After considering givng up a child for adoption and deciding that it was NOT the right decision in your case?

Question

were you ever made to feel guilty by friends/family because "that child could have made some poor couple out there who was unable to have children so much happier"? How did you cope? Why can't the decision you made be just that.. YOURS?

Answer 1

OMG.... you need some new friends / family.

I'll have to stop there. I am swearing like a sailor.

Answer 2

It is 100% your decision...I'm sure it's hard but try to ignore their comments...it's your life and your baby.  Congratulations!

Answer 3

The decision is 100% yours to make, no one should make you feel guilty about it.

On a personal note, my wife and I are hopefully going to adopting soon, When we do we will always be grateful to the birth mother for the sacrifice she made.

gw

Answer 4

I'm lucky that my family is supportive in whatever I do.  I actually had quite the opposite reaction from my family when I placed my fourth child for adoption.  They were very emotionally distraught about it, but came to understand it was my decision, one I was proud of and one I could live with.  I say that if your family is trying to tell you what to do with YOUR children you need to kindly tell them to BUTT OUT.  YOU have to live with these decisions, not them, and until they are in your shoes they have no right to pass judgement.  Congratulations on the twins!!

Answer 5

for many years after changing my mind to place my son, i felt a tremendous amount of guilt.  especially when times got a little tough and money, a bit tight.

what i think really wigged me out were the rogue tactics of the adoption agency to convince me that my role was strictly that of breeder, and not mother.  i was encouraged not to parent, told that anything i thought i could provide would be substandard, compared to another couple, that my decision to parent was "hormonal" and that i need counseling to help me work though my issues; and that i was the "last" chance for the paps to have a child.

i was also told by the adoption agency that i could be reported to CPS because i reported having no income other than my scholarship for college and medicaid; and they feared that i was unable to properly care for my child. so yeah, i felt quite quilty for a long time.

i later got over it though...

i totally agree that my role was not to fix someone's infertility nor make another couple happy; yet to parent my son. end of story.  

although i'm now speaking through the lens of a more empowered 36 yo woman; i still remember the shame and guilt that was at the core of my compulsions to ensure that my son was always immaculate, never cried in public or never asked for anything to eat. i always carried extra clothing, food, juice, toys et al. just so that if he got dirty, i could immediately run and clean him, or if he looked at someone with food (even if he'd just eaten) i'd pull out snacks to show people that he wasn't neglected... btw, these are things that ALL kids do, but i was afraid that these typical behaviors would result in my kid being taken away. so yeah...lots of guilt and fear. it wasn't until my partner told me that, "you are a good mother, and nobody is taking this boy from you", that the fog started to lift.

although i do acknowledge that the decision was all mine, it's was difficult to live believing that my every move will be scrutinized and my kid might be taken away just because--in the minds of some--i reneged on an agreement.

great question.

Answer 6

Fer sure you need new friends and support if the creps are trying to guilt you for keeping your flesh and blood.  

FREAKS

congrats on your mommyhood

Answer 7

some ppl are so sick! they must think babies are like puppies to be adopted out. to make someone happy? what about your happyness? are you not a person too who would like to be happy? i think know how you feel.

Answer 8

Unfortunately people feel that they have a right to interfere and push their beliefs onto others.  The best thing to do is try to ignore them.  I know that personally I wouldn't be able to ignore such comments and I would have to say something back.  To keep it from getting hostile or confrontational, you could try:   "I made the decision I thought best.  I don't appreciate your comments.  I won't talk about it anymore."  And then don't.   I hope it gets better for you.

Answer 9

It's not your responsibility or your child's responsibility to make some poor couple unable to have children happy.  I can't believe people try to guilt mothers this way, what a nerve

You will have your hands full while their young, but think about the lovely family you're going to have - just wonderful.  Cherish them, all of them

Answer 10

As an adoptive mother of two wonderful boys, I am telling you - don't feel guilty (probably easier said than done).  Would you or could you have made another couple happy?  Certainly...but guess what?  That is not your responsibity!  I am very grateful to our birthmother and would have supported her if she would have decided to parent.  You need to do what is right for you and for your child and you are the only one who knows what that is.

Answer 11

Don't let anyone tell you what to do with your life

Answer 12

I was never in this situation, but I know people who have been.  Some of them were bombarded with guilt trips.  One was even hounded by the adoption agency trying to get her to relinquish.

No one owes anyone else their own flesh and blood, period!  This is your CHILD, for crying out loud.  Your child -- your decision.  If these people are your friends, I agree with the other poster who said you need a new set of friends.  I know you can't change your family members, but at least avoid/tune them out as much as possible while you go through this.

Answer 13

Typically families will encourage the young mother to keep her baby.  However, she should be thinking what is in the best interests of the child.  

How can a single YOUNG mother properly raise a child?  Sure, the choice it hers but I think if she keeps the baby she is being selfish and only thinking of herself!

If my daughter had been in this situation, we would have encouraged her to put the baby up for adoption!

Answer 14

Don't listen to them.

Your children may never know the reality of almost being adopted out - but if they knew - they'd be forever thankful that you kept them.

(I've missed my mum for 38 years - and counting)

What's best for babes - is to stay with their mums.

It is not up to any expectant mother to make a prospective adoptive mother's happiness. It's not your problem.

Tell them all to butt out.

I wish you and your children all the very best.

Answer 15

if you want the baby you shouldn't feel guilty for keeping it.

Answer 16

It is your decision and none of their business, quite frankly.  And, if this helps any, I'll tell you about me.  And you can tell them, if ya want.  

I was placed for adoption so I could make some poor couple happier because they couldn't have kids.  And guess what!  I was badly abused by my adoptive mother, father, and much older brother.  It took years of therapy to cope with what happened to me.

You, obviously, love your children!  That speaks volumes!  Tell the friends/family to "butt out!"

Answer 17

No I was never made to feel guilty because I didn't make that decision. I was told I should be ashamed of myself for even considering putting the children up for adoption in the first place.

When I got pregnant with my twins, their dad flew the coop pretty fast....he wasn't ready for kids and he ran (like the chicken rat bast*rd he is) He wanted to come back and be a *father* about two weeks before they were born and I caved.

I seriously considered putting them up for adoption...I had researched agencies in the area, had a few appointments with agencies and had finally decided on one to utilize. I met with them three times, and was just about to start looking at potential adoptive families for the twins when he came back and convinced me that he was ready and was going to be committed to them FOREVER.

They are 12 now (as of last week) and he is in their life when its convenient for him.

Having been adopted myself...it was a VERY difficult decision to make, to put them up for adoption.....VERY....

Even though him and I didn't work out, I am thankful that I chose to raise them myself....I would be lost without all three of my kids in my life (although sometimes the oldest one really gets on my last nerve LOL :)