All of you adoptees who are so bitter and angry about adoption, you are uneducated and unintelligent in what?

Question

you say.

Are you mostly angry BIRTH"mothers", or just pissed because you got landed with c**p parents?

I for one am an adoptee, yes, shock, horror, gasp, through an AMERICAN DOMESTIC ADOPTION, oh my God! and I'm sick of hearing these ungrateful people bagging adoption in each and every case!

Nobody says it's ALWAYS wonderful, but sometimes it is. Not every person who has s*x and makes a child can be a parent. Plain and simple.

Sorry for you that you got c**p parents, but what do you think non-adopted people with c**p parents do? They don't have an adoption soapbox to stand on!

So what exactly is your problem?

Answer 1

With all of the resources that are available today, why don't we have resources to help the mothers that want to raise their baby and can't for whatever reason that may be.  In my mom's case, she had no choice because her loving parents would not support her.  Am I angry for getting stuck with c**p parents, no.  Do I blame anyone for them being hypocritical idiots who had no reason to have kids, no.  I love my birth mom like she had been my mom from my birth.  My adopted father is my daddy.  My birth mom is mommy.  I am not bitter or angry.  That is just the way it is.  My adopted mom has no one to blame but herself.

Answer 2

hey, i am an adopted child, but it's not like i'm ungrateful for what i have. just try to come and think of all the sacrifices that the people who adopted you took for you to come to this age and be the person that you are today.. i try to think of it that way, because if people would only keep on using their being adopted and blaming their parents for the way their life is right now, then every adopted child in the world would have.. like.. an entitlement card of bragging to people about them being adopted and that they'd blame their adoptive parents for all the things happening to them. it's time for us to stand up for the things and decisions that we make., it's definitely NOT their fault that we are who are are today. don't you think?

ok, so some people would still be too narrow-minded to understand this. so let's admit it. crappy things happen to us,, are you going to cry all your life over spilled milk? come on, it's about time you stand up for what you want to happen in your life! don't you think?

it's a common situation nowadays that more and more women become unplanned mothers. sometimes it's just plainly selfish and them not caring about the child's welfare... but there are also times when women become pregnant without them having a choice. like being raped and all.. don't you think? so i'm going back to my point, try do something about what you have and who you are right now...

Answer 3

I am an adoptee and an adoptive mother and I can say that both experiences have been absolutely positive.

I am not angry at all with my birth mother (who was a rape victim, so in this case, the "she loved you so much she wanted to give you a great life and gave you to people who could" arguement does not apply).  I understand completely why she gave me up, why she wants no contact with me, why I am probably a source of pain to her.  But do I let it consume me?  No way.  

I only got 25 years with my Mom (I hate the term adoptive Mom since she was my Mom, the only one I ever knew) before she was killed in a car accident and although there were rocky spots, I could not have asked for a better Mother.  

I have NEVER felt all of those feelings that the books say I should have felt (ie.. second best, big empty hole in my life etc).  I know that I was loved, even more so since my Mom made a choice to become a Mom, didn't just "happen".

There will always be negativity associated with adoption, but I have to say that I have never let that negativity get the best of me and any problems I did have, I did not blame them on being adopted.

Answer 4

well i commend you for speaking up and i feel the same way i for one was adopted and i had a good child hood and am glad i was adopted. yes, it was fine and i am fine. yes there are those who just hate it and stuff but maybe they have not thought enough about what would be like or if you got bad set of parents i am sorry but its best when there is no one there to raise them someone has to and mostly they are good people out there. take care.

Answer 5

I was adopted also and I understand what you mean.  Although not everyone is like this, and some adoptees really did have awful experiences.  I'm trying at the moment to decide if I should 'be closer to' my birth family.  I don't really want to bother too much but I don't think others understand how you feel when your adopted parents really do feel like your parents.

Answer 6

My husband adopted a foster baby who was neglected by her biological father as her mother was a drug addict.  The doctor said she was an 'addicted' baby.  She grew up being so hateful... hateful at her biological parents for not wanting her, hateful at her adopted mother for rejecting her (she was abusive to her) and now hateful with me cos I married her father.

My husband spoiled her and tried to make up for all her losses.... at times at my expense cos he was always trying to protect her ... 'even from me'.  He felt that his adopted daughter was a victim.... so that allowed her to played her vicious game well and got away with all the troubles she caused.  She was so hateful, she threw all the presents i gave her, refused to eat what i cooked, rude, lied that i victimized her etc ....  

