After 8 years, my ex confessed she had a miscarriage where she lost my baby.?

Question

Last night, I received a message from my ex where she confessed why she ended the relation with me. She had found out she was pregnant, but hadn't told me, yet. One day, she had a really bad discussion with her father that ended up in her having a miscarriage. She became so angry and desperate that she went into depression and shunned everything she loved and cared for, including me. At the time I tried to get back with her over and over, but she kept saying she wouldn't go back with me, and started going out with other people. She never gave me an explanation, and I ended up with no answer as to why she did things that way. I grew very sad, and depressed because of that, and stopped trying to contact her at all. 5 years passed, by then I was trying to get my life together again, after all she had been the love of my life. Then, I met another girl, who made me happy and was loving, and caring and tender and I fell totally in love with her. I am now married to this girl, and will never betray her for any reason.

But, now my ex found my Myspace account and after a couple messages she confessed me this. I now feel very bad about my ex, and can't cope with finding out all of this. What should i tell her? Should I let her be my friend, and keep it that way? Or simply tell her to go away? Nothing she does or says now will make me change what I feel for my wife, that's for sure, but I'm afraid my wife will not understand this. Am I opening myself to more pain, and guilt and remorse by allowing my ex to be able to message me and possibly become a friend?

I need help.

Answer 1

You have no way to know for sure that what she's saying is what really happened.  That may not have happened at all.  The fact that she started seeing other people (but not you) says that she wasn't too depressed to be in a relationship, but at that time she just didn't want to be with you.  There's a really good possibility that your ex is only saying these things now because she is aware that you are no longer pining for her, and have found someone else to focus your affections on.  At the time when things ended, you were so in love and wanted her so much, that you continued to pursue her and beg her to come back. And she is probably feeling a lot of jealousy now that she is lonely and sees that she is no longer your obsession.  And she could be feeling a lot of regret because she let you go, but never found what she wanted.  And now she's remembering how good it felt to have someone want her so badly.

You really don't know that her story is what actually happened, it could just be something she came up with in order to explain why she acted the way she did, without making her look bad.  And whether the story is true or not, she is using it to play on your emotions to get you to reconnect with her.  This will only cause problems in your marriage.  It will make your wife feel insecure, which you should be able to understand (what if she wanted to be friends with a man that was "the love of her life", that she tried for years to get back together with?).

If you allow this woman back into your life, on any level, it will bring back a lot of pain, and a lot of old feelings, that will inevitably put strain on the relationship you have with your wife.  It would be a huge mistake, and I hope you'll tell this woman that you're sorry for what happened to her, and there are no hard feelings, but you've moved on with your life and you can't continue to talk to her.  And stick to it.

After all, this woman hurt you badly, for reasons you can never be sure of.  She gave you much less than you deserved.  Compare that to what your wife has given you.  As you said, your wife has loved you and been wonderful to you.  Your wife does not deserve to be hurt, and this situation will end up doing just that.  Do not allow someone from your past to hurt your wife, and damage (or end) your marriage.

Answer 2

Be TOTALLY honest with your wife from the start and things should be fine with her - as for the ex - explain to her that back then you could have tried to help as you lost someone too. Tell her thank you for being honest and now you are able to finally close that chapter in your life as you have started to move on.  Personally, I would not maintain the friendship as it may start to conflict with your now life.  And hopefully you will help her close that chapter as well.

Answer 3

Let her know there are no hard feelings and you understand but you are a married man and out of respect for your wife you simply cant be friends but you appreciate the closer. Now on a personal level I think this story is bull. I think she wanted to go out with other guys as you said she did and left it open with you because she is a coward and couldn't face you. Now after all this time she is lonely and probably either in a bad relationship or none at all and saw you on my space and concocted this story so she doesn't look bad for leaving so she can get back with you now that she knows what she missed out on. Leave this woman behind.

Answer 4

No, do not remain friends with her.  It will only cause a strain on your current relationship.

