After voicing my concerns with my husband, he allowed his mother to buy it for my daughter. What can I do?

Question

I don't want a walker for my daughter. They don't help babies to walk. They don't strenghten the legs and hips. The American Academy of Pediatrics says not to use a walker. I trust a book that my Pediatrician gave me to be full of knowledge and correct. Now my MIL bought my daughter a walker. She's probably coming over this weekend to give it to her. I don't want her having it. It's dangerous and unnecessary. What can I do? My husband said, "Stop talking about it, it was free, who cares?" That's not the point, the point is that I don't want my daughter having it and I'm her parent. Someone needs to step up to this "know it all" mother in law of mine and tell her that the parents are the ones who have the say in the matter! What can I do when she brings it over? Some say return it, but then it'll make me look bad, plus my husband wants her to have it!

Answer 1

Before you deal with MIL, you need to deal with DH :)

Have you straight out said "a walker will DELAY normal muscle control and mental development?"

He might believe that injuries won't be an issue because yuou will be super careful, but how can he argue with the fact that even when used properly these things slow normal development???

Seriously, look him in the eye and in a nice voice, say "if you knew something would impair our daughter's ability to walk and slow her mental development, would you let her use it?"

If he insists that because it is free then why not, ask him if you would let your daughter sleep in an old crib painted with lead paint if it were free...at least you could make an argument for needing a crib (albeit not a good one in this case.)

Just because something is free does not mean it is good for your child.

Print this out and highlight the part about delays http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Walkers.h...

Here is an article whick explains more about how it delays physical and mental development:

http://www.americanchiropractic.net/gene...

*****PRINT THIS ONE FOR SURE :Here is another way of explaining it and why they delay muscle control:

http://www.drgreene.com/21_810.html

Here is a list of studies about walkers having a negative effect on walking and development:http://www.icpa4kids.org/research/childr...

Bottom line: your mil is trying to do something good for your child, but her information is outdated. Your DH may have used one and he's okay, right? :)  If you haven't already, I would gently tell her that a walker will slow your child's development. Take it from a "gee, they look like they would help---but they really don't. can you believe it? If she wants to see some info don't overwhelm her (overwhelm dad!) but give her the Dr Greene article.

I know it is upsetting that she is acting like she knows more than you, but try to keep the peace. If you can diplomatically share this info with her, she may start to realize that you DO have a clue.

Good luck.

PS if she drops it off it doesn't mean you have to use it :)

Answer 2

maybe your MIL is not trying to be a know it all...maybe your husband doesn't have the b@lls to tell him mommy that you are not going to be using a walker for the baby.  I would suggest to her an item that you can really use...maybe a "johnny jumper"....if that's what they are called now.  Nothing will be resolved if you don't speak up....if your husband has no b@lls, show him yours.

Answer 3

don't put her in it.  Then tell them no matter what you do, she just cries when she's in it.  That should do it lol

Answer 4

I wasn't going to use one either...but my daughter wanted to get in the one at the daycare so bad I finally gave in. She was soooo happy....hopped like a little frog all the way across the floor. She loved that she could get to where she wanted to go faster. I had scary thoughts of that thing tipping over she breaking her neck...but she handled it like a pro. I wouldn't have one on the second floor of a home, on carpet, or let her go from room to room if there are thresholds between the rooms. Other than that, they aren't that dangerous. Its usually the case that children aren't supervised properly is when most accidents happen..but people don't want to admit that.

Answer 5

Since you are both the parents I think that you need to really come to some compromise on this.  I had 4 children all using a walker.  No one was every hurt while using it.  I do understand you feelings on this.  Is this something that maybe you could allow the child to use only when daddy and grandma are around for a short time?

By the way please relax and don't rely on books on how to raise your children. I am sure that your mother inlaw could find a book that will say walkers are great for babies.

This is really  not something that should be causing such debate with you and your husband or mother in-law.

Answer 6

Does your husband really want her to have the walker or is he just interested in getting along with his mother. I think the latter but I'm not sure. I think you should show the information from the AAP to your mother in law and tell her thank you very much but you have to follow the doctors recommendation for your child. This may upset her and your husband. To resolve this I think that you and your husband need to have a serious non emotional conversation about what the real issues are in this situation (Is it really about the walker?) and about how both of you can get your needs met.  If it's about one of you winning and the other losing you both will be losing.

Answer 7

Well, the real issue her isn't the walker... you know that, right?  It's about your husband not standing up for you and not being a partner but instead undermining your relationship and being intimidated by his own mother.  

Looks like you will have to be the 'someone' to stand up to your MIL.  You can do it nicely and say I'm sorry, it is just my thing, I do not want her to use a walker, I feel uncomfortable with it.  No other excuse is necessary.   How can that make you look bad?  You are stating how you feel.  

You could accept it but believe me, this will be just the first of many things that she may attempt to buy for your daughter that you don't want her to have.  I think you need to put your foot down now.

Answer 8

I would talk to her before she tries to give it to you and just explain to her why you do not want her to have a walker and she would be just wasting her money but if she really wanted to get your daughter something tell her what your daughter can use instead. My mil tried something similiar with my first daughter. My husband told her that we had bought her christening gown and showed it to her. The next day she went out and bought this ugly thing that she claims was a christening gown  for her to wear. Luckily my husband was home when she tried to give it to us he told her if she left it he was going to sell it on ebay.....and we did.

Answer 9

This is definitely a tough situation. To keep the peace or keep it simple then you might have to compromise. Is it really bad for children or just not recommended?  

Another option to consider is counseling.

Or just try talking to your husband and telling him how you feel and what you need from him. If he really loves and cares about you then he should be willing to listen and do something about his seemingly overbearing mother.

I hate know it alls because nobody does know it all. Intelligent people know this. Smart people do too.

