All Moms: Do you feel people do not respect your role as mother because you adopted, or relinquished a child..

Question

or are fostering or raising a step child... and so on.

Almost every parent I know does not make a distinction between myself and them in terms of motherhood, however, a comment was made back when we first adopted by this one acquaintance (who thankfully moved away). We were all commisserating about mom stuff and about advice and I said that now that I was a mom I was going to bombard expectant moms with all this knowledge I had now acquired (making a joke out of all the unsolicited but loving advice I had received). Well, she responded: "Oh, Kaz, I'd hardly go to you for advice." Why not? "Well, it's not like it's the same?" What's not the same? "Baby girl's not real." Then she has the balls to laugh as she realizes EVERYONE has got the daggers out. Uh, is she imaginary you twit? There have been other minor instances, but that one stands out. As first moms, I wonder if you received similar stupidity simply because you relinquished? Or other moms who become moms through different means

Answer 1

I know that mothers who adopted dont always have the same feelings toward an child that an flesh and blood child.  I do believe that adopting is an awesome thing, I know that my father and step mother adopted an baby a few years ago and they feel just like he is theirs just like if she carried him for 9 months.  

I know that bond can be made. I know that some mothers no matter how hard they try cant bond,  Its unfortunate.  

If you feel the bond and the fact that you have raised that child as your own. Dosent matter what any Mother says, he is yours.  

On and side note, My aunts husband had an child when he was 18 and the girl was 16, it was his choice as the adult to decide what to do, He made sure that baby had an good home with adopted parents out of state.  When I met him and was getting to know him, he told me " you will think I am the worst person in the world for what I did..."  and told me about his son.  He was shocked that I felt that he did what was best for the child and gave him an better life with and more settled and loving family,  What better life could he have.   MY uncle feels guitly for giving up his flesh and blood, but he knows that child is in an better place.

Dont listen to critics, just because some one doesnt feel that what you did or some one you know did, doesnt make the judge and jury.

Listen to what you feel and what you want.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, yes, I run acoss a few of these types of folks and I must say that it took me quite a while before I could deal with them without being deeply hurt and upset. I've heard it all, from "you gave the baby up. That makes you nothing" to "of course you're not a mother. You're not even a normal person" and the list goes on. I figured out that it's bound to happen and at best, you can take it as an opportunity to educate someone who didn't know better and at worst, you can learn to grow some thicker skin.

Answer 3

Im guessing this woman is just a jackass.  We all know them.

Answer 4

I would be upset too, but you had good friends backing you up.  When my husband and I started going through the process to foster and adopt, I thought that people would think it's weird, but everyone was excited.  I guess some people are just ignorant to the fact that you can still make a difference for someone even if you're not connected with blood.  You raise your baby and enjoy it!

Answer 5

Im not a mom but to me parents are the people who bring you up care for you when your sick etc so personally i would not treat someone like rubbish for giving a child up for adoption its there choice to miss out on a great lifetime

Answer 6

Oh, Kazi,

You are so sweet to spend time with those who suffer the mental capacity of a lobotomized sheep. You shouldn't let their bleating upset you - they can't help it and certainly don't know what they are saying!

Seriously, I am hardly ever amazed anymore at how ignorant and petty people can be when it comes to parenting in general -ESPECIALLY when it comes to adoption or families of non-traditional means. Why all the judgement and animosity between people who have experienced the joy of raising a child and why adults can't just take a cue from the kids and play nice, I just can't wrap my mind around. Kids are so much better at seeing the truth.

Somebody always has a comment about the way someone else raises their kids and some people just never "get it" that all families aren't like the Donna Reed Show.

Of course your daughter is very real - even if she's a fairy princess! SHE knows it and so do YOU! You are a great mother - who "gets it"! If she doesn't come to you, your aquaintance is missing out on some great advice from an intelligent and compassionate mother who does more to understand and nurture her child than tons of parents of bio kids! I feel sorry for her kids. (Maybe your daughter could grant her a brain with her magic wand!) There's no such thing as normal and "real" (translation:DNA) doesn't mean diddly squat when it comes to REAL family. REAL families come in all different colors, shapes, sizes and make-ups. REAL is a personal concept when it comes to families - no outsider can make the distinction for you. I'm quite sure you and your daughter are both VERY real to each other and that is all that matters in this case!

