After 19 years, my daughters dead beat dad wants to finally be a father, and she's responding.?

Question

can someone help me find some peace of mind? am i wrong for feeling angry. angry at her for reciprocating his attempts at being her father.

Answer 1

It sounds like you're feeling sort of like your daughter's happiness at finally getting to know her dad is almost a betrayal of her relationship with you and all the work you've done with her for so many years.  That's got to be hard to deal with.  But it also sounds like a very human reaction to have.  

This emotion is a kind of jealousy and it won't be healthy for your relationship with your daughter if you let her know how you feel in a negative way.  Find a friend or family member or start a journal to vent to if you need it.  But be supportive of your daughter.  She has a right to know this man who you once thought was pretty cool too.  Then concentrate on your relationship with her, too.  If you can strengthen that then you come out the winner no matter how the relationship with her father turns out.

Hopefully he'll have learned some hard lessons in his 19 year absence.  Hopefully he's a better man now and that's why he's resumed contact.  If he is your daughter wins by knowing him.  If he hasn't then she gets some vital questions answered and has you to turn to for help with the emotional consequences.

Answer 2

You definitely have a right to be annoyed and angry on the situation,but looking at the same from your daughters angle she has a right to know and understand and depend upon her biological father and also as we know opposite sexes attract each other ,provided their relation remains sane I think you should try to control your emotions  

Answer 3

No--you are not wrong, it would be extremely hard to be in your shoes.  Just don't verbalize this too much.  Your daughter has had a life of not knowing her father, and even if she knows he isn't that great of a guy, she has that hole that makes her feel the need to know.  Let her and be supportive for her and tell her you love her and want to help her on this journey.  Don't let her feel bad by expressing your feelings to her--even if Dad says things aobut you.  I promise that your daughter, in the future, will think with an adult  mind and look at you wiht admiration and respect for the difficulty you endured but didn't make her endure.  You are strong and wonderful and let her figure this out no matter how loud you want to scream it at the mountaintops!

Answer 4

Yes you are wrong ... Its her father not yours .... I met my biological father for the first time last year after 20 years ... Her father made a mistake its time to forgive.

Answer 5

You're probably angry because you know what this man is all about.  But she is 19 and an adult and has every right to mend the relationship if she so chooses.  If he's as bad as you think, she'll figure it out by herself.  Harping on her will only push her away from you and she may need your shoulder to cry on later if she sees what you see in this man.  Bite your lip and don't say anything bad about him.

My daughter had what she thought was a close relationship with her uncle who I cannot stand.  I never said anything bad about him.  She was about 12 when she figured out that he's an a*****e.

Answer 6

That must be very difficult for you to swallow.  Even if you were the best mother in the world, no matter how much of yourself you've given, she wants to experience a dad.  If he's changed, great, she'll be happy.  If he hasn't changed, she needs to see it for herself.

Answer 7

It feels lousy to you, for sure. Your feelings are your feelings, so they're not wrong.

But I think you understand that it's probably better for her in the long run if she talks to her father.

It may not amount to anything, but at least there's contact.

It's going to be hard to put aside your negative feelings about her father, and you may also feel some competition - like, he's trying to steal all her feelings for you.

Don't worry - you and your daughter spent your lives together and his coming into the picture can't change that. Remember that this may just be a temporary thing and he may get bored and walk away again. Then she'll need you again to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry you feel both mad, and mad at yourself for being mad %-P I do wish you peace of mind. Keep in mind what's best for her and what will make her happy, if you can.

Answer 8

Maybe this is what  she has always wonted to finally have a father that cares.To actually be a father to her. this is like a family feeling she has always wonted in her life.Now you probley know lots of bad things he has done in the past that is upsitting to you.And a lot of that is whats bothing you now.She is looking past that now.Her dreams of being a happy family has came true she has forgiving him for every thing he has done in the past.She needs your support.And to see if he really has changed or not.If not then she will need you even more than ever.Just let her go do what she thinks is right and stand by her every step.

Answer 9

No, you have a right to feel angry! he was a deadbeat..but he could have had personal reasons that prevented him from being a father.His loss really.

I wouldn't try to prevent the contact though as she is an adult.Just talk to her and let her know not to be too trusting because there is always a chance that he could pick up and leave again.

Answer 10

No I think you have a right to be mad after all these years and then he wants to act like a dad, i mean seriously what kind of "father" is that? I know how it feels not to have a dad because mine is a dead beat too. She might just want to get to know him, i know I want a dad but im not going to forgive my dad no matter. But if she really wants to get to know him let her, it hurts to be dadless