Aftermath of an affair...how long does it last...?

Question

A few years ago my husbands job sent him to Mississippi to work after Katrina...we live in NC. He was there for almost 10 months. We had never been seperated beforehand, and even after 10 yrs of marriage never had any serious issues except financially which is why he agreed to go when asked to do so. It was really hard on the both us of us and I became resentful of being the "single mother, having to deal with all the household goings on alone and our relationship became VERY strained. We only saw each other over Thanksgiving, Christmas, and one other time. I will admit I missed him very much, but I think it was easier to be angry at the whole situation. He was also very depressed and lonely until he was pursued (by her own admittance) by a single mother of three. He and she both told me he made it very clear in the beginning that he was happily married. But after a couple of months of her him confiding in his new friend the affair began. I suspected something when he quit his job and came home abrubtly 2 months early. After weeks on denial that anything was wrong, it all came out because she called my job and told me how unhappy he was that she was pregnant and he felt he wanted to be with her. Well it all came out, (she was never pregnant, although she claims she actually got pregant twice and had abortion 1st time and miscarriage second time) She was very graphic in every detail she made sure that I heard, and for some reason I listened to everything she had to say. It took a long time for me to even begin to forgive him, and in the mean time we had to change our number twice (forgot to have it unlisted the first time) because she kept harrassing us. We have renewed our vows and he has done EVERYTHING he could possibly do to prove his undying love, devotion, and regret since this happened, and I do still love him very much...but its different. Sometimes I look at him and feel disgust, other times I am so happy that we were able to work through this. As hard as I try to put it all behind me, I honestly do not know when the forgiveness will be 100%, and he accepts that and says he has no one to blame but himself, sometimes i see the pain in his eyes and hear it in his voice and it makes me somewhat sad...but also thankful that he feels pain also. When will I stop thinking about it everyday, and when can my heart finally begin to forgive her? The hate and anger and desire for revenge for her sometimes eats me up...as I have never met or seen her (she lives 11 hrs away). I do pray and our counseling, church counseling and our faith has gotten us this far...please tell me it will eventually help me to forgive her so that I can let go of some of my anger. Am I crazy for even trying to stay and be happy, or do I just need more time? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

Answer 1

Obviously you need more time, otherwise you wouldn't be on here pouring out your heart on YAHOO ANSWERS. Good grief, cut yourself some slack. You didn't say how long ago this happened, I don't remember exactly how long ago Katrina was. He's done quite a bit to show you he really does want to work things out. I don't think you ever really get over something like that. Trust is something that builds the foundation of your relationship. That's been broken and it's up to you to mend that,..if you choose.I understand the anger, resentment and need for some sort of vengeance. My ex-husband left me w/ $30,000 of debt, pregnant and w/ a 1 yr old.. He lied during our counseling sessions. You'll always have the nagging questions that never really seemed to get answered. Let them go if you really want to forgive your husband.You know him best. I always say,'go w/ the gut'. It's usually right. If you feel your husband is completely into saving this marriage, so be it. I think your feelings are totally justified. Stop using your energy on revenge, it won't get you anywhere other than jail, depending on what you decide to do! Concentrate on your husband and your future together.  

Answer 2

If you have not moved past the anger stage, you may have to seperate from your husband for a while.   It's been a few years, and he's tried to prove himself to you.   Seperation gives you a bit more clarity, you think about things that are really important to you and you rediscover your own identity.  Think of it as a sabbatical.

I don't know how church counseling works, but I would suspect that whomever you are seeing/have seen told you to forgive and forget and to stay with your husband.  That may not neccessarily be the best thing FOR YOU or your family--especially if you are feeling bitter.  

  

Answer 3

From experience I know exactly what you are talking about. It will be 2 years for me in October. We have also renewed our vows. I also offered my husband a divorce witch he didn't want (not what he told her). For over a year I had to deal with emails on his email account witch he gave me the password 2, saying things like isn't it funny that I think she is out of his life, and next year when he leaves me for good and I don't have a clue how great it will be, as well as take her for all she has so we will have money when you get rid of her.There is more but you get the picture. My husband to this day will not talk about it or give me an explanation. This is what seemed to answer it best for me. I shared it with my husband and he agreed.

Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't s***w around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born—any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads—at least for a while.

here is the link: http://health.yahoo.com/relationships-co...

Any woman that wants a married man has no life of there own and just wants to take yours.

How sick is this woman trying to destroy a child in her quest for a life?

By using your sons Myspace.

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. He knows he did something very wrong . He holds me when I cry about it. He has done everything right since. I truly believe that I am the only woman he loves. I do believe that I have forgiven him even tho sometimes the memories of that time hurt so bad I want to hate him, I can't.

I do know that it gets better every day..... will I ever forget? Probably not. Do I love him? h**l Yes. Will our marriage work? Yes.

Forgive her? What does she matter she is just trying to cause more problems than she already has.

Pitty her and laugh at her? Yup every chance you get. She has no life she wants someone elses. Noone really wants her she is just that sad.

You won she lost....she is just a loser.