Answer 10

Tell her you appreciate it but have discussed it with your doctor and plan to listen to what he has to say on the matter, therefore you will not be able to use it. BE sure and thank her anyway.

Answer 11

I would graciously take it.  Then as soon as she leaves, put it in a closet somewhere.  When she visits get it out and let your daughter sit in it.  As soon as she leaves put it up again.  Pretty soon she will have outgrown it and you can sell it at a yard sale.  No harm.  Your MIL is happy and there is not a huge war over it.  If your hubby throws a fit, let your daughter use it for just a little bit when he is around.  It won't hurt your daughter to use it a little bit as long as she is supervised.

Answer 12

Stand your ground. Gather all your research and present it to them. They need to understand your reason. They probably only wants whats best for your daughter just as you do, but they do not have all the facts that you do. So in their minds they are actually helping her you need to show them other peoples stories or facts of how much better she will be without it. You should also understand why they feel she might need it ask them to explain their reasons. Books aren't always right. I'd rely more on other families personal experiences

Answer 13

So say thank you and put it in the closet. Who says you have to use it? I used walkers with my 3, and will use one with our 4th. I love the things. Since you don't, then store it. If you can't tell her no, then deal with gifts you don't like. As a parent you'll be dealing with unwanted gifts until the kid leaves home. You might as well learn now how to gracefully accept something if the person buys it knowing you disapprove.

Answer 14

Since your husband isn't backing you up, you're going to have to make it clear, in front of BOTH of them... Don't say anything else to hubby, between now and then, but, when mom-in-law shows up with the walker, tell her---with husband present---that you don't want it; that you disagree with it, completely... Hubby will probably be embarrassed and annoyed, but, hey... you asked him for back-up, and he refused; you had to deal with this on your own... Mom-in-law will be offended, and will probably protest, but stand firm!! If you cave, now, she will do this for the rest of your life. (And, it will also send a message to your husband that it may be better for HIM to talk with her, rather that you.) Good luck!

Answer 15

Be honest with your MIL, tell her thanks but no thanks, that you won't be using it. explain to her that your doctor gave you a book from the AAP and a walker does not help to strenghten the legs and hips, be nice about it and then it will be up to her. You are the mom   good luck

Answer 16

i like ''loving life'' answer.

Answer 17

Accept the walker.  It's not worth contradicting your husband and causing a big fight.

Use the walker as a swing substitute.  I have a walker, but my children do not walk in it.  I use it once they can no longer sit in a bouncy chair (due to trying to sit up themselves).  Just set it high enough that only their toes touch the ground (or nothing at all).  Then they just sit there, instead of walking.  My children have loved that in the 6-12 month range.

Answer 18

As you already know, walkers aren't recommended, not necessary.

Unfortunately, since your husband is not at all taking your concerns into consideration, it's now up to you to take action, which is completely acceptable.  Tell your MIL "Thanks, but the pediatrician advised us against the use of walkers.  I appreciate your generosity, but we cannot accept it."  Then, give her the option of returning it herself or do it on your own, and exchange it for something that is suitable for your little one.

Answer 19

If i was in your shoes I would take it then when your mother-in-law leaves put it somewhere  like the basement, garage, or attic. If she ask if she has been using it tell her that your daughter doesn't like it at all, and you are not pushing her to use it.

Answer 20

My kids (7 & 9) both used a walker and never once got hurt in them. Kids only get hurt when they are not supervised in them. They do strengthen legs, my youngest daughter could run full boar on carpet that is strong legs. She was a maniac in that thing and LOVED it. Turns out she has very bad vision we did not know at that point she would never have been able to build leg strength without it because it also helped her learn balance.

As far as a pushy MIL and a hubby who won't stand up to her, been there done that. I agree pick your battles. If you are against it simply dont use it. Save the big fights for when she tries to feed your child something you dont aprove of etc. Let the little ones slide. My MIL wanted to give my daughter a chicken bone to chew on at 5 months, I said absolutely not and made it clear it was not happening. We all laugh about that one now.

What I have found with my MIL is let her say what she wants and do what you want anyway. Say "that is fine but this is what I choose" and let it go. Do not feed into the fight or it gives her the control. When I let it go and refuse (without words) to argue it bugs her 10x more. And I feel a lot better, if you have leave then leave to not argue. I have left a couple of times and it really backed her off for a while that is LOL And when I leave it is calmly and my kids come with me. It needs to be clear that the kids and you are a package deal. I would never deny her my kids, I think it is so important for kids to have realtionships with rtheir grandparents. But my MIL also needs to realize I am a part of who they are and if I can swallow it for the sake of my kdis then so can she. It is a very fine line and taking the bull by the horns will get you no where and fighting with your husband will get you no where, we have been together for 19 years and he rarely stands up to his mom, you have to take the steps on your own but do it carefully because honestly I could nto ask for a better grandma than my MIL. My mom has passed away and it is very important to me my kids have a grandma, I have so many wonderful memories of mine.

Edit:  I agree with you, and I was in no way defending her simply telling you what I have found works with my MIL. She also fed her things like that and it infuriated me, I would just go take my daughter if she was feeding her something, it is a never ending battle. She never tried any of it with my second child though. Hang in there. I really wish my husband would have handled it but he never did. I did not even leave her with them as a young baby because she would not follow our rules. And my husband agreed with all of them and just told his mom she was staying in her routine of daycare. I worked at that time. I hope you find a way to work it out because I had many years of anger and resentment toward my MIL and my husband. It has gotten better as they have gotten older and I have learned how to stand up for myself but it has been an uphill battle all the way. Best of luck to you.

I meant I agree it is your child and your choice but I still do not agree walkers are unsafe, anything is unsafe for an unsupervised baby.