After he lies about the last Bachelor party, is then next one ok?

Question

I'm getting married in 2 months. We have been together for almost 5 years. 4 years ago his best friend got married and he was the best man. I understand that as a best man you have to do whatever the groom wants. It's his bag day. I wasn't happy with the strip club scene knowing my fiance had a history with them, but my finace was nice enough to talk to me through things and PROMISED that if it bothered me that much than he would be respectful enough to not get a lap dance. I was impressed! The party came and he did not keep his promise. I was upset, but we worked through it. A couple months ago he revealed to me that quite a bit more happened that night that he never told me about. The other guys there.. who want to take him to Canada for a weekend of fun for his bachelor party... had naked women waiting for them back at the house after his best friends bachelor party. He says nothing happened but he drank so much that night he doesn't remember. It took him 4 years to tell me the truth and now I am terrified he will be going to another country with the same guys and lie to me again. He has never given me a reason not to trust him... except for this... He tells me that he will tell everyone he can't go because I won't "let" him have a bachelor party.. which is just silly... he can have one.. I just don't trust him around strippers and his friends who bring them home. First time shame on him, second time shame on me right? This is like giant red flag before I get married and I don't know what to do!

Answer 1

That was four years ago, when you were just dating. He wants to marry you NOW. He's being straight with you NOW.

If he really wants to make you happy, he can have all kinds of bachelor parties that don't involve strippers and hookers(there is a difference). There's all kinds of things that can be wild and fun that don't involve sleaze. It's up to him to put his foot down with his friends. Telling them that you won't "let" him will just cause them to resent you. He needs to be honest all of the way around. There was a similar question I just answered today. I recommended that they go to Vegas, to a club called The Fourty Deuce(real burlesque dancers, no lap-dancing). They could make it a real Sinatra Weekend, light on the "Sin"; hot suits, martinis, Cuban cigars, renting a classic convertible to cruise the Strip, going to see that Jersey Boys show at The Palazzo. The girls could go too, in a separate group, with hot fifties-style garb and stilletto heels. You could meet up at The Fourty Deuce, and separate later if you needed to. Dancing, carousing, ad cruising The Strip. Pretend that you're single and just meeting each other for the first time. You could even get your marriage license ahead of time, and fake a drunken quickie-wedding in the middle of the night, be legally married, but still have the formal ceremony later.

Answer 2

Well strippers and naked girls are one thing.  If he keeps his hands to himself and doesn't drink to much he remembers and can control his actions the it should be ok!

Answer 3

Okay, this part is pretty lame: "He tells me that he will tell everyone he can't go because I won't "let" him have a bachelor party.. "  Your fiance needs to speak for himself, tell his friends that he f**ed up at the last bachelor party, and that he doesn't want to ruin his marriage before it even starts.  He can also tell them that he'd really enjoy a guys' poker night, or something a little more mellow and appropriate.  HE needs to do the telling, not making it out to be your fault.

Answer 4

If you don't trust him then that's not a "what do I do about the Bachelor party" problem, it's a "what do I do about this wedding" problem. If he had problems and doesn't any more then trust him on that. If he still has problems and acknowledges them, then he shouldn't be upset if you're trying to remind him what he has problems with. If he isn't acknowledging that he still has problems then you need to get out of there.

As a grownup he should be able to pick his own friends and know where his limits are. If he isn't able to/doesn't know, then he's not ready to get married. Just because he wasn't necessarily ready 4 years ago (and he says he didn't do anything, so it sounds like he's more mature than his friends), doesn't mean that he hasn't taken the time in between to grow up.

Answer 5

Your FI needs to be able to stand up to his friends & tell them HE does not want that at his bachelor party.  I would be incredibly hesitant to marry a man who couldn't stand up to his friends - imagine what else in life he would be able to stand up against!

Not to mention the lying & possible cheating.  I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts your FI absolutely remembers what happened that night.  But I'll bet if you really listened to your intuition, you know what really happened (& most likely will happen again).

Answer 6

Hmm, me personally would never tolerate him leaving the country to have a "bachelor party." Sounds more like spring break. Talk to him, my fiance knows how i feel about strippers and agreed they wont be at his bachelor party. See what he says, tell him how you feel.  

Answer 7

exactly who is more important his friends or his lover ugh i hate any guys friends haven't you noticed there are only problems when his friends are involved seriously i hate it.

Answer 8

Okay so you're telling us that 1. he drinks himself into a state of oblivion (a definite sign of immaturity and irresponsibility), 2. He has a "history" of strip clubs, lap dancers and nude women (could he have a s*x addiction) 3. he has lied to you before and only now is 'fessing up (so he admits he's a liar) 4. he wants to shift responsibility to YOU (he has no 'balls" regarding his drinking pals so you KNOW FOR SURE he wouldn't stop doing anything they plan) 5. you've been shacked up with him for over 4 years (he has everything he wants/needs)  6. he doesn't keep promises to YOU, the person he supposedly loves. (What about the marriage promise/vows?) Hmmmn... are you reading your own question? I think maybe you have already told yourself that this is shaky ground and, yes, shame on you. The guy is too immature to commit to a marriage. You have been a doormat for almost 5 years and he knows for certain that you will believe anything just to get the wedding ring on your finger. Time to cut your losses, hon, and kick him to the curb. I wonder how strong he would be with his low-class pals if you called off the wedding. If it shakes him up enough to grow up and set his own guidelines for the stag, and if he stands firm and takes the responsibility himself, then, MAYBE he is growing up. If you keep the status quo, keep believng his excuses (they are excuses, not valid reasons), and keep closing your eyes to his poor choice of friends, you are heading for tears, heartache and divorce down the road. Giant red flags pop up when there is danger ahead.Be strong. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why any man who professes LOVE would disrespect you so much, so often. Better to be alone for awhile than to have people whisper and talk behind your back and then say "I told you so" after you've had your heart broken. A wedding is just a party. A marriage is a commitment in front of God. Which one are you planning?

Answer 9

Well, it seems you both have different views about strippers. The rule should be hands to himself always. My fiance and I both know that our party members want to take us out for strippers, something we both are against. So instead, we're having our party in Vegas as a joint party where we can take the younger party members (except the two 17 year olds) and we can enjoy our selves. And to keep our friends from doing the stripper thing (especially my maid of honor) my fiance and I are going to be staying together in the same hotel room for our wedding! LOL! (I have some really messed up crazy wild friends!)

Answer 10

just trust him and everything going be ok that is the love of you life if he cheated be different but he love you and you love him and soon you will become one please dont losing your love over foolish just trust bask god to show you and leave you the way no matter what you going through god will be there when ever you need him and love you and everything will be ok