Do I chek emails, Myspace, computer history, etc.? Yup. Less as time goes by.

Sounds to me like you are going through a hard spot with your reconciliation right now. I wish I could tell you how long you will have them. I don't know, I still have them too.

I wish you the best of luck. you can make your marriage work you obviously love him or you would have kicked him to the curb by now.

He loves you or he would be gone.

Sorry for l]the long answer. Email me if you want to talk.

  

Answer 4

I'll tell you my story it all started 12 years ago i was the kind of wife who took really good care of my family.  Home cooked meals on the table every night waiting for my husband when he walked in the front door. If he wanted to stay to have a few drinks after work that was OK. He played golf with his friends every Saturday and after wards would go to a bar and drink with his golf buddies that was OK also. Our s*x life was very good i wanted s*x every night and we hit every room in our house even the bathrooms and we had 3. Our son was 13 at the time i would drive him to school every day and head to work myself i had a part time job so i could always be there to pick my son up from school. My husband worked in an office he was Operations Manager over the whole division. He had all these women coming in his office telling him all their personal problems they were having at home.  He would tell me some things not all i would get really upset and ask him what right do they have coming in your office telling you things they had no business telling you and why are they that comfortable talking to you about things they wouldn't even tell their own husbands. I knew what they all looked like so i wasn't to worried about that but when he started going out after work to happy hour with them i didn't like it. After about 6 months of doing this he started acting different towards me s*x was like once a week if that and he would jump on every little thing i said. One Sunday morning i just couldn't take it and i ask him what was wrong with him nothing he kept saying. I said i don't want to hear that something is wrong with you and i want to know now. Well he told me that he had been thinking about moving out for some time now i couldn't believe what i just heard. Why would a man want to leave when he has everything a man could possible want at least that's what i thought. It just got worse with him staying out after work it was every night now and after 6 months he did move out and got his own apartment 4 blocks away. The first night he was gone my son stayed with his grand parents thank god because i was a mess i was crying so hard i couldn't keep my eyes opens and i just rocked back and forth on the floor. The first 3 months he was gone he was very nasty to me when i called him i just needed to talk to him i would ask if he would come over and have dinner with us NO was his answer every time. I had to be put on anti-depressants for 4 months but i got off after 3 months because the side effects. After 9 months things started getting better between us we started spending more time together and nights at his place and then mine. We still went to all the family outings and every holiday we were together. Christmas eve and Christmas day we spent with each other the same goes for New years eve and the next day. I'm telling you this because at the time i thought there was no way he could have a girlfriend because she just wouldn't put up with  never being with her exspecially on hoildays. Well after 2 1/2 longs years he came back home and we were so in love it's like he fell in love with me all over again. 2 days back home i was putting away some of his things when right in the middle of his shorts was a card. When i opened it my heart just broke into a million pieces and the tears just rolled down my face. It was from a co-worker he had been having an affair with long before he even moved out of our home. 3 years it had been going on right under my nose she had planted different things for me to find.  A pair of thongs she put in a shirt of his it was the only one that was turned inside out.  I turned the shirt on it's right side and the thongs fell to the floor right in front of my husband. He tried to play it cool and said what are they i said you should know they belong to your girlfriend. He swear up and down he never seen them before and he said she didn't wear thongs she didn't have the kind of built for thongs. I knew that much just by looking at her plus she isn't a skinny woman there were more things i found that she planted and by her doing that just made my husband hate her that much more. The heart ache i was going through was so unbearable it's was much worse then him leaving me. At times when i would look at him i was thinking how could this man who says he loves me but yet went out and had s*x with another woman for 3 years. Oh how i hated him at times but yet a second later i was filled with love. I cried every day and night i could hear a certain song and it started all over again. The only thing that help a little was talking in a tape recorder i had bought just for that. I had a lot on my mind and a h**l of a lot of unanswered questions. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying so i would get up and go into the bathroom and talk away i talked like he was listening to me. He has done everything right to try and make it up to me and it's helped but it still doesn't take away the fact that he cheated on me and stabbed me in my back. I have never forgiven him and never will but who says i have to anyways the books. He knows how i feel and he doesn't blame me one bit for not forgiven him,he hasn't even forgiven himself . He still gets all filled up with emotions at times and i think to myself good for him he should feel the hurt like i have been feeling all these years.  It's been 10 years now sense his affair and as far as forgiven him it won't happen and I'm OK with that and it hasn't taken any of the love i feel for him away in fact I'm learning to trust him again. My husband and i have been married 29 years now and we are happy and we love each other very much. I hope i helped a little with my story you see your not alone with your way of thinking.