As to my being criticized as a mom, the only person who has ever had a problem with me is my next door neighbor. She thinks I'm a bad mother because I let my boys get muddy when it rains. She thinks I'm crazy because she saw ME out in the rain WITH them jumping in puddles. (Then she stupidly told my BFF this and told her not to tell me! LOL! DUH!)

If she were right then I wouldn't have so many people call me "Mom" (some of 'em are older than me!), I wouldn't constantly have anywhere between 2 - 8 kids (and their families) running happily through my house, nobody would ever ask my opinion about what to do about the green p**p that their 18 month old just made (it's the blue kool-aid you gave him a lunch!) or how to get their kid to stop throwing temper tantrums in public (walk away - they'll get up.), my kids wouldn't tell me how much they love me a hundred times a day (I love you too, guys - no matter what) and my life would be a lot more boring! I don't care what some crotchety old biddy thinks anyway - I'm too busy jumping in the mud!

Let that woman's idiotic comment go - you're great and I bet you have muddy feet too - or is it pixie dust?

Answer 7

I am sorry that you had to experience such ignorance.  I am both an adoptee and an adoptive mom.  I had a couple of insensitive statements from my mother-in-law believe it or not, but other than that no.  And what was the worst about the comments that received from her and my hubby's sister was that it was an insult to me as an adoptive mom and a child.  One comment- "how do you know what love is , since you are adopted, and how will your children know love?"  I just look back on comments like that and feel sorry for those people.  Hang in there. It would be interesting to see if birth mom's experience these type of comments. I pray that they don't.

Answer 8

Yes. It happens all the time.

A short while after we brought home our son (he was 2-1/2 years old), we threw a party for our friends and family to help us welcome our son into the family. The party was at a park and there were lots of other children there. About an hour into the party I was suddenly seized with panic when I realized that I couldn't see my son. One of my friends said, "What's wrong?" and I said, "I can't see S." When I spotted him and realized that he was with his dad and grandfather, I relaxed and my friend said, "Aww, you're such a mom already!" Just then, my mother-in-law, who was standing nearby, snorted. I immediately got in her face and said, "What was that for?" She backed down and that was the end of it. But I knew that she didn't respect me as a mother because, after all, I hadn't given birth like *she* had.

Honestly though, I try not to let ignorant morons like my (now ex-) MIL bother me. I know I'm a mom and I prove it every day. I make my son's lunches, drive him to school, attend parent/teacher conferences, help him brush his teeth properly, do his homework with him, and read to him at night before bed. I stay home with him when he's sick and I giggle with him when SpongeBob says something funny on TV. What my ex-MIL doesn't know about loving a child would fill a library full of books, but somehow I've learned a lot of it despite the fact that I didn't conceive and grow my child in my body.

My own mother summed it up pretty well a couple of years ago. I was talking to her on the phone and mentioned how curly my hair has become over the last few years. (It was always stick straight when I was a kid.) She laughed and said, "Sometimes that happens after you have a baby!" She knows my son has a first mother as well as an adoptive mother, but she recognizes me as a parent, not "just" an adoptive mother.

ETA: I'd be interested to know why I was given thumbs down for this answer. I'm not angry; just curious. If you gave me a thumbs down and would like to discuss it (rationally, not angrily), I'd love to get an email from you.  :)

Answer 9

I think every adoptive mom, foster mom, step mom, and mom who reliquished a child, has had some similar sort of experience, somewhere along the way.  

Someone who just fails to get the idea that motherhood includes more people than they seem capable of counting.  They show a true lack of respect for anything different  than their brand of motherhood and take on this sort of air of superiority.  The important thing is not to let these sorts of attitudes on the part of some ignorant person define you and yours.  Fortunately, the majority of people have bigger minds AND bigger hearts.

Answer 10

Now you know what natural parents go through daily but throw organizations into the picture that want to label them abusive, neglectful and unfit so they can take their children and give them to others that can't physically have their own.

Answer 11

What a rude and insensitive thing to say!

No, I've never been made to feel any less of a mother by anyone. We live in a small community and a lot of people know our adoption story but I can't say that me or my family are regarded as different from any other family. It's just not an issue.

Answer 12

it should not matter what other people say, as long as you are a loving and caring mother who will always be there then f**k what all the other stupid immature people have to say

Answer 13

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... i was adopted

Answer 14

Only by the ignorant, and I'd given up all hope for some of them LONG before adopting.

Answer 15

I do not feel that, although there are very few exceptions of every rule. To me, you are amazing! You, just love and look after your baby and do not pay attention to those devil women!