All You TOP CONTRIBUTORS, please, please CRITIQUE this...?

Question

The start of love poem V

The smile upon her snow-flecked face

a winter rose in a winter-ed night

shall never bow to that chilling wind

nor will it sink in that field of white

Answer 1

This is very good. I agree about '—ed.'

It slows down the reader a little. Have you checked out poetsofmars?

Answer 2

man who you tryin to be romeo an juliet you sound horrible

Answer 3

ignore kings77

i think its a lovely beggining :)

check out my poems

Answer 4

It is late at night, where I am right now, and I'm outside. The air is chilled, and my toes are cold. Even though there is no snow on the ground it is a perfect place to read this poem.

I felt my happiness sink, and my warmth drop quick, while reading this. It is ever so lovely in a cold kind of way. That rose was like a melting icecube, in a hideous place were spring clashes with winter.

Great poem.

9.4/10

Answer 5

You've gotten some good suggestions already, but I'm leaning toward Hypocorism's editing because of his contribution of  the 8,6,8,6 meter.  However,  I would use "chilled" instead of "chill".   Good job...it's a lovely verse.  Can't wait to see the rest.

Answer 6

Your poem is really great! I would personally add more to it. Oh sorry u said the start. The words will come, may take a day or hours but wait until they come. Is this about a g/griend? I assumed it was. Very very good indeed!

Answer 7

You've written four lines in iambic tetrameter...except line three because you used "chilling" instead of "chill" or "chilled"...personally, I'd go with "chill".  Also, as others have already stated, "winter-ed"  should be "wintered".  I question the use of two "winters" in the second line, but it does create an echo of sorts, so it might not be that bad a repetition in this case...and while we're on that topic, you might have said, "shall never bow to winter's wind", kept the line iambic, carried out the parallelism further and created an alliteration.  The last line, although correct in beats, might have been better written as "nor sink into that field of white" because "will" changes the tone of the line and puts it into a future tense while all else is present tense.

It is a good begining, but difficult to critique because one stanza isn't enough to create context...still, it's a good start...so keep writing :)

Answer 8

A lovely beginning.  I believe the flow would best be served by maintaining the meter established in line one...

The smile upon her snow-flecked face,

A winter rose in wintered night

Shall never bow to chilling wind

Nor will it sink in field of white.

It is a beautiful image, very endearing. Thank you.

Answer 9

I love the way you write!   I wish there was more !!  Truly beautiful , I have been reading your poetry this evening and have  really enjoyed it!!  Cheers !!

Answer 10

If I were you, there are only a few things I would change.

For the first, turn winter-ed, into all one word. It preserves flow.

Also, take out the word "that" in your fourth line. Something to the effect of "nor will it sink in fields of white" would help your poem go smooth as silk.

Good work.

Answer 11

i think its a great start

i love the snow-flecked face and about the rose

keep writingXD

agrees with evadne

Answer 12

i like..i like.

nice poem....

i think of pure happiness....

the smile that will neither bow nor sink.

excellent use of metaphor and personification.

not a top contributor.....but i know a thing or two about good poetry :)

and that, my friend....is good poetry.

Answer 13

I am not a TOP CONTRIBUTOR, however I feel compelled to comment.

The picture is poignant and while agreeing with some of the T Cs posts,  You, yourself, have created an image and you and you alone will find the path that future lines will travel.

Answer 14

That's sweet and romantic as usual...so complete it...

Answer 15

It is lovely.

winter-ed night is a problem.  Perhaps wintery night.

T.

Answer 16

what Evadene said.

Answer 17

Yeah, this just sounds like imitation. I give it a 2/10 Sorry, dude. Try a little harder next time.

Answer 18

It reminds me of a slab of lard slowly melting in a frying pan.

Answer 19

Would you mind if I tried it in your ballad stanza?

The smile upon her snow-flecked face,

A rose in winter's night,

Shall never bow in the chill wind,

Nor sink in fields of white.

What do you think?  

I find these short fragments hard to critique, but it seems to me that if this poem were titled, for example, `A Rose in the Snow,' I would say the quatrain always seems to be brushing by the simplicity of the image.  The poem literally puts the rose in the anti-visual `wintered night,' asks the reader to imagine a wind, and then insists the imagination supply the field's daytime whiteness.  I don't object to any of this, and I am sure the rest of the poem will explain these aesthetic choices.  But in a fragment they are still a little bit off-balance.  I look forward to see how you will work out these tensions as the poem continues.