Answer 5

Let it go...close your account because this sound like it can get really ugly...u have a new love in your life now...lets focus on making her happy....your ex had her chance...she was selfish back then with not being honest and now she seems lonely....and how do u know she's not lying...that this isnt some trick she's trying 2 pull 2 get u back...none of its worth it...let it go....

Answer 6

oh sweety, you weren't to know and you did the best you could at the time. your wife will understand that :) and the past is the past and everyone has one. but this smells of trouble i don't think it is a good idea to have her enter your life again..

a) it might cause some temptation and regret on ur part.

b) it may be damaging to your relationship with your wife

c) it isn't healthy for her or you to hang on to the past

* she has told you and it is something she has wanted to say for years, email her back saying wow i didn't understand at the time, thank you for telling me, i hope you are now well and happy. and leave it at that. i think getting involved at this time could be really damaging my instincts are saying not to go there.

i hope this helped.  

Answer 7

Be careful.  Answer the ex politely that you are so sorry this happened to her at that particular time.  Explain that you too had a difficult period but have now moved on and are happily married, wish her all the best and that's that.  Dont answer any more of her contacts.. But, past is past, close the door.  Dont let the ex come into your life.  It will probably cause your wife some insecurity and jealousy, thats normal, and you dont want to do anything that will upset your wife or your current relationship.  

Answer 8

If I were your new wife, I'd be hurt to know there was secret communication between the two of you.  I think you need to tell your wife that your ex contacted you on myspace and that you have blocked her.  I don't think you owe your ex wife anything.  Your loyalty should be to your new wife now.

Answer 9

past is past, needs to be forgotten as its the present u live in, besides u have not seen the future.

So, enjoy yr present and shun ur ex away into oblivion.

Thanks.

Answer 10

What was her motivation for telling you now, five years later?

I wouldn't correspond in any way whatsoever. The entire situation is over, you've healed and moved on. No good could come of a friendship with the ex.

Answer 11

hi

you just avoid your ex wife.you are having a loving and caring wife dont mess your life.without your  present wife `s knowledge dont talk or be friend with your ex wife ,if your present wife had found this it will be a big painful problem.just avoid your ex wife and live your life happily with your future wife.all the best

Answer 12

There is nothing you can do, its over. Just give her a sincerely apology and move on.

You don't want to complicate things, if you get to involved it could very easily be taken out of context.

Answer 13

she's probably lying about this and trying to ruin what you have now. don't jeopardize your marriage. this chick sounds like bipolar to me, believe me. stay away and tell your wife so that she doesn't later find out and will be problems between the 2 of you

Answer 14

It is too late. You have a responsibility. close your space and keep away.

take your wife to dinner and get her flowers. Why say I told you so.

Answer 15

u did nothing wrong....so move on....u should delete all c**p like myspace/facebook/hi5 etc....when ur married cause u will never know who may contact u..u dont need problems...y do u have myspace..ur married? u dont need it....its not fair for ur wife to talk to ur ex....b friends with her? no not at all...just tell ur ex that ur happy married man now...and delete ur myspace and any other single websites that u may have for d sake of marriage.....

Answer 16

Yes, you are opening yourself to more pain.  Simply tell her to go away; it's best for you, your wife, and your ex (who should be getting on with her life too.

It's a good thing that she told you what happened.  Now you don't have to wonder anymore what went wrong.  But that should be the end of it.  What she told you is the resolution to the story.  The end.

Answer 17

Keep your distance.  She is your ex. A very sad thing happened to her but she did not tell you earlier what was going on and you are married now. You have to honor that commitment now and by her telling you what happened, you can't think about the what ifs but the now. She had a chance, give your wife a chance. It's been 5 years not 5 months. Live your life, say hello on myspace and tell your wife what happened. Good luck.

Answer 18

I would be a friend to her.  A miscarridge is something that stays wiv you forever trust me i have had 1 myself i know how it feels to lose a baby.

She shouldent have kept it from you though and told you years later.

I would stay frineds wiv your ex.  But makesure your wife knows.  U dont want to upset her and start sneaking round speaking wiv your ex.  I know i wouldent like it.