I have no idea how to get across to her at all.  She has built a wall and acted that way so that no one cld 'hurt' her... according to what my husband told me.  I just leave her alone and hope that she will come to realise that there are good people on earth and not all are like her two mothers.

Answer 7

Sorry for your pain.

I wish you well.

Answer 8

i answered a question similiar to this earlier, so i'd though i'd give you the same answer i gave her:

I'm happy. you can never call me ungrateful. here's my story:

My parents married young. My mom wanted children, my father didn't. when mom got pregnant, my father prayed and prayed for a boy, then i was born, a girl. when i was 3 they divorced and my mom got custody. when i was 5, my mom was killed in a car wreck and i went to live with my dad. from the start he never loved or wanted me. when i was ages 5-10 my dad would beat me every morning with whatever he could find depending on his mood (if i was lucky, his fists. if i wasn't lucky, a dog chain). i was required to complete all of my chores in 15 min., if i didn't (i never did), i didn't get to eat that day. I wore the same clothes day in and day out. I slept under the table. He tried to kill me 3 times. He and my uncles raped me whenever I was "bad". The longest i've been without food is 7 days, when he locked me in the basement. I survived by sucking the water off of a leaky pipe in the corner. If i ate anything without my dad knowing, he would make me eat/drink horrible things like water out of the toilet, trash out of our neighbors garbage can, teaspoon fulls of cleaners under the sink, once he made me eat his cigarette. All 5 years of elementary school, not one teacher even asked me about my home life. I wouldn't of told them if they had asked (my dad threatened to cut off my arms, legs, tongue, one by one if i did), but it would have made me feel better that at least someone half cared. In fifth grade, my math teacher called me aside one day, and then every day after that for months. She helped me with my schoolwork, and we would talk until I finally told her about dad. The next day my dad was arrested and I was taken to a children's shelter. Which then started the horrible experience of foster care. I was with 8 different families. I was a bad kid. I broke windows, rubbed eggs in the carpet, you name it, I did it. Every single one of them sent me back to the shelter. Then when i was 11, i was placed with this one family. They already had quite a few kids, and i was horrible to them, then one day they walked in the room, and instead of saying "You're going back to the shelter", they said "We love you and want you to become a permanent part of our family"/ Since then, i've had some problems, but through it all, i've overcome it. I'm a Christian now, soccer star, straight A student, musician and performer. I'm 16 years old and I love my family more than life itself. I thank God every day for Mrs. Summers. If it wasn't for her, I'd still be having the c**p beat out of me. My family is great. My adoptive mother passed away last year along with my newborn baby brother, but i still have my dad, and my brothers and sisters (there are alot of them, my parents adopted 8, and had some of their own). i tell everyone that i hate my birth father and I am still working toward the goal of forgiving him, but deep down, i still love him. i don't know why. but i will never again be taken advantage of again. i can promise you that.

there are alot of people out there who were adopted that are bitter, but i am not one of them.

Answer 9

Why are you lumping all adoptees into one category and saying that we are all bitter and angry?  Generalization are what make people angry.  What you see are people who generally unhappy with at least one aspect of being adopted that is why they are here.  It's the same old story you never hear from the customer who had a great experience but you sure hear from everyone who had a less than expected experience.  It's the same thing with adoption and why people post regarding what they are going through in each of their own individual cases.  There are many thousands of individuals who are touched by adoption but you are most likely only seeing the smaller percentage who want to speak out.  They need to know that they are not the only ones who are having the same feelings whether positive or negative.  

The biggest problem with adoption is the lack of knowledge and the secrecy that this country has put upon it.  Most adoptees do not have the same rights as those raised within their biological families.  We can not have access to our original birth certificates. We can not most times find out the circumstances behind the decision of why we were placed with another family.  We do not have medical history to pass onto our doctors should an ailment arise.  Medical conditions are still not always a reason to open an adoption record in the eyes of the court so don't have the misconception that just because someone is sick they can get the info they need, it doesn't always happen that way.

Why don't non-adoptees have a soapbox to stand on???  Do they not have the right to post on another category regarding family issues?  I seem to have read many of them there.  Everyone has a soapbox and most people when inclined, use it.

Answer 10

I'll tell you what damages a childs brain.... Drgus, alcohol, partying while pregnant. At 6 mos old we weretold he would be retarded (and that was who he would be, ok) and now he's almost 2 and is at his level.  

I in NO way want to be praised for my decision, I CHOSE to parent himand I stand by that. The alternative plan for him was abortion. I'm in no way a perfect parent, but I and a GREAT mom and there's nothing wrong with says so. It would have been MORE damaging for her to try to raise him. I see what see does with her other kids. I hope that he grows up to be proud to be adopted, not because I adopted him, but because him brith mom decided to give him a better life. She also gave us a better life and I am greatful to HER every day.

