All current parents: What should my partner and I consider before deciding to get pregnant?

Question

My partner and I once in a whille talk about having a child but we just kind of say "well next year". I am a divorced woman with no children and he is a divorced man with one seven year old from a previous marriage. We both would love a child of our own but I think we are both really scared, what should we consider before geting pregnant in order for us to make the correct choice?

Answer 1

Definitely get married.  If you two can make that commitment, then you don't need to make a commitment of raising a child.  

Other than that, you can worry all you want but no matter how prepared you are or arent' or how much money you have or don't have, everyone is scared.  Oh and you're never mentally ready however once the baby comes, it's all worth it.  

Good luck on your decision.

Answer 2

Before you even THINK about having a baby with this man, I'd be spending your time thinking about you future - are you planning on getting married and spending the rest of your life together? I think you should be focusing on that question first.

Answer 3

Consider getting married.  If you are going to commit to making a life-long parenting decision, you should both be committed to each other first.  I don't know how it got to be so acceptable to bring children into this world out of wedlock.  I think you are setting a bad example for your children if you are choosing to have children before you are married.

Answer 4

Finance is a big issue, so long as you can afford the child the rest will be so much easier :)

Answer 5

The age of both of you should be one factor you consider. You didn't mention marriage. Considering your backgrounds, all children would feel better if you were married. It would give them a sense of security.

Answer 6

Well call me old fashioned but I believe that parents should be married.  It will show your child that you are committed to each other forever.  Other than that you need a good financial plan.  Who will care for the baby( a sitter)  will you stay home etc.  Babies cost a lot of money- diapers, doctor bills, ect.  Make sure you are financially prepared

Answer 7

finance.

career's

and are you sure your ready to have a child with this man?

its not just a "oh hey lets get pregnant" thing......its a lifetime commitment

Answer 8

well figure out what went wrong in your other marrages and see if you think that will reoccur in this marrage, really just make sure your both in love and have the time and money for a child

Answer 9

I was always taught that what goes wrong in previous relationships/marriages, if not properly resolved, will carry over into the next relationships/marriages. Oh, how this is SO true!

For example, if you had money issues that broke you and your first husband up, you'll need to have a plan in place so that similar financial liabilities don't become a factor in your present relationship. Same thing with your partner. That's number one.

Number two, and this is a very important one to consider is that you two will need to figure out if you both, are in fact, dead set against marriage if and when you decide to have a child. You can always get married after the baby has arrived, but it's best, for your child's assurance and security, that you commit to marriage before hand. You may not think this is at all a factor, but children, believe it or not, are affected by whether or not their parents are married.

Next, you'll want to understand and be confident in the fact that babies do not come with instructions once they are born. New parents don't have that advantage.

Lastly, you'll want to pay very close attention to how your other half is treating his situation with his seven year old. Is it a joint custody situation? Is it a situation where he gets visitation? If he gets visitation, does he pay child support? Are his payments on time. This is VERY important to note. This should make or break your decision to pursue an opportunity to have children as it provides the blue print. Blue prints are very important in these matters.

For example, my husband has never been late for his child support payments for all three of his children.....EVER. That tells me, among other convincing factors, that given the opportunity for us to be young enough again to get pregnant and have a baby, we would then give it the green light to conceive.

Lastly, whatever decision you make, I know, will be the best one for the both of you. The marriage thing is, in my opinion, just as important as it is to make the commitment to have a baby. Thus, all being very important commitments that require a lot of time thinking through and discussing.

Good luck to the both of you.

Answer 10

Lots of things! First of all, I would consider how old you and your husband are. If you are young enough to put this decision off until it feels more definite then that's the first thing I would consider. You can't possibly really know what it takes to decide whether or not to have a child or when. It's a giant decision and one with huge risks and no guarantees whatsoever. Your husband should certainly know this since he already has a child. There are basics, of course, like being in a loving and lasting relationship, being financially secure, wanting a child, being emotionally ready and capable of taking care of a child. However, all the answers to this depend heavily on the culture you come from and what your expectations are for parenting and for a lifestyle. There's no question that poor or uneducated people can be as equally good parents as well off or educated ones. There's no reason to "wait" for money or education before becoming parents. I do think that you both need to "know" that this is what you want though -- and if there's a degree of hesitation in the answer, then wait until that hesitation turns to excitement and love before going ahead and gettting pregnant. Good luck.

Answer 11

I also believe you should  be married when you have a baby. You should be totally committed to each other before you commit to a baby! Everyone deserves to have a baby, but you should do things in order. Plus won't you want the baby to be married before children also. The whole "do as I say not as I do" thing would be an argument later.

