Advice: Bullies and parental intervention?

Question

Second time we bumped into this kid. Evan (8) was at the playground, I was at my peanut's t-ball practice in the adjacent field. This kid's just got Evan's number and bullies him. Yesterday Evan touched his skateboard. He should not have. The kid walks up, pushes Evan with his stomach and says “Don’t touch my skateboard again.”

After practice I confronted the kid. I said that Evan shouldn’t have touched his skateboard and that it won’t happen again. I added, “You came close to threatening him, and I would like you to make sure this doesn’t happen again.” The kid said okay. I was very nice, never raised my voice. The kid’s response was with a little bit of an attitude, mostly for the benefit of his friends. I get that. I was satisfied enough that he nearly p’d his pants.

I know there's a right and wrong time to intervene, and sometimes it's more appropriate to let them sort it out. I did think long and hard about stepping up, but the kid was twice Evan's size (literally), he’s huge. He’s also older, by about 2 years.

My question is, what can I expect Evan to encounter next week? The kid was literally shaking in his shoes. So maybe nothing? Maybe “Did you Mommy come to fight your battles again”? What’s Evan’s best response? He could give a sassy response, but is he better off sticking out his hand for a shake and saying sorry about the skateboard? Or does that only work in the movies? I’m not looking for a great comeback, I’m looking for the best way to put this to bed. I don’t think I’m dealing with a bad kid. He looked fresh, not bad. I think I’m dealing with someone who is used to using his size to get what he thinks is respect.

Answer 1

quit stressin over it mom.

Answer 2

Talk w/ your son on how to deal w/ this bully. Let your son deal w/ it. If after a couple more bully attacks, talk w/ his parents. If it continues, I say let the bully have it. Don't be nice, embarrass the boy. By that I mean, calling him out on his behavior...using words of course. Perhaps being humiliated in front of his peers will stop him.

Answer 3

Well, the last thing that you want to do is start a complete fight over the entire thing.  If I was the parent in this situation, I would find out where the bullying child lives.  Next, I would bring over my kid to the bullying child's house and sit down with the kid and the parents, trying to work out the situation.  A peaceful solution is always the best, and immediate intervention is imperitive because the longer the bullying goes on, the more accepted it becomes, and the longer the bullying will continue into the future.  

Things to remember when you go to talk to the kid's parents:  

1) Don't talk down about the other kid's child.  This doesn't look good to you.  Try to just stick to the facts, and the parents will make their own judgment.  

2) Make sure that both children are present in the room.  

If this doesn't work, just have your child try to not communicate with the other kid anymore.  If they continue to pick on him, just tell him to ignore them.  He may not understand, but by ignoring the bully, he is showing that he is stronger.  The bully will no longer be able to take respect out of picking on him and either stop completely, or just move on to someone else.  

Parental intervention IS important here.  By not intervening, you are basically accepting the situation and your son will think that you agree with the bully.  His childhood years are important, and these events can shape them for the rest of his life.

Answer 4

Mums should never get involved in the childrens arguments, I would not class that as bullying as you said your child should not of touched his skateboard.

I leave my child to fight out his own battles, if I interferred before you know it both parents are screaming at each other and the children run off happily playing with each other

I only stated that as I have a 9yr old an a 5 yr old and most time the child does run off an play happily.

I think that although you spoke nicly to the child the parent could see that in another way and fly off the handle.

I also think it would do you child great if he could resolve this matter on his own,  it could well boost his confidence.

Good luck with the matter

Answer 5

I think you did the right thing in the way you handled the situation.  You acknowledged that your son made a mistake and politely asked him to refrain from the threatening behavior.

Most likely there will be no other response from the boy.  It sounds like he clearly got the message.  I wouldn't think he would approach Evan again about it.  If he does, just let Evan know to own up to the fact that he made a mistake by touching his property without permission, he knows it was wrong, and he will respect that by not doing that in the future.  The boy will be at a loss for words because Evan is showing respect (even if the kid doesn't deserve it the way he is choosing to handle things).  If he DOES have the audacity to try to threaten him after that, recommend that Evan calmly look him in the eyes, not even say a word, and walk away. This will show that Evan isn't phased by the threat, and that he has been as polite and respectful as possible, and there is nothing else he needs to do.  Hopefully the boy won't be dumb enough to say or do anything else.  If that happens, then parents need to be involved.

Good luck & hope this helps!

Answer 6

Is Evan scared of this kid? Does he feel like he needs help sorting it out? If not, I'd stay out of it (but if you're really concerned, supervise ... from a distance).  While it might have seemed like a serious encounter from your perspective, it's also quite possible both kids would have shrugged it off and moved on without an adult's getting involved.  I wonder if you really do need to "put it to bed" or if it's already there.  I wouldn't really expect anything to happen next week as long as Evan stays away from his skateboard.  They may not like each other, but that's okay.  They don't have to act like it, either, as long as nobody's getting hurt and nobody's terrifying anybody else.

If Evan is scared and feels like he needs your help, I'd start with some verbal coaching on dealing with bullies.  Supervise more closely if he's worried, but still leave him to handle things unless they get further out of hand.  Ultimately, having your mom fight your battles for you solves the problem that day and amplifies them another, so that's always a last resort.  Of course, if actual physical bullying is going on or threatening is serious (beyond "don't touch my skateboard"), it makes sense for an adult to be involved and you may want to talk to the child's parents, as well.  But I think that should be a last resort.

Answer 7

OK I got an 8 yr old son too. He's been in situations like that. If it looks like it's just when your son tries to hang out with this bully that the teasing occurs, then I'd just tell my kid to avoid him. But if the bully is actively pursuing your son and actually trying to start something, then that's when I'd step in and scare the c**p out of the bully. I wouldn't be "nice" about it, either. I'd go up there looking like I was in the mood to kill somebody and tell him that if he wanted to pick on my son he could consider it as picking on me too, and face the consequences. Then again I'm a guy; maybe your being nice will make the difference that needs to be made. But if the kid is seriously after your son, you need to say SOMETHING, I agree.