Advice needed with daughter/husband????

Question

The way shes acting out now, I see her in jail, on drugs or pregnant very very young. How do I tell him, he needs to gain control now, because she out of control?? How do I tell him these things, he will just get mad.

Answer 1

I have been in the EXACT situation - except my step has now moved out but she is still in control of her parents - just not as bad with her father- think there is still some denial going on.  I don't recommend you telling him about her behavior - I made the same mistakes started 7 yrs ago taking her to him stating I was not putting up with her bad behavior telling him what she did- do something ( as all the books say a parent not step should be in charge of discipline) nothing was done.  So I started being the diciplinary and I would tell him what she did and what the punishment was- still never said a word- as she got older she would smile at you lie at the same time- destroy her personal items (electronics) by throwing or losing them and he would do nothing.  She was his favorite.  At  some point I became the evil one as I would tell him the things she was doing he would ask her she would say no daddy not me and he would let it go.  Finally I told him she is your if you are not going to try to take care of things then she is yours to deal with I can't do this any longer without any support - as he became very defensive of her.  The breaking point was he found letter she wrote a MAN in an adult correction facility ( she met him at work) where she wrote very intimate things to him and also spoke of another MAN from work she had been seeing at the same time in their 20's she was 16 - I got to go in to her work tell them she was not coming back- he did confront her we had the letters she said I don't know what your talking about- let her get another job at 17 after multiple reports from co - workers she was setting up sales and drop offs af drugs at the work place they watched her steal on camera and they sent a person in to try to catch her which they did- we had to go to her work and she sat there without blinking - I never did that don't know what your talking about so she was fired.  After this stunt I actually heard him tell her he believed she didn't do those things.  The final straw was 1 week after graduation she told her B/F parents we threw her out( we called them) after she informed us she was moving out  and when confronted we got oh I didn't say that they mis understood.  Guess my point is :

1 she will get worse if he doesn't step up to the plate

2 you can't step up for him if he isn't willing to see it and show his support as you will turn into the bad guy (even if you would handle your kids the same way) and then he will go more into denial and she will end up causing friction in your relationship

3 I would try to get him to place her in counseling I wish we would have done that- it was the only thing I didn't try don't know if it would have helped or not.

once she breaks his heart- and it is a direct attack on him as a person and there is no denying it any longer then it will be to late for him to do anything it will be extremely difficult with you having her only on the weekends as well ( since her mother is in denial as well)  Nothing seemed to really work for me in the situation  we took her auto away several times tv phone ex... and as soon as she got it back she was right back at her devious ways again- but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Answer 2

It's clear that you're very concerned about her behaviour, but I would suggest that the first thing you need to do is stop labelling her as "bad." She's not a bad kid, her behaviour is bad, and it's (as you point out), the result of some parenting issues that you're caught in the middle of.

Her mom and your husband need a reality check: it could be that they don't want to acknowledge the behaviours because they're afraid that they'll be blamed for it -- not uncommon in a divorce... But as the grown-ups, you all need to work together to let her know that her behaviour needs to change. It isn't going to work if you're not all on the same page.

Is it possible for the parents to meet and have a constructive discussion about what's happening. No blame, or name calling... just an agreement that this kid needs help and guidance, and it's your collective responsibility to provide it. Maybe a mediator to facilitate the discussion?

Once you're all on the same page, sit down with your step-daughter -- all the grown-ups; make it clear that you're all on the same page, and that your priority is to work with her -- not punish her, but help her sort this out. Maybe she's having a hard time dealing with her parents' divorce. Maybe she's having trouble at school... who knows... but, if no one asks the questions in a way that makes it safe (i.e., no screaming, no "you're a bad kid") for her to talk to you... you're going to get nowhere.

As the grown-ups, it's your job to work together on this. Even if you all loathe eachother. Doesn't matter. The kid needs your help, your understanding, and your support...

