Advice on parenting?

Question

I am in the process of adopting my cousin. She will be 12 in Sept, and I am turning 21 in March. I also have an 8 month old baby. She lives in MI in a foster home. She and her younger sister, already adopted by the family she was placed with, were put in foster care in seperate homes 5 years ago after their father molested them. She has since developed R.A.D, Reactive Attachment Disorder. She is now indescrimiately affectionate and becomes attached to almost anyone she meets. Last month her fathers parental rights were finally revoked, and she became available for adoption. No one else in my family stepped up for her, so I did, and I have been approved. She will be comming to stay with me and my family in FL in 3 weeks. This will be a trial placement for 6 months, then we will go back up north to get it finalized.

Now for the question. Does anyone have any advice on raising a child only 8 years younger? Has anyone delt with her kind of RAD? How about a 12 year old and an infant?

Answer 1

She's going to need some special attention.  Contact social services in your area and ask for resources available to you to help her get adjusted and to help her with emotional issues related to her unstable life so far.  

Keep the communication up and expect to spend plenty of time showing her appropriate behaviors and limits.

Answer 2

I admire what you're doing but you will need professional guidance. Seek some counseling for the both of you now. But not on here.

Answer 3

Just give her lots of attention and involve her in the care of the baby..by showing you trust her  with the baby ,it will raise her self confidence..Tell her how happy you are that she is part of your family now and for her to know that you will always be there for her no matter what..Give her lots of praise for everything she does right and if she screws up don't be too annoyed..tell her what she did wrong and hug her..She may at times try to make you mad  to see if you really want her and are not going to give her up..Just keep telling her You know she knew better than to do that, and you still love her and no matter what..she is still part of the family and not going anywhere..Good luck and God bless u for stepping up to care for her..

Answer 4

Good for you for having the guts to do this.  It's not an easy decision to make.  I think one thing you have to try and remember, is to not get carried away and become just friends.  It's important to have a good relationship, but she has to respect you, in order to listen to you, and in order for your oppionion to matter.  The good thing is that the gap is small, and she may be able to relate to you better.  Take advantage of that, but don't let her think of you the way she thinks of her school friends.

About the RAD, I have never had any experience with it, but I read a little bit about it.  It seems it's something she developed due to the abuse and neglect she went through.  Do some research, and talk to a specialist, but I think if you just show her the love and affection she deserves, without overdoing it, she 'll improve gradually.  Show her you're not going anywhere, and you're there for her.  Make her understand she has to follow the rules like everyone else at home, and she's loved and wanted like everyone else too.  No more, no less.  She's one of the family.  What she needs is security, and she'll start to feel that gradually.

As far as the baby is concerned, I wouldn't put them in the same room.  Give her her own space, but let her interact with the baby too.  Having her lelp out with him too, will make her feel needed, and also will make her care for him a lot more.

You'll need lots of patience.  It won't be easy.  I 'm wishing you lots of luck and courage, and I admire you very much for doing this.

Answer 5

I haven't been in ur situation but I can give u some parenting advice. Make her feel like shes well loved and that she very important to u. Shes old enough to help u with the baby and house work so thats 2 things that will make her feel important.

Just try to remember how it was at that age for u and try to understand how shes feeling. I hope things work out and good luck.

Answer 6

Umm as a 12 year old i would let her get attached i mean you are the only one that wanted her and the 12 year old and the 8 mo..If the 12 yr old gets attched to her it is a good thing  becasue she can help take care and wont be like no willing to help.

Answer 7

You're going to have a full plate, girl!

My advice is to:

Read as much as you can as quickly as you can!  Go to http://www.tapestrybooks.com and compile a reading list.  See what you can borrow at your local library to save on funds (you will likely come across books you'll want to add to your library, but you probably will be able to read some of them once & be fine, so borrow what you can).  Keck (can't remember his first name) is an excellent author & I have "Adopting the Hurt Child" & have also read "Parenting the Hurt Child"  Both are excellent!  Deborah Grey (Gray?) is also an excellent author & has at least one book about attachment.

Get together with an adoptive support group, especially if the families have adopted older kids.  Adopting older kids carries special issues in addition to all the regular adoption issues.  Seek out a support group, they may be instrumental in keeping you & your family sane.

