After the break up/Separation- Picking up the pieces...getting back together?

Question

Hi everyone...

My husband and I have been married 4 years and have a 2 yr old son. He has 3 other kids (older than my son)

We have been separated for over a year now- this was due to infidelity and a couple other issues. I also contributed to our separation in one way or the other so I am not blaming it on him- we agreed that it would be best for us to be apart.

Anyway...just recently, he called me out of the blue and said that he wants his marriage back- he wants us to be a family again. I was numb for a while because I didn't know what to say- OK here we are, have been apart for forever, and all of a sudden you call and want to come back NOW...TODAY! Like nothing ever happened.....

What should I do? First of all I am concerned that he may be wanting to come back because the mothers of his 3 kids (there are two women involved- one has 2, and the other has 1) recently filed child support on him...and are pretty much going to take 90% of his wages, no to mention if I go ahead and file also, he will be left with nothing...

So whereas part of me gives him the benefit of the doubt, that perhaps he is genuine, has changed, and REALLY wants to make this work- I can't help but wonder if he just feels like making his marriage would be a strategic move financially- considering that he won't have any money left over for him- mark you, all these kids are under 11! So that is a cool 20+ yrs of child support altogether, of child support-

I am concerned that if we get back together- our marriage is going to be financially strained and I am going to have to carry the weight for most of my life. I am not even 30 and I just feel like this is going to be too much.

What would you do? Is he using me as a scapegoat? Would you get back with him if you thought he was trying to make things work just to have one less child support claim on him?

Thank you and I look forward to your answers. I am kinda stressed out about it. Its been a while, and here he is opening up old wounds....just too much!

All opinions welcome!

Answer 1

I can tell you are a very intelegent woman. Look into the patterns of why he and the other women broke up. did he completely turn around and say lets forget everything i wanna come back now? like he's in a rush? .... I would test him. Say ok we can maybe start dating again but for the time we are dating you still have to pay me child support. If he says ok no problem then you know he is really wanting to come back for you out of love. If he's like WHY??? and starts to make a big fuss then you know its for the money. Good luck!

Answer 2

Go with your gut feeling....sounds like you know what to do, but for some reason are second guessing urself.  Dont let him back into your life unless u really want to, but...from reading what u typed...i dont think that is what u want.  I wish u the best of luck.

Answer 3

Hi!  In reading through that, one thing struck me:  Your head is telling you one thing, and your heart is tugging in another direction.  Based on what you've said, I'd suggest listening to your head :)

It's always tempting to remember those early days of a relationship, but force yourself when this happens to jumpstart your brain to the later days of the relationship.

Regardless of other issues, this guy has proven that he doesn't understand commitment and responsibility, whether it's an issue of keeping it zipped, or being responsible for kids he brought into the world.

You're smart to distrust his motives, simply because he's already proven by his actions that they're not trustworthy.  

Focus on the good things in your life, including your son, and let him clean up his own messes.  It sounds like there's quite a few of them.

Answer 4

If you had to second guess taking him back and you feel like he willusing you....don't do it.  You can take care you, and struggle by yourself and be by yourself.  You are too young to be wrapped up in his financial issues.   I understand you love him, but love doesn't make a relationship work.  You have to trust, respect and be there for one another, and it doesn't seem like you to have that together.

Answer 5

I would put your feelings aside ....

Your first gut feeling is usually right.

If you are even considering getting back with the cheater,

I would suggest that he moves into a studio apartment, and you two date again, and go to marriage counseling for  6 months- a year.

This way you are working towards building a healthy relationship, and you can see how much effort he is willing to put in .

don't let him move back in until you complete this marriage counseling

when a spouse cheats on the other spouse, usually the cheating spouse will continue to cheat (because they think they can always get away with it) meaning the other spouse will always take the cheater back