Advice from parents of difficult children?

Question

I've got a very difficult son, age 12, who has some ADD symptoms, but despite all talks and opportunities, his selfish ways just prevent him from making any friends. Ever since he was a toddler, his bright and excitable ways have alienated him from having any real close buddies, despite numerous attempts we've made for playdates. Today was the last straw: he invited some friends to a fun event put on by a local church and he promptly left them to go off on his own on the rides and games. The guests left obviously confused as to why they were invited in the first place. His younger brother doesn't have this problem at all and is often the cause of the older sibling's jealousy. We try to stay neutral, but it's nearly impossible to do so and still be honest.

I don't need psychobabble; just advice from parents who have been in this position and have real, personally tried tactics which have worked. Thanks

Answer 1

I've been on the other side of the fence where one of my children's classmates invited her and the rest of the grade to his brithday party.  Some parents didn't bother to even respond but those of us who went were treated to a wonderful party.  We all realized that this boy was not quite like our children, but we were happy to be there, and the family was happy to host us.

So... your child's school buddies must already know how he ticks, and believe me children seem to be blessed with a better moral compass than adults.  

Hope that helps.

Answer 2

I can relate to your concern very well.  I have a 10 yr old son that exhibits very similiar behavior.  One method that has been successful for us with regard to his friendships is to teach him empathy.  At almost every opportunity, we ask him to reflect on what he would feel like if his friends did "X" to him.  For example, in the scenario about the fun event, after he left his friends, I would have asked him to consider how he would have felt if his friends had left him alone to do something else.  Sometimes he'll pretend that he wouldn't be bothered but the fact is all children are in need of acceptance and approval by their peers. Especially during puberty.   Also, it could be that he needs to learn for himself without your protection, the hard lesson of losing friends in order to know how precious they are and how to properly treat them.  Sooner or later he is going to want someone to be there for him and when you allow him the pain of rejection or abandonment by his buddies he will eventually come around to better behavior.  Good luck.

Answer 3

Well just take him to a doctor.

Answer 4

firstly, i would like to say you have allot of strength! raising a kid with attention, deistic disorder is surly difficult. secondly, honey i hate to tell you, but there is no cure. your son is in a hard place. think how it must feel that people shy away from him because he can't stay focused on one topic for very long. that is probably why he invited friends, then all of a sudden went off on his own. it had nothing to do with his being selfish. thirdly, just give him his space, and explain to him if he wants friends, he has to try and control his attention to one subject, but also let him you know or think you know how he feels. that may make him feel a bit better.good luck!!

Answer 5

My son is 7 soon to be 8 and has a lot of the same problems.  I don't like to call them "problems" I like to call them "learning experiences" with him.  I don't want him to think that when he does things wrong that it is always a "problem".  Also, what you conside to be a problem to him just isn't. I would just sit him down and talk to him (without the brother being around) and tell him that he can't do this and expect to have friends.  Ask him how he thinks the people he invited to the function felt when he left them to go off by himself?  He may not even realize that this is a problem.  My son didn't.  He did the same thing at a church carnival.  Thankfully because the kids are younger I was able to catch up with them and get them all back together.  My son said he went off by himself because as a group they couldn't decide on what to do so he just went and did what he wanted to do.  He didn't realize that when he has invited guests that they all make a decision as to what to do.  Just don't think of it as the last straw because it isn't.  I beg you to please give him the benefit of the doubt .  It is hard enough for us as parents to have to keep going the extra mile to explain to our kids who have a few differences from others just how to act and how to treat people.  My son is the only child and it breaks my heart when I see things like this happen to him and it happens by his own doings and he doesn't even have enough common sense to know.  So I take him and sit him down and explain things over and over to him and one day he will get it.  Just have patience, love and understanding.  God gave us these children because he knew we could handle them and help them get though life.

Keep inviting the friends over and keep enforcing the "how you should act" behavior.  He will do fine.  He has you, a caring mother already on his side.  Good luck to you!