Answer 12

Compare your techniques or thoughts for  anything that will have to do with raising the child.Atleast come up with a compromise, and know that parents aren't perfect, and things goes astray all the time. it never happans as you plan, and anything can happan. lots tolearn being a parent. learn your budget and finances, and all the things you need to purchase before after and during its life. Start a savings account or "college fund", and  write out your finances and  prepare yourself for the additional bills, medical, diapers, formula, EVERYTHING. The stress, sleepless nights, and relational stress. trying not to scare you, trying to prepare you.

Answer 13

Im a mom to be....and im not gonna sit her and hound you about getting married before having kids especially since youve both been divorced. Being married doesnt mean you love each other any more than you do right now! Just look at the stability of your relationship and is it a lasting one?  Consider insurance if you dont have any you should get some.  Financial stability.  The effect this will have on his child.  Do you live together?  Having a baby bouncing back and forth from home to home is kinda hard on parents!  These are just a few things I would consider off the top of my head.  A few of them I didnt consider myself and im dealing with them right now (no insurance)!!!  I do love my boyfriend and we do plan on getting married after the baby and when we feel we are ready!  Good luck!

Answer 14

Do you agree on how you'll split responsibilities for raising a child? Will you both work, and if so, can you afford childcare and how will you split childcare duties when you get home? If one of you stays home, are you both okay with that idea, and can you afford it? Do you agree about how long one parent should stay home? Have you done a budget to figure out if you can afford it? How is the parenting going of the 7-year-old? Do you both enjoy it/ find enough time for it/ are able to afford it? Are you reasonably certain your relationship is forever (of course nothing is completely certain, but if the reason you're not married is that you're wary of the commitment, don't have a child together).  Does the 7-year-old live with you full time? If so, you probably understand what having kids is getting you in for.  If not, make sure you understand that it's a full-time commitment that is wonderful and fulfilling but not consistent with lots of travel, adult-nights out, or even a good night's sleep for the first year or so.  Also, what was the reason for your partner's divorce? If it was the stress of raising a child, that should be a clue to be wary.

Answer 15

My dear "Lady Bee"....

FINALLY  I see someone who's action : responsible !!! Congratulations!!! That's quite mature of you to deliberate on the "Pro's & Con's" of parenting !!! Because...children are : a lifetime commitment, which needs to be "evaluated" correctly !

First of all... you have to consider, if you're financially STABLE enough to provide for a child (you can count apprx. 100.000 $ on costs for a child until he/she's an adult -and- that does NOT include a college-eduction !!! Second...are you willing to "sacrifice" your career in ordeer to take care of a child ??? You would want to raise him/her at least until he/she enters 1st grade....-so...can you stay out of your "career-field"  for the next 6 yrs.without any "set-backs" & will they "Take you back" after 6 yrs.??? All those "items" need to be "evaluated" thoroughly before deciding to get pregnant !!! It's not a questions of "loving a child", because we all love our children, but you would want to furnish the proper care as well... So: sit down with your husband & discuss the matter seriously & then you choose....

I wish you all the best for the future ! Greetings from Germany & all my love & care... Annette***

Answer 16

I think you should do it before you get too old.  You will never be financially ready for a child.  It is something you just have to decide to do.  However, I think that married or not you should always ask yourself  "Can I handle raising a child on my own."  Husbands leave and die, there is no security in being married so don't think you can't end up a single parent.  I am a single mother of three. I didn't plan it, but it happened and I make the best of it.  I do what I have to to take care of my children and I wouldn't trade them in for anything

Answer 17

You should come to an agreement on discipline.  Talk about specific situations and discuss how each of you feel about them and what you expect.  Talk about how you think children should behave and how you think you should parent in order to teach them to behave that way.

Also discuss child care; who is expected to do what.  

Mom and Dad should ALWAYS be a team.  No exceptions.  That means if you don't agree, one of you has to be willing to let the other choose.  Or come to a compromise that you can both be happy with.  My husband and I sort of have a system where if it is REALLY important to one of us, but not so much to the other, then the one who cares more wins. If we absolutely can not agree, we compromise.  Usually (almost always) we can come to an agreement before we even have to compromise.  Neither of us ever has to "give in".

That's my best advice...be a team!   And I do agree that marriage is most important if you plan on having children.

Answer 18

First off, get married. Children deserve that security and stability.

For you, consider the ramifications of him having a first family, which he needs to look after. Are you willing to share him - his time, finances, etc.?

Just make sure you are totally sure of one another, and in a good, longlasting relationship - make sure you have dated seriously for a few years before deciding to marry and start a family.