All NON-ADOPTED people how would you feel if you never knew your real parents and were told you never could?

Question

I have reported dirtyred for abuse. You are going to burn in h**l for saying what you did to me too.

Answer 1

By "real" do you mean biological?

You know what my mom would be no more or less my mom if she didn't share my DNA.

Answer 2

I suppose that would suck......but i would go to therapy, get help, and move on with my life cause you know what ...this is no dress rehearsel....this is real life and my goal is to be as happy as i can be.. I have had many traumatic things (MANY) happen in my life..i got through them and moved on

just an FYI... when you post on this site you are, unfortunately , opening yourself up for peoples opinions (DONT I KNOW IT!!!).  SO the truth is this....dirtyred and anyone else is entitled to their opinion without being told to burn in h**l (yeah thats mature) and because you are using the h**l word and to "burn in it" at that...you should be reported.  I would have to say I agree with what she said and HOW she said it.  NOT ALL ADOPTED PEOPLE FEEL THE SAME WAY AS YOU DO!  You opened yourself up to it.

adoptionissadandsick: you are right, I am not able to relate to the question as an adopted person...but I was asked...and I dont take my family for granted.  Because i wasnt adopted you dont think i appreciate my family...well i can assure you that i do not take them for granted..in fact i take nothing for granted.  i appreciate everyday that i wake up and see the sun shining and see my little boys cute smile asking me for apple jacks with his stinky little morning breathe (LOVE IT).....i appreciuate it all and thats why i can answer this question...based on MY life experiences!  and my answer is that it would SUCK!

Answer 3

I am not adopted.  I have one adopted son and two biological children.  My son knows who is biological family is (now that he's grown - he didn't before).

I've tried to imagine how I'd feel if I were adopted, but I'm not sure that as a non-adopted person my opinion hasn't been colored by the sureness of knowing my biological parents.  All any of us can do, though, is form our opinions (even if based on our own experiences) and go with them:

I've tried to imagine how I'd feel if I discovered tomorrow I was secretly adopted.  I was so close to my parents, and I loved them so much, and I am who I am because of the peaceful and loving home they created and the way they spent so much time talking to me.

So, if I discovered that I was adopted I don't think I'd care who the biological parents were.  They'd be people I didn't know.  You can't love people you don't know.  I can't say I think genes matter all that much.  (I've done quite a bit of studying up on how much genes count.  These days people are learning more and more that they don't count as much as was once believed when it comes to who someone is.)

I have an inlaw who was adopted, and he has indicated he has no interest in ever learning about his birth parents.  He says his mother and father were the people who knew and loved him.  My son had to be coaxed a little to meet the woman who gave birth to him.  

Nurturing in the first three years of life actually affects the development of brain connections, a person's stress response, and his immune system.  (www.zerotothree.org).  The person my son is is a different person than he would have been had he been raised by his biological mother.  No, I didn't give him his light brown hair and gray eyes the way I gave my biological children some of their coloring.  

At the same time, I have things about myself that aren't like my mother or father.  Also, my adopted son and biological daughter both have the same hair color.  My biological son and adopted son both have the same eye color.  In other words, when it comes to coloring - who cares.  Being biological doesn't mean we can always identify the originals of our hair type.

Do I think adopted children should have the right to know if they want to know?  Yes.  I think the children's needs come first and that the biological and adoptive mothers' needs/wishes come second.

If I discovered that the people who made me the person I've become as a result of their nurturing and love didn't create me, and if my mother brought me home from an agency rather than a hospital?  I honestly don't think I would.  

While I probably would be curious about who gave birth to me, I think I could comfortably live not knowing.  I never met my grandmothers, and there's a whole lot about my biological ancestry I don't know.  I think, if I discovered I was adopted and couldn't learn who my biological parents were, I'd probably just absorb that lack of information into everything else I don't know about my ancestry.

I consider myself every bit as much the "real" mother of my oldest son as I do my two younger children.  All three have personality similarities as a result of being in the same family.  I feel the same about all three.  

I guess because I'm both an adoptive and biological mother, I have learned how "real" the adoptive relationship can be, and I've come to see biological background as primarily a matter of facts, dates, and names that may be good to know but that aren't as crucial as many people think they are.

I took the time to write this because I hope that at least some adopted people who don't know their biological roots may benefit a little from my sometimes unpopular view.