Answer 3

She sounds like a royal brat, and your husband sounds like he's in a battle between him and her mother, trying to be the "better parent" and let her get her way.  You are right about wanting to discipline her, because she WILL get into heaps of trouble and will take your son with her. Your husband needs to stop being so selfish and stop thinking about himself and trust his wife. He is basically calling you a liar because he doesn't beleive his sweet daughter would do those horrible things his rotten wife is telling him. Take matters into your own hands if he won't help. Spank her,... alot, because that's the only sure fire way you can get her to listen to you, is to embarrass the h**l out of her by bending her over and wooping that behind. Also, try The Circle. My father-in-law did this to his gf's horrible daughter and it worked. Draw a circle on a peice of paper and put her nose on it on the wall. Then move it up until she's on her tippy toes and tell her to hold it until you tell her she can stop. When she stops before you tell her to, spank her. Be consistant and do it every time. Also, take away all her c**p like T.V., radio, gameboy, etc. until she learns to respect you. Good luck.

Answer 4

I think she may be acting out because her parents split up, then again maybe shes just a huge brat and knows she can get away with it. I dk what id do in ur situation, u sound like the odds are against you.. u poor thing. Good luck!

Answer 5

I feel for you that's for sure, however, a step parent cannot dicipline the step child...it just doesn't work.  You have to convince your husband somehow what she is like and it will be up to him to enforce rules/boundaries.

Answer 6

Ill just answer before i read the rest then edit--

your completely in the right if this girl has no punishment she will get no morals, she needs some form of discipline or someone to look up to and idolize, you could be that positive influence, take her out to a meal on her own, be nice to her and try to teach her in ways she wont get offended or angry at you.

Could you not have a serious chat with your partner (im sorry im sure you already have) but if I was you I wouldn't want to be with someone who could do that to their own daughter, theyre a liability and they should be helping.

And as harsh as this is, if there isnt anything you can do, its the parents fault if everything in that childs life goes wrong

I personally think that now shes in your life, you should help out in whatever way you can you dont want to see her 10 years down the line as a drugged up stripper because you know you can help.

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on the side of the daughter i have a step dad who I dont get on with at all, but thats because he makes no effort with me and is constantly rude. If you can make friends with her and get respect I think youll be fine, but it will probobly take time..

if you can show her how much you love her father and how much he loves you she'll start to understand that as long as her dads happy, she should be happy that hes happy- and that your the one making him happy! confusing but it will gain you the respect you need

xx good luck :) xx

another edit! --

she obviously needs to understand what empathy is.. she doesnt realise how much shes hurting you, if she could see it in her own terms then she might cut down on hurting other people..

just try not to argue with her thats the worst thing you can do, you dont have to look like the bad guy! shes 10 could you get her to watch high school musical or does she think shes too old for that? films like that have a lot of empathy and morals and connect to kids/teens from the right angle.. x

Answer 7

Sorry, cupcake, but it's not your responsibility to "punish" your stepdaughter.  If hubby won't set any limits on her behavior, then the two of you need marriage counseling.  You both might benefit from parenting classes as well.

Answer 8

You need to sit down with her and her parents and just lay down the law.  This is YOUR home just as much and you have every right to expect some respect.  Just because there are no rules in her home does not mean there aren't any rules in yours.  If her parents get defensive with you, then you need to give Dad an ultimatum; he either gets involved in the discipline or he and his ex need to figure out something else as far as visitation.

You might want to include your Dad or anybody else in the immediate family who was witnessed her bad behavior, that way they will see it's just not you.

Tell them that you love her very much but just as with your son, she is expected behave otherwise there will be consequences.  Let the girl speak too, she may be bottling up some feelings that does not know how to express.

I have not experienced this myself but have several friends who have and I understand your frustration.  Good luck!

Answer 9

You as the step mother can not do much unless you have the father on your side.  Sounds like he isn't much of a parent, and the mother is a real winner.  As the stepmother you just don't have the power that her mother and father do.  Sorry.

Talk with your husband and if this doesn't work I have no idea what you can do.

Can you imagine what kind of father he will be with your son when he gets older.    Maybe patenting classes would help him.

Answer 10

I feel for you. I have a 12 year old that lives with me and her father. The same problem and her mother is 2 hours away and has almost no involvement. unless of course the daughter is corrected or told to do something then she is on the phone with the mother. Yesterday me and the father had a discussion about her behavior and decided she wasn't going to go spend the night anywhere until it improved, not completely grounded but kind of. Not 10 minutes later (on his way out of town for work for a couple of weeks) He said she can go to her cousins if I didn't care. Good luck! If you want some support message me. People say raising kids is the hardest job; it gets twice as hard when they aren't yours.