Advice on dealing with/helping with my MIL. Her son and daughter in law are expecting their first child

Question

My MIL and FIL got divorced when my hubby was a small child. Well FIL remarried a few years ago so there is a step MIL. MIL hates step MIL and the fact that she will have to share the grandmother title and role with the step MIL. Being I am married to her other son and we have not had children yet ourselves this our first experience with her drama about the baby and grandmother issues. I am stuck in the middle and trying to be as neutral and objective as possible. So I just continue to listen, or keep the distance or try to offer some kind words to be supportive?

This was her lastest emailing about the shower issue:

It’s really about D and her big fat a** involved in the shower. For God’s sake can’t I be the Mother of my Son and the Grandmother of my Grandson for one F-ing day without having to share it with D. D who never has done a d**n thing for either of my Sons. The Sons I raised…. I hate her!

Answer 1

Ooooohhh, this is a sticky situation. There really is no best way to deal with in-laws. BTDT.

Best thing you can do (IMO) would be to avoid cuckoos. But...seeing as your MIL is going to be in the picture and you won't be able to avoid her, your best bet would be to promise yourself that nothing she does will upset you on that day. Relax. Don't stress (that is the last thing you need).

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband and come up with a game plan (and make sure he sticks to it --- it is easy for the hubby to sway between the wife and the mother/stepmom because in his own way he is likely to want to keep the peace in both camps, usually ending up making things worse). He needs to support you and if necessary he has to keep his mom from coming too near you. Her email sounded a tad too angry for my comfort, and I wouldn't put it past her to cause a scene on your day :-(

IMO, your MIL (or stepmil) really should lay off, because it's not just about her being the grandmother. It's about YOU being the mother of your baby. It's YOUR shower, not her "grandma day shower".

This should be a joyous moment for you, and no one has to spoil this for you. Is she in this because she loves the baby, or because she is the grandmother? :-(

You have to keep harmonious relationships with your mil and stepmil, yeah. Plenty of years to do that... But for just one day, your shower, ask your husband if he can just hold the fort so you can have a memorable day.

Have a happy one :-)

Answer 2

Be really careful getting involved. I agree that the step-grandmother needs to back off.  It's not her child and she should allow the child's mother to take charge if she wants to.  But I'm not sure who should tell her that.  Probably not you and I'm not even sure your husband should do it.  To be quite honest, because it's your BIL and SIL's baby, you should find out what they want.  Because it's their baby, they get to decide how things will be.

Answer 3

tell the mom so play nice if not the step mother in law will be the only grandmother.  she need to grow up/  that  is the reason the father left her now.

Answer 4

I agree with your MIL. But it is pretty hard on you and your hubby. See if the step-MIL can compromise and let the MIL take charge for a day, like she says.