Answer 5

It never goes away,that feeling stays with you,you can have a perfectly normal moment watching T.V or reading a book then bam,it pops back into your head,that feeling of betrayal and disgust,Its a heck of a way to live looking over your shoulder all the time,all these years later and it still consumes a good part of your day,that's unhealthy.Don't feel guilty because he is trying so hard,some people(most)can never recover from an affair,I feel for you,it a terrible situation to be in,ive been there,are you going to let it change you,are you planning on staying for the rest of your life feeling like S**t,I'm not saying recovery wont come for you at some point but how many more years can you feel this way,that's a hard road to walk down,good luck

Answer 6

Well, yes over time everything changes. even memories, the good thing is you are both back together, he really wants you, he is sorry i am sure he wouldn't do it again and he does regret it. She is single with 3 poor unfortunate kids. It seems she wanted another father-less one, she is so pathetic, don't you think?  it wasn't like it was some gorgoeus young girl he went after. Yes he was stupid, yes he commited adultery but i think the majority of married men would cheat if it was handed to them like that. You have got to put God in the middle of this and continue on in prayer and go on His strength each day not your own, most of all stay in church. Did she ask for forgiveness? don't focus on that part too much, satan wants to makes you miserable [like you're the guilty one] and will play on your mind, read John MacArthur's book 'Forgiveness'.

  

Answer 7

If my husband ever cheated on me, that would be the last of him.

Marriage is a promise.  I always criticize divorce, but when someone has been unfaithful, thats one of the few times I see it as okay to end it.

What you have, is a broken promise.  i'm confused to why you stay with him.  Look at the example you are setting for your children.  "Its okay to stay with a guy who cheats on me, because mommy did!"

Answer 8

Only time will tell. You will never realy get to know why it all happened, and you will just know what you know. Apparently, you and your husband want to move on from this mistake, so in a way you have to force yourself to forgive or you will just make it worse for yourself. Everyone always wants to hate the other woman and forgive your man, but remember who the person was that you made vows with. If you've forgiven your husband, you should just say f*ck it and f*ck you to the other woman. If she shows up again in your life, get a restraining order. If you can't  forgive your husband within the next few months with counseling and church, you may have to leave him to figure out what you truly need and want in your life.

Answer 9

I reckon we're about to find out!

Answer 10

If it was me, i'd most likely divorce him. I awlays thought committed relationships especially marriage are sacred. If one or the other disrespects the boundary, it is no longer deserved to have the other. Your love for him has hardly waned because it was a sudden blow to you with his affair. You haven't had enough time to take it all in what this does to your future and happiness. No matter how much you're into your faith and believe in forgiving, you cannot help how someone so close to you could betray you. If it was a friend that betrayed you, you'd eventually forgive them but your relationship would never be the same anymore. I hope you have enough will power, strength and encouragement to do exactly what you want to do in this situation; whether you decide to stay and continue to work it out with yourself in forgiving him and her or you decide to change your life and make YOU happy for you. Good luck- truly!

Answer 11

I've been where you are and unfortunately, I never wish what you are going through on my worst enemy.  After everything you wrote it sounds to me your husband knows he truly made the biggest mistake of his life. I had so much anger towards my husband just like you do cause I felt he didn't realize the gut-wrenching pain and devistation he put me through.  I do believe your husband does know.  This other woman (pig), forget about her.  She sounds beyond unstable in so many ways.  Your husband unfortunately fell for her manipulative c**p in so many ways.  Any woman with an ounce of dignity, class, and morals wouldn't touch a married man with a ten foot pole.  Never let this woman have that much control over your feelings.  Women like her come a dime a dozen.  I truly believe you need to talk to your husband and let him know how angry you still are.  He needs to listen!!!!!! I don't care if you tell him everyday, he still needs to keep listening to you.  Your husband came home two months early, that tells me right there he wanted away from the "fruitcake" and back to his wife.  Who says you need to forgive her?  I sure don't. She (pig) knew he was happily married.  Maybe she needed another paycheck to help with her three kids.  Please keep talking to your husband and telling him honestly how you feel.  I know you can both work this out and I hope you can cause it sounds like you both love each other very much.   I wish you all the best.  Try and direct your anger elsewhere.  She does not deserve even an ounce of your energy.  Besides, she most likely already moved on to her next target. It does take quite a while but things will get better, I promise.  

Answer 12

I've been told that trust is like a wine glass. But if you drop the glass and it breaks, you can try to glue it back together, but its never the same.

For me, I could probaby forgive, for my own sanity, but i don't forget...anything!! And i would probably hold it over his head forever. One way or another i would want to 'punish' him.

I guess it has to be a mindset. I personally couldnt do it, but others have and come out with a stronger marriage. Time, God, counseling for you both....

Good luck!

Answer 13

Aftermath? ...ha ha ha.....like a nuclear war or something?

Answer 14

i feel for you ...

move on and put this relationship in the past

Answer 15

Forever. Or as long as your together. Once that trust is broken, its nearly impossible to be able to completely trust again. It has happened to me and I tried to 'get over it' and even two years after, it was STILL in the back of my mind, wondering where he was if he was running late. It never went away. The only thing that went away was my feelings for him.

Answer 16

Please keep plugging away at this, it really is better than the alternative. I am with you, my friend, but only two months into it now. I just know that if you can make your marriage work and other than this your relationship is good then you should do it. It is very hard, seemingly impossible, but so is life on the other side. Good luck and lots of peace love and joy to you. We are rare gems in a society full of worthless stones.