In reguards to your questoin. I would be totaly hurt I my son "Blamed" his problems on his adoption. I'm sure that it hurt him  to know that she didn't want him (yes she didn't want him, she had more money than me, lots of family and just didn't want a sick baby). But know that there are 10,000,000 people who would have live to have him in thier lives I'm sure makes up for a lot of it.

As an adoptive mom I feel obligated to give him the BEST life possible. I expect NOTHING in return, not a thanks or anything else. My reward is just watching him enjoy his life and seeing  him grow stronger.

Answer 11

Very true I realize that not all adoptees end up with great families. However not all people who stay with their biological family have great parents, either. Just the other night on America’s most wanted, there was a story of a girl who was sexual abused for about 3 years, and it was by her biological father.  Some adoptees sometimes think if they had been put up for adoption that their life would be 100 times better, or if they have abusive adopted parents, their natural parents would not have been abusive towards them.  When in reality there are abusive adopted parents and abusive birth parents. As De said there is not guarantee.

Answer 12

Oh weewee,

Let me guess: you are either an adoptee who is mad that we're makin' all that racket while you're trying to sleep, OR you're an adoptive parent who want to keep your fantasy alive?

Oh, if only the odds were this easy in Vegas!

Adoption is usually wrong.  We were meant to remain with our natural parents.  You're right--this is not possible in every case, but it is in a MAJORITY of cases.

There are lots of books you could read, and sites you could visit, but it seems you're heavily in your current point of view.

Answer 13

you make really big asumptions that all adoptees had good families and good experiences

I was old enough to remember my first family when i was adopted so i did and do miss them

Also my adoptive parents were incredibly abusive. My adoptive father raped me for about a year. I dont want anybodys pitty for that but it can hardly be expected to leave me with no issues

and actualy there is a lot of very contemporary scientific studies that show taking an infant from its mother even if it is not old enough to "remember" her damages the childs brain

Answer 14

i agree and i hope everyone that's read it should embrace it ....................   but some people have got angry but uneducated and unintelligent but it still was a good point.................. i hope people that's been trought this take it as an good advice..................... i hope everyone that happen a bad adoption experience should learn as a parent if they have kids are is going to......................while not all mother are angry when they give up that kids they know they cant support them and some one else can................. and some are not ready for kids are just plan angry with their self ......... people need to get more education on these point of adoption.

Answer 15

Why is it that everyone tries to portray all adoption experiences  as cut and dried, good and bad, right and wrong.

There are cases where adoptive parents have been less than loving, and even downright cruel to their adoptive children.  These cases are tragic, and I refuse to ignore them or say that they don't happen.

However, there ARE cases where adoptive children are raised as if they were biological children, and they wouldn't know unless they were told (I personally am against keeping this information from the adoptive child) that they are adopted.  They are given a better life that they would have had with their biological parents.  Also, the biological parents often have a better life as well.

Adoptive children have not lost any rights!  I have heard this too many times.  Please cite a single right that has been taken away from an adoptive child.  

The problems with adoption seem to stem from one of two factors:  old ways/methods and dishonest agencies.

Many of the adoptees that rage against the system are products of an adoption system that utilized paper searches in background checks, pre-abortion laws, and untrained personnel.  If you are older than 36 years old, then the birth mom probably had limited options available to her.  She probably was forced to place her baby into the foster care system or place her baby up for adoption.  The laws didn't provide for a means to ensure that there was no diress or coersion involved in her decision.  There wasn't counseling available as easily as it is available today.  Also, there was a stigma associated with being a single mom.  All of these factors contribute to a system that wasn't conducive to providing the best home for the child.

Today, the major reason why adoptions cost so much more is because all of these factors have been addressed through laws that require significantly more work on the part of the agencies and the adoptive parents.  People complain about attorneys, but they are necessary to ensure that the process is conducted properly and thoroughly.

As an aside, I don't know why people attack your grammar.  You use slang and colloquialisms, but the grammar is correct for the most part.  Sounds like someone that just wants the points for answering a question.

Answer 16

I am sorry you are so upset

I wish you peace and pray for your well-being

Answer 17

I think it depends on how empathetic of a person you are. You know what makes me angry? It makes me angry that my mom was told she would have "unbiased counselling" and the agency only ever spent their "counselling" on helping her understand why adoption is the best option.

