Adults with RAD?

Question

Do you think that adult adoptees who have RAD are likely to be "reactive" to adoptive parents in general because they feel they represent their own adoptive parents? Maybe even without knowing it?

Answer 1

If it is true RAD and not just an attachment disorder in general -- YES.... and I have never thought about that from this point of view.

My little girl is honest and true RAD and if pains me. Not because life is difficult and she can't attach to me--but, because I would do anything to wipe this out of her life and have her feel safe and trusting of her Parents... For goodness sakes--I honestly don't think too many people really GET how it must feel to not ALWAYS have that Trust and Bond with the people who are supposed to take care of you....

It pains me because--I can see she is there--she is soooooo vulnerable and it hurts me to the core when she is Reacitve....It is the REACTIVE part that is much more horrific then most people can even imagine.  No amount of training and no amount of prior parenting experience could have ever prepared me for what REACTIVE really is....

I think it is very possible that a person with RAD could be reactive toward a "group" of people. I see this with our little girl...

You see the thing is that ATTACHMENT is a skill and Not a Person... The "idea" of parenting a child is not to have that child ONLY attach with his/her mommy. In fact, one of the biggest problems with younger adults today is that they are too attached to mommy and fail to go out on their own.

The Natural way a mother wants to raise her child is to teach her child the SKILL of attachment. A healthy mother wants her child to learn to attach--not only with her--but, with future spouses and children.

This is where I feel children with RAD are at risk the greatest for adult issues. The current underlying therapy message is that the Adoptive Mother of a RAD child MUST find a way to cause the child to be completely dependent on the mother....in order to attach.... I believe that is completely the oppisite of Normal Mothering.

A normal mother wants to teach her children to become Independent... and so many who focus on attachment by making the child Only Dependent on the mother are spending too much time and attention on that one issue.

I have to teach my little girl to lead a healthy life. I have to teach her to understand that she has RAD... Why she has it and what she can do in order to heal--or live with it.

I have to teach her to be an independent person and think for herself. I don't want to take away her desire to get what she wants...I want to teach how to get it in a way she will.

I think the biggest mistake any parent makes is not understanding that attachment is not about the actual person but about the feelings of being safe, secure and loved. Attachment is about trusting another person to be careful with who you are....and to learn that "some" people can be trusted with the whole part of who we are.

RAD is much different than other attachment disorders. The Reactive part comes by way of inconsistant early infant care, neglect and failure for the babies needs to be reliably met. Any child can have RAD it happens with children who are born and remain in the hospital for prolonged periods of time--due to the lack of early infant bonding they can have while in NICU.

The Reactive Part is born when the baby is little very early -- a newborn cries to be fed and sometimes is--other times the baby cries to be fed and cries and cries and no one responds. The baby learns that Crying Gets Nothing and the baby stop knowing how to let needs be known... The baby learns otherways to have needs met....

Crying isn't effective--and depending on how long this sort of care continues--babies may learn that a lot of things are not effective to get their needs met. So as they develop they find ways to meet their own needs...from a very little persons point of view.

This where hording--eating disorders--sneaking--lying--stealing--la... of boundaries come into play. The only thing the little 2 year old knows is that Food is hard to come by sometimes so I need to collect it.... people don't see me they don't know what I need so I might as well take it....it is NOT a lie when it is life and death--people don't see me, I have to take care of myself and I have no boundaries because no one is meeting me needs let alone stopping me from meeting my own.

I think that this kind of start in life cannot be undone. I think that when the first feelings a child should have are damaged that it may not even be possible erase. But, I do think that it is possible to heal and understand.

I have never understood WHY adoptive parents with RAD kids seem to want to keep the issue from the child? I don't do that with my daughter. We talk about Both of our Issues in life...we talk about goals and ways we want to try something new...  We actually talk about, "This is some of the reacitve feelings honey--this is hard for you and I am hear to listen..."

My daughter understands in her heart that something is not perfect... she understands what has happened to her in her life and I wouldn't even expect her to just Attach to me as if I were the only thing she ever trusted in her life! I would have to be crazy myself to expect this from any human let along a hurt child.

