated here. I have seen mothers drop off their children at the hospital for a cold and never to return, or or an upset stomach and give false names so that the child was denied any information. I was wondering if you would feel differently to know that these babies (possibly even you) have diaper rashes so bad that they bleed into their diapers and are given IV's because there is not enough food and tied to their beds with showstrings so they don't pull the IV's out. I do not understand how it is wrong to want to love these children and give them a better lif

Answer 1

You're a U.S. citizen?  

Because that's the international adoption experience I'm familiar with, and so I really can't answer for any other nationality.

I've known my in-laws since I was eight, just after they adopted my sister-in-law from Korea in 1975.  Until 2000, U.S. international adoptees were treated as immigrants, rather than as the children of the adoptive families.  My mother was my sil's sponsor, in fact.

I think that's got to have an impact on the relationship between the adoptee and his/her parents, even just subconsciously.  And my sil has felt isolated, both in her family and socially. Once she was grown, she wasn't sure what to tell her children (biological) about the Korean part of their heritage.  But she hasn't done too badly.  My eldest niece, now 11, has recently indicated an interest in learning Korean and says that she wants to visit Korea some day.  

The whole mindset of international adoption is different today than it was back then.  We're in the process of adopting internationally now, and our social worker told us to tell the story of how she came to be our daughter just like we do with our son.  My ils were counselled not to treat her differently from how they treated my husband and brother-in-law, and the social worker advised us to embrace our daughter's Chinese heritage.  I'm learning Mandarin, both to make the trip to China more enjoyable for my family, and also to teach her as she grows.

Answer 2

I am not an IA.  I'm a "domestic."  But I can tell you that I know literally hundreds of other adult adoptees, IA included.  I have worked in this arena for 10 years.  For many of us, adoption hurts, even when we know the alternative might have been far worse.  

You might want to post a question asking adult adoptees (of all varieties) WHY adoption hurts.

I echo Marsha R's comments.

And... YoooHooo...  please know it is with the deepest sincerity that I wish you continued pleasure from your one-sided conversations.

Answer 3

I don't know any adoptee, IA or otherwise, who wants children to stay in an orphanage where they are not taken care of. I know many who want the very system to be overhauled or outlawed completely so that the mothers of these children were able to care for the children instead of having to abandon them or leave them in orphanages. No one wants more kids to live in orphanages, at least no one I have talked to. I am not an IA, but I have been to an orphanage and played with the children and held the babies. My wish was that all of their mothers had been able to keep them, instead of poverty or government policy splitting them up. Some adoptees I know feel it is okay to adopt orphans to get them out of the situations, and some I know feel that by adopting these children we are allowing the government to ignore giving aid to the parents, thus furthering the problem instead of forcing the government to change whatever is creating the orphans in the first place. Regardless, they are all thinking in terms of what is best for the children.

Answer 4

First of all, I think it is wrong to characterize birthparents as abusive, heartless beings.  Most children are NOT relinquished in the way you describe.  And those whose situation is similar to what you describe, well what deperate situations they must be in!  Yes, of course this kind of situation is one in which most  people agree that adoption is a reasonable solution for a child, but these problems require our help and compassion, not our disdain.

Answer 5

I'm not an adoptee, but I am trying to figure out what your point is in asking this question. Who is going to say, yes I would have rather been sick and malnourished in an orphange?

No one is going to say that. But (and I cannot even pretend to know how this feels), there is always going to be some pain and what-ifs with adoption and there will always be questions that need to be asked. Adoption is NOT ideal. It may be better than some alternatives, but people really need to examine what those alternatives are and what can improve the situation and also prevent it.

The problem I see in your line of thinking is that it comes dangerously close to that idea of adoptive children being "saved" by their adopters. I hate this thought process. I never want my adoptive child to feel like he needs to be grateful or thankful for me supposedly "rescuing" him from a situation he had no part in creating. To use your words there is nothing at all wrong with loving these children, but the wrong part comes in at the assumption that you gave them a better life. Who is to say the life I gave my adoptive son is better than the life he could have had? No one knows and it is fair for him to wonder.  

Of course I can look at my sons life and say look at these things that are so much better. Through adoption my son went from being one of the poorest children in the world to one of the richest (statistically when compared with the entire world, in the US we are solidly middle class). He replaced malnutriton with a healthy diet. He replaced illness with solid medical care.

But if I look at all those positive things I also need to recognize everything he lost. He was stripped of his language, his culture, the comfort of being surrounded by people who looked like him and who had been through what he has been through. He was introduced to an environment where it suddenly matters that he is dark skinned, and where he stands out among our family and environment. He lost his geographical closeness to his first family (we maintain contact but that geograpical distance is a big factor and damper on their relationship).

He is also absolutely loved by me as much as any mother could love their son. But is anyone to say that physical comforts and the love of new parents, these things he has gained, are more important to a fullfilling life than the many things he lost? When I examine my own identity, I see that so many of the things that are so foundational to my own self-image are things he was stripped of in the adoption process. That is not a small thing and I would guess it will invite a lot of questions, wondering and speculation when he is older.

I don't have any answers. I too have spent a great deal of time in foreign orphanages and I wrestled with this so much before I adopted. Many days I feel like through adoption I may have just replaced one kind of pain (ex. physical hunger) with another (ex. feeling like you don't fit anywhere). That breaks my heart, if its true. I don't know. All I do know is that my life is forever better for having my son in it, and I hope one day he feels the same about me.

Also, I think though if you are serious about pursuing adoption you need to reframe your view of birth families. You will need to love your child's first family because they will forever be a part of your child (and hopefully forever a part of your family). To lack respect or care for them will be to lack respect and care for the parts of child that will always love them.

Answer 6

I am curious... They always seem to be here to announce their standings on adoption when they are not being asked.. I am wondering where they are now.

Answer 7

Bloodhound here!

I have never been to an orphanage, but I'm not an advocate of leaving children left to die on their own. I am a childs rights advocate. My concerns are whats best for the children. I am pro-adoptee.

Adoption isn't the answer to everything especially when its violating the adoptees in the manners in which is does. A better system is needed, reformed, bulldozed whatever you need to call it in order to recognize its flaws and destroy them.

When someone advocates against adoption, its not meaning leave the children to die, or against orphans, its for an ethical approach to providing adoptable children and orphans with what they need, and supporting and keeping families intact in the other situations.

Our current adoption industry, doesn't do the above. Not in the slightest. If adoption was ethical, and really providing orphans with homes, the children who you are talking about would be getting the homes and getting what they needed.

adoption politics.