Advice on Whether to Go Through With This?

Question

Many of you know my story in dealing with my biological mother, however part of me still wants to keep on her until I get more of the truth from her, I need to hear it from her, keep pushing. I want to ask her questions again and see what answers I get this time around, whether they are more lies or the truth, it eats at me.

I do not know whether I should e-mail her again asking her questions another two years of gap without questions.

What do you think?

I just feel like I have a right to know, but I do not want to be a burden.

Answer 1

Keep pluging away and you just might get the truth and if you dont then you have lost the battel.

Good luck

Answer 2

I have read your previous posts and I think you have very little to gain from continuing to try to have a normal relationship with these people - they may be your biological parents, but you should be so thankful that you were adopted into a loving home.

Some people are incapable of being honest, they may be some of those people who invent ficticious information about themselves - if you can, stay away - I'm not sure what information you need, but is it important enough for you to continue in a weird relationship like this?

Go hug your mother, she who raised you and tell her you love her!

Answer 3

I answered this very completely a few minutes ago and it disappeared.  I will try again.  

I am not familiar with your story, but I am a mother and I know the experience of reunion with my son who found me 20 years ago.  I can tell you that when my son found me, I was overwhelmed with feelings that I had purposely kept hidden, unable to allow my mind to go there, and his questions almost killed me from the pain of revisiting that time in order to give him the answers that he demanded.  

Not only is there the grief at the loss of the infant that you bear in the mix, but for me and many of my friends from the EMS, there is also those other feelings equally unpleasant, with which we have to deal.  There is the feeling that everyone on whom you depend betraying you, the utter helplessness and despair, the fear of the unknown, the isolation of the pregnancy, the anger and rage at being so utterly powerless over your own situation, and the abject and utter surrender of your own will to forces that are overwhelming.  It is very like a rape and it kills the spirit of many women, and a part of all of us who have lost our children.  There is not a one of us who escapes that experience unscathed.  A part of me died  and was buried on the second floor in the Booth Home for Unwed Mothers in St. Louis MO  in April of 1967.  

I am a pretty tough gal, and it was almost more than I could bear.  If your mother is more fragile than I, or  less in touch, or more private, or shyer or bought the bull that she was fed a little better, or was more indoctrinated than I, she may have to take her healing in little tiny bites.  

I know that for you 2 years seems like a long time to wait for information from her, but for a woman who has held these feelings at bay for your entire lifetime, it is a drop in the bucket. If my son, who is in yet another of his numerous pullbacks, this time for almost 2 years, had not pulled back, I may have had to, just to find the answers to his questions and to assimilate the parts of myself that had been denied for so many years.  When we were in the early days of reunion it felt like he was pulling hunks of flesh off my bones to fill his needs and I got to the point where I dreaded his phone calls. It felt as if I would come to apart he pulled so very much out of me.

I have now reached a point where I can separate activism from my reunion and that is helpful, but your mother is still in a maelstrom right now.  It takes time, it takes patience and it takes empathy, like any other relationship does.  

BTW, I was over 10 years into my reunion with my son when I finally touched the pain for the first real time.  I was alone in a dark room on the computer in the middle of the night.  My son was in an extended pullback, over 3 years and I had googled his name.  His daughter's name came up, my firstborn grandchild who, by all accounts was a spitting image of me. Her name was listed as a member of a softball team that had won their championship in the region.  They had a picture on there and I looked at the picture, I searched and scanned and blew it up and shrunk it down and pored over it for hours in the middle of the night.  All of a sudden it washed over me like a tsunami that one of those little girls was my kin, my blood, my granddaughter, and no matter how I searched, I hadn't a clue which one she was.  that was the moment of my most profound grief, and I wailed like a wounded animal, for hours and hours and hours.  My husband found me there and in all the time he had known me that was the first time he had EVER seen me cry.  I had not cried since I lost my son, not about anything.  

That is what your mother is dealing with.  That is a journey that doesn't happen overnight.  That is a very hard place to go.  Be patient if you want to know and be a part of her life.  Only you can decide if you want to have her in your life.  

Sandy Young

SMAAC  

Answer 4

KTea,

I would really listen to what Possum and Sly are trying to say to you.

Your mother isn't trying to confuse you, she is probably just struggling with her own suppressed emotions. Give it time and patience.

Nmoms are all different and some block out the separation just to survive and stay sane. I just heard from a colleague that a young woman from Guate whose baby was kidnapped last year when the baby was just days old, killed herself.  

Answer 5

Go ahead do it, if its bothering you that much just say what you gotta say until you feel that you've done enough to find that truth. Good Luck with whatever choice you make.  

Answer 6

Personally - I think you both need some space.

Pushing now may mean that you never get the answers you are hoping for.

Pushing now may also mean that the questions come out all wrong - and the answers as well.

But that's me.

Which ever path you take - it has to feel right for you.

Sending you strength and hugz.

I know that hurt.