Answer 4

I'm sorry! I was adopted and I realize this question is none of my business, but I just had to respond to DIRTYRED's comments.  

Shocking, it really is.  

You are in some serious denial if you think that your child will not have thoughts or feelings of wonder at some point in his/her life.  I had a wonderful childhood too.  I spent my childhood baking cakes and cookies with my mother and still do today any chance I have.

I am an adult now.  I still love my mother just the same, but I still need to know what took place all those years ago.  I need my blood lineage to close the gaps.  It is natural and it is real.  

Your child will too.  He/she may not tell you in fear of hurting you in some way, because obviously you have issues with this and I can certainly see why your child would be afraid to mention this to you.  But he/she will tell his/her friends, they will discuss it behind your back and you will likely never know.  He/She WILL wonder, until the questions are answered.  Their closest friends will know their thoughts, you will not, if you do not open your mind.  Accept it Lady.

Now, I'm going back to finish dinner for my lovely family, including my mother.

One last thought!

Ignorance breeds Ignorance!! Teach Knowledge!!  With knowledge and open minds our adults of tomorrow can begin to make smarter choices for themselves and those around them.  With knowledge they will have the tools they need to make up their own minds and in turn, change the world!

Answer 5

Its one thing I have learned, never say never. It may take a little work, but now days it is rarely impossible for people to find their birth parents. Hopefully, adoptive parents are understanding of this need or that their may be a need and are planning accordingly

Answer 6

If I grew up just as I have... with great parents and a family I would be curious to meet them but if I couldn't I would be okay because I know that I still have my family that I grew up with.

Answer 7

It would leave a void in my life, also for the fact of not knowing any illness they might have had, that could effect

me and my children.Or what country they were born in.

Answer 8

Dirtyred, that was.....SO .....LAME.

Answer 9

I'd be devastated.

I think biology is still vastly underrated in American culture, underestimated in its impact on making us who we are. The behaviorist movement in psychology from the 1950's sent out waves that are still rippling today.

For me... I know, absolutely, that so much of who I am is biology, and it would devastate me to not be able to know my parents.

Answer 10

Most non-adopteds simply can't relate to such a question. They take family for granted.

Answer 11

i was adopted when i was 9 months old and i don't know were my mom or real dad is it has been bothering me alot and i need someone to talk to if you were adopted and your experncing the thing i i'am

Answer 12

I am not a NON-ADOPTED persoon ,  but the father of a Daughter that I did not know about. Because of her Mother. She always lied to me and never let me see or tell me anything about it. I just found my daughter and I think that everyone should know who their REAL parents are. I now have someone in my life that I can LOVE with all my heart that I have never had before. I hope you find your missing link. Good luck

Answer 13

I would be heartbroken.  Every human has a special light in their eyes.  It was put there by family history and genealogy.  It should be a crime to blow out that light.

Answer 14

im not sure why you would ask this question, but heres my take. I gave my daughter up for adoption and its an open one.. before i decided to make it open i thought: maybe it would be better for my child not to know in hopes that she would lead a "normal" life also i didnt know if i could handle the emotions of greiving my child and having to greive over and over again everytime she sent me a letter or i got pictures of her. You have to understand giving up a child is like mourning their death. its very hard to accept. i personally decided to keep in touch with my daughter and was blessed enough to find a couple that is very good with keeping me posted.. but really before you get too angry you have to think about why the bio parents gave their child away in the first place... its most likely because they wanted something better for their child and did something selfless...that doesnt mean they dont love you and it doesnt mean they dont ever want to meet you.. but maybe they just arent ready to mourne you.

Answer 15

I would be heart-broken if I didn't know where I came from and never would be able to find out my family lineage.

But yea I'm sorry but it is quite sad that you've told DirtyRed to Burn in h**l .. when she has done a wonderful thing adopting a son. Adoptive parents are the best, I think most are insecure that their child would like the "real" mother better and want to leave NO parent wants to have that feeling or even think their child may be feeling that way.

BABYGIRL0802: DirtyRed said that she has an open adoption therefore her son can be in contact with his mother whenever he wants .. she is doing NO wrong.

But to say that ALL adoptees secretly HATE their adoptive parents is .. wrong .. everyone has their own opinions .. Hate is a very harsh word IMO..

