Advice for Single Parent~ Absentee Dad~ Please no scolding- I didn't choose to be a single parent.?

Question

My 11 year old son has his Dad so high on a pedestal- he'll never tumble down.

He is an absentee parent- pays his child support and that is it. Nothing extra for school clothes or anything like that. Won't come to a Soccer Game (would rather weed eat and mow grass- I SWEAR)

Doesn't visit with his son- or make an effort to attend events for our son.

I have filled Dad's shoes by taking our son to all of his soccer practices/games, camping, fishing, hiking, teaching him about car repair, mowing the grass, how to treat ladies well~ anything he may need to know to be a good man/person.

I feel like after all the effort I put in to be Super Mom/Dad I don't get the respect I deserve from my son.

He thinks his absentee Dad is all there is and ever will be. He would do anything his Dad said without a thought.

This makes me mad!

How do I get the respect from my son that I should be getting?

Should I tell my Son where his Dad really is when he doesn't show up for events in his life?

Answer 1

Don't make up excuses for his dad, but don't trash talk him.

Simply tell your son that his dad is doing other things and couldn't make it to his event in your most neutral tone possible.

He is 11 years old, and no matter what he is going to idolize his dad (and pretty much everyone but you, unfortunately). Just keep working hard and being there. These years are going to be hard, but if you do your best and be a loving, honest, fair parent he will appreciate you and eventually he will come around and realize everything that you have done/are doing for him.

He may someday become close with his dad (My parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad and I were on horrible terms for 7 years until I became a parent myself. Now, because of all the trash talking and multiple other reasons, my mom who was my best friend is now on my "bad" list and we aren't speaking. My dad and I are finally getting along, and (not that I'm old and wise, or anything like that, because I'm most certainly not) I appreciate him for not trash talking my mom.

Okay, so I got off topic a little bit. My point is, be straightforward, but not bitter with your son.

Tell him that his dad isn't there, but you are. Things will get easier, and the respect will come eventually.

My heart is with you, I know how difficult these situations can be! I hope things get easier for both of you.

Answer 2

I understand that you are doing it all, but your son will realize it too with age. Do not burst his bubble now, as he may just resent you and feel like you said it to hurt him.

You are raising him well. You are doing a great job.

Once he is older and no longer a child who is self-centered, he will appreciate everything you did and resent his father's absence.

Keep it up, and maybe find a friend to vent to as you seem to have alot to get off your chest, but certainly don't vent to your son.

Answer 3

Similar situation!  I dont believe in making my sons fathers mistakes his problem. On the other hand I will not lie or cover for his dad either. I believe that in the end my son knows who does what! I think its easier for the absentee dad to get more praise because hes not doing the dirty work of limitations and discipline. My son does show me respect but I also demand it from him. Take it a little easier on yourself at the end of the day you are only one person!! Lots of luck

Answer 4

moms are never fully appreciated enough. we do so much and don't get paid for it or thanked for it. he will know in time that his dad is not good enough.

Your child support is for his clothes though. and anything else he may need. I did without my day alot and i came out fine. but i'm a female. Keep doing what you do for you and your son and reward yourself with flowers and spa days. or a special dinner out every once in a while. Your son will come around when he is older.

Answer 5

By my experience as a SM, you seem to have two choices: tell him the truth about his father's actions/feelings, and risk alienation and anger from your son, or take the high road, and wait out the next few years until his eyes open and he sees for himself what you always knew.  

A dear friend's son haed him for years because of things the mother (exwife) told him.  She could do no wrong in her son's eyes, despite her inability/unwillingness to put effort into his childraising, his schooling, his development at all.  (Drugs were involved.)  Once the son hit highschool, within about 6 months it seemed like the fog lifted, and he began to see all the things his mother said and did for what they truly were.  It hurt him, but not as much as being forced to choose between the two, had the dad erbally attacked his mother back.  

It took a long time, but the situation worked itself out.  Children are smart - when they are ready, they will allow themselves to see the situation for what it is.  Personally, my choice is to suffer quietly, hoping my own child is seeing for herself what her father is, and what I am.

Answer 6

if you say anything bad about his dad - you know you are going to be the bad egg and he will side with him everytime. i had the same problem with my parents when i was a child. only my dad favoured the pub. i can remember many a time going out on my bike behind my mums back and cycling to all the pubs and popping in to see if he was there. i think the only thing that you can do, without things going against you is bite your lip and wait. your son will grow up in the next few years and finally realise that it was you that was there for him constantly not his dad. it will take time, but he has got to work it out for himself - then, it is up to him to get the answers from his dad. its hard being a mum, i know, but our job is to be there to pick up the pieces.

Answer 7

don't tell him his dad is a dead beat that will make him angry with you. as he gets older he will understand that you do any and everything for him. as far as your son not listening if it's at the point that you tell him to do something but he doesn't listen discipline him when he doesn't. take a way his favorite toy or game punish him for the day where he can't go out side. and explain to him that he has to listen or he will lose privlages. as far as his father goes if you go to court and come up with a custody agreement he will be in his life more. if you haven't done that already.

