Advice Plz! Love my BF but not all the baggage!!

Question

I am so confused right now, I don't even know where to begin! Basically, I love my boyfriend very much & he loves me very much too. We were friends for a couple years first, but the last year or so we've been "together" even though I still don't really "label" us as BF&GF. I was single for 8 years prior to him... just because I didn't want to deal with the heartache that often comes with relationships!

Anyway, the point is, we ARE together now & everything is fine as far as he & i go, but here's the issue- He's divorced and has kids, whereas I was never married & I don't have any kids of my own. I am 26 years old, and he just recently turned 40!

To make things even more complicated, is the fact that I just found out that I probably have endometriosis- and might never be able to have a baby of my own! Who knows, I might be able to someday, but as of right now I have to go for further testing, etc. There has been times in the last 5 months that technically I "should" have became pregnant, but didn't... this makes me believe that my chances of conceiving are quite slim.

Sorry to ramble on, but I'm trying to cover all bases here. So anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that it's really hard on me having to deal with the fact that he's divorced & has kids. I love him dearly, but I don't know how to accept or deal with all of this. Especially when every time he talks about his kids or whatever, I feel like my heart is being torn out and it really makes me sad inside thinking that it's so hard for him & i to conceive and have a baby. Am I crazy for feeling this way, or is it understandable that I feel the way I do? I guess in a nutshell, it's like this- I don't want to be a "stepmom" type figure, when I don't even have a child of my own! Does this make sense??

Answer 1

I know exactly how you feel because I was in the exact same place as you. Me and my husband were just friend, I knew he was divorced with kids and that was something I didn't want to have to deal with. I made it clear that we could only be friends, but you can't really control this kid of thing, and we fell in love.  It was hard, but I really love him and I knew that if I didn't give it a chance I would regret it. The whole stepmom thing, I really don't call myself a stepmom, people might think that's wrong of me, but I will be a mom when I have my own kids. I think if he will set boundaries you'll be ok. We've been married for 4 years, I'm 26 too and he's 35. I have PCOS so I will have to go on treatment to get pregnant and it does drive em nuts that he had a kid with someone else and we are having such a hard time. You are not alone, good luck!

Answer 2

To ease your mind a little just because you didn't get pregnant those couple of times DOESN'T mean that you can't get pregnant. It takes some women a little over a year to conceive and honestly having endometriosis does not mean that you can't bear children. It may take a little bit of time but today's medicine can work wonders. I know some women who didn't even need to rely on medicine. You can't get so down right away.. you're definitely not out of the game yet.

If you guys are definitely ready then you should go to your doctor and talk about your options. I could be as simple as having a surgery to clean out the endometriosis (I know that doesn't sound simple but it's something that should be done whether you're trying to conceive or not) and who knows.. you could get pregnant after the first try!

Don't worry.. it takes some time but it's definitely possible..especially if you both are serious and committed to making it happen. Good luck!

Answer 3

You "love your BF, but not all the baggage".  Your *question* says it all....have you told your BF you love him, but you don't love his "baggage" AKA his CHILDREN?  You can come on and post that you don't love his baggage to thousands of strangers, but I bet you would never tell him to his face....

How cruel.  You don't like being a "step-mom" type figure (because being a step-parent is the worst job on the planet, huh?)....then I guess you're not ready to be in this relationship with your BF.  Why do that to his children?  You don't like them and consider them "baggage", then stop your relationship.  His children ARE your children...if you can't see it like that then there is a serious underlying problem.  These kids are dealing with a divorce, and now YOU?  Goodness....

Answer 4

How you feel is understandable. A lot of people who are ttc have a really hard time when they see babies at all. The most important thing is that you and your boyfriend love each other. I dont think that dealing with fertility issues would be any easier with someone who does not have kids, it just hurts either way.

I am a step mom of 3 and even though I have kids of my own it was still hard at first to deal with my step kids. I mean they are the product of my husband being with someone else. However, I have developed relationships with my step children I love them dearly and feel very blessed to have them in my life. Give it time and dont give up.

Answer 5

I think you should look at this as 2 separate issues - 1, your dislike for his 'baggage' and 2, your infertility worries.

I have PCOS and I am actively TTC 3 months, although not preventing pregnancy 9 months. I am researching alternative therapies to help before I go the 'drugs' route. There are lots of things rumoured to help PCOS that I would never have dreamt of - cinnamon & apple cider vinegar for example. I think you should join a forum for women with endometriosis and start researching all the different options. You will also be able to read other womens experiences with the condition.

I think your problem with his 'baggage' should be treated as a completely seperate issue.

Good luck and baby dust to us both xx

Answer 6

I think you need to get more answers for your chances for conceiving with endometriosis.  In this day and age there are medical miracles that are solving that problem for couples all of the time.  

By the way, I have no known reasons for not being able to get pregnant and it still took me and my spouse 11 mo. to conceive and we were actively trying.  So don't give up hope.  Also, look at his children as an opportunity for more relationships in your life instead of a hindrance.  They are part of him, so you should choose to love him and the children, over a future child.  If you can't do that than maybe your relationship isn't ready for a child anyway.  

You haven't mentioned your boyfriend and his desires for a child with you.  Is he on boat, or is this something you are keeping to yourself.  You need to work it out with him.