Advice on why my daughter has no friends?

Question

I am seriously concerned about this. It makes me ache for her and cry all the time. She is just like me so i know what it feels like but I only care about her feelings now and i don't know what to do. I found a letter tonight that she wrote to Jesus asking to please help her make friends and to figure out why she doesn't have any. I hate that she is 13 years old and going through the same thing that i did my whole life. If i had to list all of the qualities that i would want in a friend they would point right back to myself. I am very fun and outgoing; willing to try anything new, yet can sit quietly and enjoy a movie. I always feel bad for the single lone person in a room and will talk to them when no one else is. I am very cordial and don't interrupt. when the phone interrupts a conversation i Will always remember to come back to the person and say "what was it you were saying? I am always on time and very help full to others needs. I am not a wimp and do not let people walk on me but nor am i a bi***. people always like me but i can never "hook" that actually friendship to where they call and want to make it a point to hang out. I have no extraordinary oddities about me that would turn people off. I'm very attractive, have a job, not an alcoholic, no weird character traits, etc. I'm describing me because I'm describing my daughter. I can't figure it out for myself and I want to figure it out for my daughter because my heart can't take for her to go through the years of hurt and lonliness and rejection that I went through. (boyfriends were never a problem but i don't want the same for her.) what can I do? It's not like going to counceling will help figure out her "lack of friends" issue. P.S. she's been to two different schools and has been involved in church and Y.M.C.A. and sports her whole life so it's not a lack of involvement that's the problem. How can I help her figure this out?

Answer 1

I wish I had an easy answer.  Confidence is usually at the root of many of these types of problems, but you may have to actually work with her to help her in her interactions with friends.

You might want to look in to a seminar on how to attune yourself to folks, and gain rapport.  It actually is a skill that can be practiced.  Getting your daughter to buy in to this idea will be hard, but she sounds smart and pretty, so I'm betting with some work she could at least get better at meeting and conversing with folks.

Other than this, keeping her involved in new things will expand the scope of her knowledge, conversation, and experience.  Most of all try to get her to relax.  

My daughter is in the same awkward age.  I have asked her the following question at times:

"Honey, do you know who is really cool at your school?"...

(pause)

"No one, there are just some who think they are"

The rest of the strategy is that "Being Cool" isn't the objective, having fun is.  If you go do something with folks, focus on having fun and you can't lose.

Other than that, I just try to help them learn and develop and hope they don't get too banged up along the way .

Not sure if this helps, but good luck.

Answer 2

Oh..its really sad. I think the most advice i can give you is to be with her always, ask her if she has a problem and tell her "to think positive always to find friends" ,"be optimistic" ..."be simple" and "get along with othersssss" ..because "no man is an island"  

HeHeHe... Hope..it'll help you...by the way..I am 13 yrs old too..I can be her friend..just email me...  [e-mail]

Answer 3

parents can only do so much for their kids.  This is a road she has to walk on her own.  she will find friends, but u cannot help her on this one.

Answer 4

I don't mean to be rude, but I want to make sure if it's real that she has no friends at all, because she does belong to church and school... right? Especially, the people in church are friendly. I know some are not tho.

I know some classmates in my old school that they couldn't make friends at all, because they're so quiet and are really really shy to talk with people. So many people around her was thinking that she is creepy.

I don't think she is necessary just like you! She is not 100% like you, right? You described yourself  "attractive" which was describing about your daughter too...Isn't attractive people have a lot of friends?

I wonder how did you figure out that she doesn't have friends at all? She must have friends at least a little.

If she really needs friends that she wants to talk to, I can be her friend. I sometime feel lonly, so I understand what you mean. I'm serious...

Answer 5

life is hard when people don't want to hang with you. the reason could be she doesn't like what they do or have you thought that she may be scared of something? that something deep down is holding her back from making that friend. the way you described yourself (please don't take this the wrong way) was like little miss goody too shoes. kids see that as a negative. if she were to act more like a regular kid- say for instance hang out at the mall with some kids (of course you'll be there but in the back ground) have some kids over for a pizza party - you know regular things. to put it nicely - stop being so dam nice!!

Answer 6

Try to find out if SHE actually isolates herself. Some might view her as unapproachable, so ask coaches, pastors e.t.c to involve and engage her with the team, not only activities. I wish her luck!

Answer 7

I say just give her her space.If you two have a close relationship let her be on her own for about 2 weeks. that might help. Or maybe you should let her hang out with some of her cousins. maybe she isolate herself. If this doesn't help maybe u should sent her to therapy for several weeks. Good Luck. i hope i helped.

Answer 8

Did U asked her If she has a problem? Have U spoken to her lately? I think friendship starts from you then next to the outside world. I also have a daughter shes 11 years old and like your daughter she doesnt have friends before she just went to school then go home stay inside the house. what I did was I made her my friend. we went out evry weekend and share story even some little things in school. after she watch dvd I always make sure that she will let me know what the movie is I will always ask her to tell me about the movie. then we will read teen magazine and will chat new things that little girls has until finally she gets intersted on having friends. day by day is not a good day to gain friends eventually it will come. make her become interested in games, freebies, accessories and other teens like. U will see one day she will go home with a smile and will tell you about her new friend. God Bless!

Answer 9

The best thing to recommend to her is to just say hi! A lot of my friends are just people whom I courteously said "Hello!". I can not believe how many friends I sis actually make, most beginning with a simple hello. I know that it works, because it definitely did for me. Also, simply speaking and associating with team mates can help to wipe away any insecurity not only in her social life, but also her sports!