Answer 8

I know how that feels!  My son was the same about his absentee dad too and I used to get so frustrated about it.  My son is 15 now and he now visits his dad for 2 hours a week, when his dad can be bothered not to make other plans on their assigned day.....geez.  Thing is....without my ever having said a negative word about his dad he has finally figured out for himself exactly how not perfect he is.  There is only so many let downs a kid can take before they figure it out for themselves.  They also tend to think of them as perfect when they don't see them as they don't get a chance to see that they are only human and they honestly they don't want to see them as bad.  My son once said to me that if his dad was a bad and/or thoughtless person then so was he as he is part his dad, wrong but the way they think!

Keep your spirits up, when the halo finally slips of dads head it will move over to yours :)  I got a thank you not that long ago for always being there and looking out for him.

Answer 9

No do NOT tell your son how little his dad cares because in his childish mind he may imagine it is because there is something lacking in himself that causes his dad to lack interest.  Find an organization where good men who care give their time, like Boy Scouts or Big Brothers.  Keep up the good work you are doing, no one ever appreciates their devoted Mom when she is working her hardest!  But all of us other mothers of sons appreciate you and know what you are going through, please take a deep breath and don't burst your son's bubble about his dad.

Answer 10

He'll figure it out soon enough.  That's very sad for your son.  Luckily he has an awesome mother to make up for it.

Answer 11

Tell him. he can handle it.

Answer 12

You should stop comparing yourself & your relationship with your son to anyone or anything.  

Build your relationship on it's own.  Teach your son to show respect because you deserve it.  But, not because you deserve it more than dad.  How he feels about his dad has nothing to do with how he feels about you.  

How would making dad 'less' in your son's heart make you 'more'?  It wouldn't.  It would just make him feel bad.  I'm sure that's not what you want.  

So, concentrate on communicating your needs for appreciation to your son, within your relationship with him.  Be sure to model appreciation, yourself - in your relationship with him and with others.  And, until he starts noticing it, be sure to point it out to him - how it makes you feel, how it makes the appreciated person feel, why it's the right thing to do.  

Just like when he was little, ask him to say 'thank you' to you, when you deserve it.  Be sure to point out to him, too, when he does something deserving of respect & praise.  Then, when praising him or thanking him for it, ask him to examine how he feels about having done a good thing.  

Keep on teaching him until he gets it.

Answer 13

My mom did all the same. I never really appreciated it untill I got older give him time maybe 13 or 14 and he will see what his dad is on his own. Trust me he will appreciate u eventually hes still too young to understand. Now I send my mom fathers day cards :)

Answer 14

Telling your son at 11 years old that his dad is a deadbeat isn't going to solve anything.  He is too young to understand.  Give it a few years - you will see, your son will realize what you've done and appreciate you more than ever.

Answer 15

I know how hard it must be just now, but in a few years time your kid will realise that his dad is an a*****e and you were always there and everything you done for him and he will really appreciate you more. He's just at an awkward age at the moment.

Answer 16

You don't have to tell him, but you might ask him, "Hummmm, I wonder why your dad didn't feel your soccer game was very important?  Did you remember to call and remind him?."

It's never a good idea to bad mouth the other parent,,,, it just makes you look bad.

But he's only 11.  Wait til he's 13 or 14, and dad still isn't showing up... then HE may be asking YOU, "Mom, just where is dad?"  And your response must always be, "Maybe you need to call him and ask..."

It is certainly permissible to have your son call him and invite him to a game or whatever.  He can then draw his own conclusions.   And PS... be glad you didn't have any more with that guy............

Answer 17

That sounds like a really tough situation but it also sounds like you sure have stepped up and gone above and beyond what most kids receive from two "active" parents.  I never had to go through this, had my mom and dad both involved and i'm currently expecting our first in 3 days but my hubby is already very involved with everything.   I would say though it's best not to sour his viewpoint of his dad, as he gets older he will see for himself what his dad is really like.  He is young right now and wants to believe his dad is good.  It doesn't sound like he purposely doesn't appreciate you, he is just a child and trust me when he gets older some day he will have nothing but love and respect for what you are doing for him, especially if and when he decides to start a family of his own.  It's hard now that he may not acknowledge you the way you would like but hang in there and know in your own mind that you are doing whats right and best for your son, don't stoop down and bad mouth his father.  Best of luck to you, i'm sure that is a really hard situation to be in and just remember he will love you for it even more someday!

Answer 18

"Should I tell my Son where his Dad really is when he doesn't show up for events in his life?"

Surely you already know the answer to this question or you would have been badmouthing Dad to Jr. since he was old enough to understand language.  The fact that despite the situation your son worships his father is proof that you've done an amazing job and made all the right decisions.  Why would you want to change courses now??

At 11 boys (and girls) are tough, they're not cute and cuddly, they're in an awkward, inbetween phase.  And sometimes they're angry and just no fun to be around.  This will pass.  When your son is a little older he'll appreciate what you did for him.  And what you did for him -- keeping the image of his father intact -- is amazing.  

This is not to say that you have to make excuses (or make up stories) to cover Dad's mistakes.  If Jr. asks you why dad didn't come to the soccer game I think he's old enough for you to give him Dad's phone number and say, Boy, I don't know, why don't you ask him.  But that's ONLY IF HE ASKS YOU FOR INFO ON DAD.  If not, you have to stick with being noble and selfless and hold your tongue.