Hope you get through this hard time in you life

Good Luck

Answer 16

Non adopted people will NEVER know what that feels like.

And most don't have enough empathy to even try to know how that feels.

If they did - every single one would support adoptee open records.

Most don't want their adoptee knowing of their origins - because they like to play pretend that they are the child's only parents.

Adoptees are actually the luckiest people on the planet - we have 2 sets of parents.

But more often than not - we are not allowed to know and love all of them.

Why - because it 'hurts' the adoptive parent too much.

Knowing all their family certainly does not hurt the adoptee.

Non adopted people have no right to ever make assumptions on an adoptee about this.

I kept silent for decades.

That's what adoptees do.

They were rejected by their first mother - they will do whatever it takes to not be rejected by the second.

It's a primal thing.

Adoptees are - by far - the best people pleasers on earth.

Just because an adoptee says out loud that they don't want to know - isn't always the truth that they keep hidden deep deep inside.

No - not all want to know.

But it should always be up to the adoptee - with no outside influence from the adoptive parent - to have that knowledge if he/she wishes.

Answer 17

I would feel as if I need to know

Answer 18

I consider real parents to be those who raised a child. It's completely different asking non adopted people this question because they only had one set of parents, their biological parents. However adopted children have their real parents, those that raised them and then their bio parents those who did not. So I think your view on "real" parents is a bit skewed. I don't see anything wrong with looking for your birth parents once you're an adult, but real parents are the ones who raised you whether you think they did a good job or not.

Answer 19

Seriously. I'm going no holds barred on this one because you actually said in a prior post "that all adoptees secretly hate their adopted parents." Therefore, I have no sympathy for your situation. If you have guts enough to say that then have guts enough to hear my real thoughts.

Like I said on a previous post. Misery loves company. You are a sad, miserable person. You had a bad adoption experience so you want to make yourself feel better by thinking in your warped head that everybody else has too. It validates your misery. It makes you more miserable when hear that people actually have positive adoption experiences.

Guess what, I'm sitting hear baking a wonderful supper for my wonderful family (which includes an adopted son). My husband loves me. My son loves me. We have a great life, and get this, we're happy. So how do you like that? I'm so sorry if this makes you feel bad about yourself.

EDIT: Just defending my son and my family. Anybody that can't see how wrong it is for her to say "that my son secretly hates me", I have no respect for your opinion as is. Your in the same mentality as she is. The truth hurts. By the way, I have an open adoption with my son's natural mother. He will know her the rest of his life. Nothing hidden or not discussed in our family. And gues what, we're still happy! Happy family signing off!

Answer 20

i am adopted and my mom just left me in the hospital and walked out on my i really don't like adoption but hey she saved my life i am the miracle child of my town and well i am happy for that but still i feel a little hurt that she left me i am the miracle child because she did not take me with her and hurt me her only being my age and all i am 16. and well that hurts that she did that and erased herself from my history for good and can never find her i have had this hanging over my shoulder since i was born really that i don't have a really mom that loved me she hated me and left me there with nothing at all.

Answer 21

I am non adopted and often wonder how it would feel indeed to be adopted and never know my biological parents. In my case, because I am very independent, I believe it would not be too difficult. I don't even care to know about my own genealogy as other people do, but I can imagine that if you are adopted, even if you are happy with your adoptive parents, you would be curious. However, if it is impossible for you to meet them, perhaps you should make a special effort to put this out of your mind. You are only hurting yourself. I know it is easier said than done, but if you need help doing so, it would be worth your try. Good luck.

Answer 22

I feel sad for you and am sorry that you feel so hopeless about meeting your biological parents.  My husband and I have an adopted daughter and we keep in very close contact with both her birth mother and birth father, in fact, we have even met both sets of her birth grandparents and two sets of her birth great-grandparents.  We will continue to stay in touch so that when our daughter is older and wants to meet them, it'll be no problem.  

My husband and I want our daughter to be proud of who she is and where she came from and we will do all we can to support that for her.  We love her birth family and want her to have a special connection with them.  We DO NOT feel threatened by that at all.  We have a lot of pictures of them and letters from them, explaining their feelings about her and the situation that led to her being placed for adoption with us.  I know we are blessed and not everyone has that kind of openness or close relationship with adoption.  

My heart goes out to you!

Amy