Get on some email lists for adopting older kids.  There's a secular one called "older child" and a Christian one called "Christian older child" that are geared toward parents who've adopted older kids.  You'll get good support there.

You should gather a team of professionals who can help you.  This should include social workers, therapists/counselors/psychologists or whatever and a good doctor that understands abuse and adoption issues.  You can turn to these folks when you need their help & they'll give you a good clinical perspective on things and help you out!

You should encourage your family & friends to read up on adoption issues so they'll know where you're coming from & will be a support to you.  In parenting my children who were adopted as older kids, I've come across people who think I'm too strict, too structured and sometimes downright mean.  They simply don't understand the challenges involved in adopting old kids -- my adopted kids, especially my oldest daughter NEEDS major structure in her life or she falls apart.  Older adopted kids in general need high structure/high nurture environments, but she needs it even more.

Answer 8

RAD is a very serious diagnosis.  She probably already is in counseling (I'm hoping), but you will need to make sure it is good and adequate.  She (and you) should be working with a very good therapist who is familiar with RAD and adoption issues.  I am familiar with general attachment parenting techniques, and there are lots of books on that, but I don't have personal experience with anything as severe as RAD.  It is something that requires professional help, however, and you will need to learn parenting techniques specifically geared for it.  It is not something that will just get better with love and nurturing, it really reqiures specific techniques.  Find support groups for parents with children with RAD, and help your family and friends understand what you are doing (when certain decisions you make may seem wrong to them) so that they can be supportive.  The social worker(s) you are working with should be preparing you and helping you get the support you and this child will need.  You also need to consider the affect that this will have on your baby.  Sometimes children with RAD can be violent towards other children in the family.  I'm not saying this will definitely happen, but even if it doesn't, parenting a child with RAD will almost certainly be disruptive in a family for a long while and require lots of work, so you do need to consider the affect on your baby.  I'm truly not trying to be a downer, and I really hope that you can be the family that this little girl needs, I just want you to know that this is some really serious stuff, and the more prepared you are the more likely it will be successful.  I truly wish you and your family all the best.  If you would like to email me and talk further, please feel free.

Answer 9

My advice with the 8-year age difference would be that you should stay in touch with any professional who works with your cousin and listen to what they have to say about what she needs.

One thing about being that close in age to her is that you aren't going to see her as young as someone who is 40 would see her.  I have learned, myself, how I once saw people 15 years old as pretty grown up, but then when I had a daughter 15 myself I realized how young it really is.  I think you could use a counselor's advice when it comes to this issue as well.

You have to be a grown-up, act like a leader, and set some basic and reasonable rules for "the whole house", but you have to treat a young person with respect too.   Then you can (and should) say to her, "I treat you with respect, and I expect the same kind of respect shown to me."

As far as your baby goes, I, personally, would never leave my infant in the care of any 12-year-old; and I would never leave my infant alone with any person with a history of mental health problems of any sort.

If it were me I'd make sure she did not get "all involved" with the baby at all.  I think you should take care of your baby, if she's there and see's you caring for the baby that's fine.  I think I'd tell her, though, "I'm not comfortable letting other people pick up the baby while she's so young.  She's still young enough that I want to be the only one who takes care of her."  

I think you should encourage your cousin to build her own, new life and make new friends; and when the baby starts getting around I'd make it a point not to let the baby do things like get into her belongings.  She's been through a rough time, and its going to take her a long time to build a new life and get past what she can get past.

Your baby is a new little person who deserves your attention and the life she can have with a decent mother.  Between now and the time your cousin turns 18 or so your little girl will always be a very little child (six or under).  I'd want to limit the older girl's influence/impact on her as much as possible (while, of course, still enjoying family times together as a group).

You're probably going to find your cousin a lot more challenging than you realize she'll be.

One thing I've learned about kids who have been abused is this:  One thing they need, every bit as much as they need professional help, is the chance to just be a kid and not always be reminded that they "have problems".  Try not to let her "issues" become the only thing anyone sees about her.  Try not to be talking about her "problems" with people other than anyone who is a professional in the capacity of trying to help her.

Just my "two-cents" (three-dollars, really) worth.

Answer 10

i wish you the best of luck when my sister die at 38 my nicse did the same thing at 18 and her sister were 14 and 13 it will be hard you can do it with a lot of love and time