Advise...... please?

Question

Ohkay, so my dad and step mom have been married for a little over three years now, and they've been dating for like 9 years. Me and my sister have always had problems with our step mom, we don't get a long very well. See, my step mom was raised to always clean up after herself, and to do chores without being asked too. (which isn't neccessarily a bad thing). But i wasn't raised like that, nor was my sister. So we have tried pleanty of times to please her, and to do what she asks, but every week, she finds something wrong with me. Her and my dad give us lectures very often on everything we do wrong, and what we should change. At the last lecture, she told me that i took the lazy end of everything, and that she wishes she was my mom, so she could slap me, cause apparently i desperately need it. Lately, things looked like they were starting to get better, until' this little lecture, where she told me that i blamed something on my pop-pop, and so after she said everything, when i went to walk away, i stopped and stood up for myself. I was like "just for the record, i never blamed it on my pop-pop". she COMPLETELY went off on me.

Now that was on the fourth of july, two weeks ago when i was up there, we had another lecture (as usual), and luckily i live with my mom, but what pisses me and my sister off more than anything, is how they assume they know what goes on @ my dads house, and they tell ME what I think, and they tell me what I SHOULD think, which really pisses me off.

So stuff like this has been going on for awhile now, but this past week, i've noticed that my dads changed. He's not acting the same, he's meaner, and I really don't like it. He's acting more like my step mom, and it's really start to upset me to the point that i don't know if it's worth going up there anymore. I do admite, i can be rude, and that i shouldn't talk back to my parents no matter that their saying, but it's just so frustrating listening to all the **** they say. And if i want to have a conversation with my dad on the phone, cause i call him a lot, every single word gets back to my step mom, because she HAS to know.

Could someone just please tell me what i could do about this situation? Sorry the detail is so long, i just wanted to give you a feel for what i deal with.

Answer 1

Step-mom sounds like she's jealous,. over your relationship with dad, and over your mom... because mom had dad before she did. Which is a shame. But at the same time, you admit you do have a mouth on ya, and say things you shouldn't. For that,I would suggest nipping it in the bud. Parents are to be respected, not back talked. When they start getting to ya, to where you feel like ya just HAVE to say something.. stop. Remind yourself that without mom and dad there would be no you!

Take yourself a mental time out.. count, do whatever to cool off, and then try talking to them civilly, not smart mouthing, or arguing.

Now as for step mom, there's not much ya can do about her, she's from a different time, a different up bringing than your own. You can try explaining to her nicely, that she'll get further with you if she isn't always so critical and cuts you some slack from time to time. Tell her that because your dad married her, you are how family but it's hard to treat her as such, and give her the respect she wants, because she's not showing much respect to you. Dads actions are probably because he's angry that there's so much trouble between you and the new wife, he's probably at his wits end with the whole mess. But ya do need to talk to him about it. Again, in a nice, polite manner. Tell him how he makes you feel when he always sides with her, how hard it is to keep your cool when it seems he's always going to go right along with what she says, without at least seeing whats going on with you that's causing the disagreements.

Her threatening or saying she wished she could slap you was way over the limit, dad does need to know she's going to far, point it out to him calmly, tell him that slapping isn't something he or your mom has done, and it isn't right to feel intimidated by step mom. As long as ya do this in a respectful way, you'll get the results you need.

If things don't change, it might be time to take a break from dads for awhile. Stay home with mom, and give dad and step-mom some space to clear out their own issues, while you do the same. Just be sure to keep in contact with dad, and if he happens to ask why you're not coming over, just tell him you felt everyone needed a break from each other.. that the fussing and lecturing all the time is getting to you. It may just be the thing it takes to get him to lay some rules down to new wife as to what she can and can't say to you.  

Answer 2

wow your step mother is my brother in a nutshell Im sorry I realy dont have any usefull advice cause Im in the same boat but just try to explain things to make her listen to you and try to tell her that your not trying to make her mad and try to tell her that your not used to what she expects out of you and that its not your fault or her fault its just the way you were raised and just try to get to know her and try to get along with her I hope this helps

Answer 3

My best friend is in the same EXACT position. She has a little sister like you and she lives with her mom and her dad married and has changed greatly. But on to my advice. I'm going off of what my friend does. She stays at her moms house during the year and then in the summer she goes for a week to her dads house (and actually she doesn't go to her dads house anymore her sister does. When he comes to pick up her sister he has his "special day" with her where they go to a movie and go out to eat without her stepmom. then he heads back home with her sister and her sister stays with him for half the summer.) I don't know if this helps you, but it usually helps me when i hear other peoples stories and how they deal with it. Her dad loves her very much its just that they can't spend that much time together anymore because she can't stand him.

Answer 4

It's really not fair, the way parents just decide to go their own way and form new families. Then they expect the kids to just deal with the fallout. There does seem to be a difference in family culture there, as you acknowledged with your comment about the way your step-mom was raised. The "I wish I were the Mom" comment was a little much, but I'm sure what she meant was that she could have passed her way of living on to you.

The fact is, though, that you don't do things just like she does. Maybe you could sit down with her and acknowledge that fact. Then make an agreement that you'll try harder to do things as she would like them done, if she'll try to cut you a bit of slack.

I know this seems like petty stuff to you. But, if it's important to her, you should at least try. Once you're grown, this won't be so big an issue. I'll bet you'll get along a lot better then.

Answer 5

I'm a step-mom and it kills me that your step-mom would talk to you that way.

My best advice would be to tell your dad, honestly, how you feel about how your relationship *with him* is changing and that you miss how things used to be.  My step-daughters said something similar to my husband and it prompted him to spend some one-on-one time with his girls.  Which you need.  SHe does not always have to be part of the picture.

Also ask him to help you get along better with SM.  He'll see that as an attempt from you to make things better.  She may not be willing to change but maybe your dad can ask her to try to meet you half-way.  Yelling at you is not going to make you want to get along better with her - which I'm sure you know.

She sounds like someone who thinks her way is the only way which is very difficult to live with when blending families.

Answer 6

I would tell my dad how you feel and say look you are my dad first not her husband first and my dad second. I talk to you in secret tell him that he has been someone you can talk to without having to worry about everything and anything getting around. Tell him everything you've told us if he doesn't like it where will you be right where you are now. Who said you still have to got here anyway.How old are you?and your sister?