Advanced critique....highly wanted and welcome...young writer wanting advice?!?!?! :D?

Question

My futile attempts at what some may call love

It’s rather pathetic, I need somewhere to run

God only knows what’s going on in my mind

I need to figure out a way to unwind

This anger that burns and this passion that kills

I can only be saved God’s powerful will

My dreams all collide

I just want to die

I sometimes feel like being ripped up inside

My companion, my friend, why is this so?

I haven’t even started yet I’m going to go

To the stars up above or the heaven below

I don’t really care I just need to know

Do you really want to join me?

In this God awful fate

But if you really do it’s not too late

Also just to warn you, it isn’t great

It’s burning with fervor, choler, and hate

I’m going there in hopes of burning it out

And if you do join me you can’t have a doubt

You have to stand strong and not budge an inch

Or you will fall into the darkest ditch

Answer 1

The ideas are good, but I feel like it has been rhymed a little forcefully, there are some definite puncutation problems, and some of the syllable counts fluctuate quite a lot. So in some cases it sounds a little naive, which I don't think is a deliberate technique that has been employed for the sake of the poem... If it has, it is very good, because the awkwardness of the sound will emphasize the agony and incomprehensibility of love and passion...If the awkwardness of sound hasn't been used to aid the poem, it obviously needs to be addressed

But despite those criticisms, I must admit that it is a very accomplished considering you are a young "writer", and you should be proud that you can write such a piece at a young age, and one with such strong resolve and description. It is definately adult's piece of work when considering the poem itself, not the technicalities of it...

So well done.

It needs a little work on what I noticed, but do not chane the message, it is very powerful and very potent.

Answer 2

Too long lines. U 'v mastered the balance ( rhythm) of some, the rest R unbalanced. The rhyme is forced most of the time. A contradiction appears between (God's powerful will): submission, & (God awful fate): rebellion.Such conflict 'd confuse the reader.  If this is Ur first, which I doubt it, then its a good start. Keep on  writing. U don't have to wait until another love is GONE WITH THE WIND.