We don't try to pretend her life isn't the truth and that she has been through things that HURT the way she connected to other people. As she grows up she understand how that happened so much better. She is 10 and starting to be a little concerned about baby-pudge.

I don't have to give diet tips or go down the route of making her hoard--sneak and develop an eating disorer... Or I can talk to her about some of the reasons she has these feelings and why she started this when she was a hungry baby. She then understands where the feelings are coming from or at least part of the reason and now her eating issues and body image isn't about what she is eating--its about why.

Teaching her to understand herself is much different then wanting her to coo in my arms and gaze at me with adoration. I am not a mommy so I can have that--I am a mommy because I want to see someone little--become someone big.... whoever they are and no matter what kind of BS they decided to put me through.

I don't need a bunch of Mamma-Kids all grown up and unable. I want to see my 4 children be who they are--and I want to help them become who they are. My oldest daughter (biological) was and remains for me as a mother the hardest child for ME to Bond with--I love her but, we are polar-opposites in every way... Oh Well for Me. I deal with it because I understand that is what the deal is--and always from the moment her life started was... She is my daughter and I love her and that is what matters.

With my second daughter--adopted at the age of nearly 6--I have NO Problems Bonding with her--she is soooooo like me personality wise that she is Fun! Even her disorders, behaviors and all the rest are Fun when you look back.... What DRAMA our life is--and with this little girl--Drama will always be the name of the game! I love it! She has RAD and other issues--and whatever SHE needs I am here to try and show her how to get it!

RAD people need a lot of time. I think the feelings of a child with RAD may be very simular to the feelings we here Battered Wives talk about. People often fail to understand HOW a woman allows herself to become a victim of domestic violence... No one else will ever understand unless they have been a victim.

When we work with victims of domestic violence we empower that person--we teach them how to take care of themselves--we teach them how to SURVIVE--we do not teach them how to attach right after they leave the situation in fact we advise they do not attach but rather learn survival skills... learn about themselves...understand why they are where they are...and how this stuff can happen to Anyone...and ways to deal with it....heal from it....then build a new attachment with another person who is also healthy.

We don't ask them to go out and submit to another person and express love to the first person interested in a relationship. When we do this to the children--well, it is about the same as asking a batter wife to move in with a new husband right after getting out of the abuse with the last one!

Frankly--I want my daughter to take her time learning to attach and I do not nor will I ever cause her to become dependent to my authority over every minor element of her life and behaviors. She has the right to need time to heal and to learn to trust and some of the suggestions and ideas some of the so called experts suggest are the same as telling the batter-wife's new husband of 6 weeks to hold her down until she submits to his hugs....make her depend only on you for her every need--want--and desire. Control her until she cannot think for herself....

Too many parents in general don't understand that they are not raising children--they are raising adults. Too many parents in general do not understand that Everything that HAPPENS to a life form from the moment of conceptions--Matters in the big picture. Pretending it doesn't only Hurts a person more.

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Answer 2

What an interesting question. Hmmm.  I don't know.  I doubt that RAD adults have a reaction to adoptive parents in general.  Primarily b/c kids with RAD have difficulty getting close to anyone.  In general, they have a tendency to be overly friendly with people they don't know.  

I had an abusive adoptive mom. Yet I don't have a bad reaction to AP's in general. I still believe that adoption is the best option for tge child in some situations. I've met some wonderful adoptive moms.  I do have a reaction to those AP's that are more concerned with their feelings over the feelings of their kids.  

I look forward to other people's POV on this issue.

Here are a few web sites about ADULT attachment issues:

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Adult_...

http://www.center4familydevelop.com/adul...

http://www.instituteforattachment.org/ad...

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Domest...

http://www.radkid.org/

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/

ETA: As a former foster child adopted by my foster parents, I was with my first mom until the age of 18 months, adopted at the age of 3.  My a.mom reluctantly agreed to my adoption & we never formed much of a bond. We've been estranged for 11 years.  No one knew anything about RAD in those days.  Reading some of the information on these sights is eye opening.

Luckily, my first mom wanted and loved me.  I was placed in foster care b/c she was a poor, working mom B-4 welfare.