It makes me angry that an agency said they were trying to help my mom, when instead the only thing they wanted to do was get me away from her despite the fact that it destroyed her.

LC, I have yet to meet a biomom whose life was "better off" after losing a child like that. Most of us barely make it through college or don't, wind up having serious emotional c**p going on all the time, not to mention a destruction of spirit that I can never ever describe to you in words because you would never be able to understand.

I know the difference between imagine what my mom went through losing me and then losing my own daughter to the "wonderful choice" of adoption. IT destroys one mom, in favor of the mom with more resources.

And when my mom decided she wanted to keep me after I was born, of course then the agency informed her that she could not because she would owe them thousands of dollars and since they ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED her to create NO parenting plan if she wanted to keep she literally didn't have a car seat or place to go which could have been arranged ahead of time if the agency hadn't blocked other people out of her life that would have been supportive.

And that was in the eighties. And I dealt with an agency in 2000 and the propaganda is the same. If as an adoptee you don't care that your mom was destroyed so you could have people with a bigger house, a marriage, more money and a savings plan, then you probably won't be angry.

You'll just think, "Oh stupid lady got pregnant who cares"

I have never been like that. It creates a huge burden on a child to think that they were given something that so many kids don't get and that they were chosen arbitrarily at the expense of their own mothers' soul.

It's like living with blood on your hands. Social services that don't offer aid to help with parenting and encourage women to feel unempowered and belittled about their ability to parent are c**p and that is still the norm in many adoption agencies today. They all say "Make your own decision, but remember adoption is the most loving decision you can make"

If that's not biased, then I don't know what is. It's biased in a very sneaky and back handed way.

There are situations out there where biological parents are AWEFUL. There are situation where biological parents literallu give up their kids because they don't care what happens to them. But more often I see abusive parents keep their kids (at least at the time of birth) and later dump them on family members or the foster care system infavor of doing drugs. Or they just treat their kids really badly.

It's a really different situation then a really loving young mom who got pregnant while single, but wants her child, and to do everything in the world she can possibly do for her child.... wants her child more than anything in the world.

And is constantly told about richer, better, married, couples who she should feel obligated to give her baby to or she will be an uneducated, unloving, selfish terrible woman.

Making a woman feel that way is evil. Providing counselling to a woman that makes her feel that way is evil. And it makes me angry. And it has caused me a lot of pain in my life since I was very small.

But then again, I am a person who doesn't like injustice.

Some people don't care about anyone but themselves, so I understand why they wouldn't have any issues with current practices.

Answer 18

weather you are adopted or raised by birth parents, you can get crappy parents either way. There is really no guarantee that if children were not adopted their lives would be better. Maybe everyone should have to take parenting classes and get a license before becoming a parent just like when you drive. Only with the license can you become a parent through adoption or by birth. I know some adoption agency already make you take some parenting classes. Its a thought.  Maybe there would be a lot less abused children and a lot less people being parents who should not be

Answer 19

Firstly Bitterness and anger are not synonomous with each other. It is very possible to be angry without being bitter. Anger is not negative it is neatral and it can be an extemly positive force that gives people the energy to change things for the better.

I am not a mother who relinquished a child and I  don't have children but I cant understand what is wrong with a woman being angry that her child was taken away from her. Do you know any people with children who wouldn't be angry if they had their child taken from them?

Even if adptees grow up in a helpful supportive loving adoptive family (which BTW doesn't happen as often as the propaganda would lead people to believe) there is no reason they should be "Grateful". Gratitude is not something people can demand of other people. Adoptees didn't choose to be adopted they didn't ask to have their families shattered. Nobody needs to be grateful to their parents/care givers for just doing what they have chosen to do.

As for  adoptees who are hurt and angry for any reason why shouldn't they talk about it?

Answer 20

So what exactly is your problem.

Answer 21

Dude, you wrote such a garbled mess - I can't even respond...

let's see...no, I didn't have "c**p parents"  

my problem is..I was raised by strangers, and my government denys me equal civil rights. People PROFITED on my most profound LOSS, and that is wrong.

Answer 22

teeee heeee heeee thank you for that. Beautiful, simply beautiful!! Well thought, put together, researched, clear...just WELL WRITTEN.

I can tell having a conversation with you would be educating to say the least. Something ALL of us here on yahoo, i'm SURE would highly benefit from. Thanks for your opinion and have a swell day.

<turns the cheek>

no they're not damaged from adoption, not damaged from adoption, not damaged from adoption, not damaged from adotpion....

Answer 23

maybe you should work on your grammar a little before calling someone else "uneducated and unintelligent"