Age-old question: How to deal with in-laws?!?

Question

His mom makes snide remarks putting me down and laughs with it to make it sound like a joke, you know? His dad constantly tells hubby how to do things. The thing is, we've been married 20 years and only children haven't fought with them, but since moving within 30 miles from them, things are worse. So hard to keep my mouth shut! Continue to do so? I'm tired of them putting us down when clearly we treat them better than the other 3 kids who have nothing to do with them except phone calls. I regularly have them over for meals and they know they can stop for a visit anytime. We've been very good as far as making them feel needed by asking their input on stuff, etc., and yet they act this way. We both are feeling we are going to have to distance ourselves from them if they continue this way.

Answer 1

Yes. Leave. It's the ONLY way to deal with this situation. When you moved closer, they took that as an opportunity to become highly involved in your lives. If you lived further away, they would go out of their way to make visits pleasant so you'll visit more often.They do not see the need to be polite or nice since you're close and can't be offended enough to leave town! (I'm in the same situation.)

Blowing up at your in-laws will never be forgiven. Your in-laws will hate you for the rest of your married life. It'll cause problems within your marriage. i know it's hard (GOD, do I know....) but you have to keep you mouth shut. When all else fails, it's your husband's job to deal with his parents, not yours. This is hard for him because his parents are forcing him to choose between you and them, but he married you. try to clench your teeth as often as possible and buy a punching bag....lol

Answer 2

At least your in-laws are open about it, mine kept her mouth shut for 2 years before telling me her actual feelings!  So be as open as they are, tell them you don't like the way they're treating you, cite specific examples and ask them to stop treating you this way.  You've been great to them, remind them of that.  Warn them that you don't want to be treated this way, and if they continue to hurt your feelings and put you down, then you just won't be spending any more time with them.  Good luck!

Answer 3

Hon, what you are dealing with here is commonly called "Toxic Family". No one has the right to put you down and criticize you, and you and your husband have every right to put some distance between you and them.

You cannot control or change their behavior and attitude, but you can and need to set clear boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior, and have the determination and strength to stick to the boundaries. Moving further away is an option many people choose in order to not have to deal with these sort of problems.

Has your husband spoken to his family about these issues and problems? If not, he needs to. If he's more on the passive side and is too concerned about hurting their feelings etc, many people in this type situation simply move further away and it has helped them overcome these obstacles.

Answer 4

Uuuugggggg.....I know where you're at with this....been there myself.  I put up with it for 11 years and then decided to stop taking it.  I thought it out and came to the conclusion that the in-laws never really had taken the time to get to know me as a person....so how could I really take their insults personally?  I then decided to fight back with "passive agression".  I didn't yell or make snide remarks back.  I simply "called them" on their put downs.  When they would make a remark I would respond in a CALM voice with "Maybe you don't realize what you just said was hurtful (or mean etc...)...you might think it's funny, but I don't, it hurts, so could you please stop it?"  It didn't take long before they stopped.  There were a few incidents, but through all of them I remained calm, and just called it as I "felt" it.  Eventually they got the point and no longer played the head games.  I simply stood up for myself as an adult.  I wouldn't put up with it from an acquaintance or a stranger, so why should I put up with it from them?  I still treat them with respect (wouldn't feel good about myself if I stooped to their level)....and now expect the same in return.  If that doesn't work for you I'd suggest cutting off from them slowly.  Life is too damned short to experience this much tension.  The only other option would be to hire a hitman.....just make sure their life insurance policy is up to date LOL!! (jk'in of course).....take a stand! Much luck :)

Answer 5

Sounds like you have been putting up with their antics for long enough!  They obviously don't appreciate the things you do with them, so stop doing them.

You could also rehearse some snide remarks of your own to fire back at them and then chuckle they way they do!  That could get really interesting!

I agree with your idea of distancing yourselves from them.  You and your husband have done the best job you can do and still haven't won them over, so move on without them.  You can cold turkey cut them off, or just invite them over less and less until you don't invite them over at all.

It's a shame people push family away by being rude and ungrateful, but it happens.

Answer 6

every couple is gonna have a problem with in-laws. talk to them. you shouldn't move far away from them... because they'll just get more annoying. they'll most likely start to call you constantly. but if you absolutely can NOT take them... then i guess you should move.