All responses welcome... my wife and i are thinking of going against what most couples would do.?

Question

We are thinking of Adopting a 14 yr old burmese girl thru an agency... however herein lies the issue... we are 23 and 22 yrs old... what do you personally think about this situation due to our age ... we already have 2 girls...we have a 4 month old and 20 month old. I am going to school for LE work.

I want to hear personal opinions and advice pros and cons of doing so... my family has no issue my wifes family would.

adoption is forever. she would be just as much my daughter as my other two.

the age thing... something to consider.

I looked and saw there are over a thousand just with this agency alone that are unwanted becuz of the fact they arent babies...

Answer 1

a 14 year old can be adopted but every state has rules on the age differences. For example, in Wisconsin, you must be 15 years older than the child you adopt. I have heard some states say 10 years. (So in wisconsin the oldest age you could adopt is about 7)

Answer 2

Nope. Sorry, but unless you were a relative of that girl, I wouldn't let you adopt her either. She is already at a disadvantage and you have pitiful experience yet with raising children.

If you want to go this route, I would choose a child closer in age to your own children.

I agree with you that many older kids go unadopted because people want babies.  Due to my current medical problem, we may choose to adopt and we will be going for a 2 or 3 year old child, not an infant.  Older than about 4 or 5 is often a disadvantage to the child as you speak different languages.

Answer 3

you will make a huge mistake. i have tride to adopt a 13 yer old and it was a mess. you already have 2 children and you are still to young.

Answer 4

is that even legal? this girl needs parents, not friends. i think that would be a huge mistake. please dont put your other kids in danger by bringing a complete stranger in your house, 14 year olds are only children by the law

Answer 5

Not sure of your areas rules but most states have a law that states your adopted child must be younger than your oldest child so if your area has that rule then you can't adopt over 20 months.  I would check into that.  At 23 and 22 yrs old  really she would most likely look at you as more like a friend and have a harder time taking you serious as a parent.  I know when i was 18 and wanted to adopt when they did the homestudy they recommended staying around 5 years old and under because of my age.

Answer 6

I think age is just a number.  You and your wife must be very kind hearted people to even consider such an endeavor.  You know what is in your heart.  I believe also in a women's intuition, as corny as that sounds.  If your wife "feels" that this is the right thing for your family then you should not care what others will think.  To me personally, if someone even puts a perverted spin on this then it is their own perversion coming out.  You can be a parent in every since of the word to this girl if you are willing to take the leap and do it.  The very fact that you are looking at every aspect tells me that whatever decision you make will be well thought out and the right decision for your immediate family.  That's all that is important anyway.  Best of luck.

Answer 7

the US State Dept webiste says that Burmese Govt does NOT allow for adoption internationally.  http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/...

Also Burma is Myanmar, and is run by a VERY corrupt military junta.  I am sure you have seen how this govt has treated its own citizens in the wake of the cyclone.  I would not trust this agency when it says you can adopt legally a child to the US from Burma/Myanmar.

Also it is not generally acceptable to adopt out of birth order.

Answer 8

I hope you are granted your wish. More people should be as open to different situations as you two are. Good luck

Answer 9

I kind of feel like a 14 yr old is too old to be adopting when you're only 23 & 22. You will only be 8-9 years older than your daughter... I think it might be hard for her to treat you as parents when you're still so young yourself. I understand being or wanting to be young parents (I'm trying for a child myself and I'm 23) its just that this is a different situation. Also, you already have 2 very young children. You need to make sure you have the time and finances to care for all three children. No offence but I would think the adoption agency would take your age into consideration and possibly not give you a child based on that alone. I'm not an expert, but these are just my opinions. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 10

In my personnel opinion you all are too young to be adopting someone that age I would also think that most likely due to the small age gap of 8 and 9 years that this girl would more see you as an older sibling or cousin and not her parents. I think it’s wonderfully you all want to adopt a teen  child however I think you should wait till you are older like in your 30’s at least.  That said you could still take an older child now but I would think the age range of 4 to 6 years would be ok.  Really any child above 3 years is considered “Old” in adoption terms.

It is also true that most places require PAP to be a certain number of years older then the child they plan to adopt. I really doubt 8 to 9 year age gap would fly with most places.

http://travel.state.gov/family/adoption/...

Answer 11

Go for it. What in the world is wrong with you people have you ever saw a child raised in foster care? That's no life for anyone. At the age of 18 these foster kids are just out of high school and put out some times they get enought money for a place to live for about a month then it oh well. A friend and some one to call family is better than no one. I had my first child at 20 and  my second at 21 (married) and we made it and our children are grown and fine. Maybe if more parents like you and your wife took in older children there would be a less messed up  young birth mothers around that adoption agencied could prey on.

Answer 12

my wife was adopted when she was 12 and her foster mum was 23

Answer 13

I think that it is wonderful that you are considering adopting a teenager.  However given your current age I wouldn't recommend it.  

It is unlikely that your state would aprove you to adopt a child that is that age given your ages.  I am your age and I have a fourteen year-old brother.  If the situation called for it (like the death of my parents) I would become his legal guardian but that is different as I am his sibling (in some ways I already act as a parent to him but in other ways because of our ages we are just close friends as well as siblings).  

You also have to think of your birth children, instead of getting a sibling it would be almost like having a sudden third parent as she would be so much older than them and in many ways act and look like an adult.  

Although you are financially able to take on another child, are you financially able to pay college fees, buy an extra car and help set up a new home in four years' time?  Teenagers cost alot more than young children.  

There are many countries where there are still more young children to be adopted than there will ever be potential adopters so you would still be doing a good thing.  You could adopt a six year old and still be adopting a child too old for most people to consider.  And you will always have the oportunity to adopt a teenager in your thirties or fourties when your own children will be teenagers or grown up.

Answer 14

I am not sure you can do it.  I know a lot of countries require you to be at least 15 years older than the child you are adopting.

Answer 15

All I can say is congratulations to your and your wife for considering to make such a massive decision.

I wish that there were more people in this world like yourself and your wife.  

That's great that your able to be a father to two as well as work aaaaaannnnnnnndddddddddd go to school!!!!

All the best with your family.

Answer 16

if you can Handel all the stress have having one so old ,then go for it dint do it cuz you feel bad for the girl!! you need to do it cuz you wont to help a lil girl in need out and you wont to love her, i think your age should have nothing to do with it , with older children and adopting they come with a lot of unwonted baggage! she is used to one thing and that is no love or her own family to come home to ! i don't know her background but give it a lot of thoughts and ask GOD for the right thing to do is!! good luck and congrads if you go thought it!

Answer 17

FRANKLY JUST DONT DO IT!! ITS A NICE GESTURE BUT YOU ARE BOTH TOO YOUNG FOR THE PROBLEMS THAT TEENS BRING.ESPECIALLY ONES THAT HAVE LIKELY BEEN ABANDONED AND ABUSED.YOU HAVE 2 BABIES TO RAISE CONCENTRATE ON THEM AND YOUR YOUNG MARRIAGE.YOUNG GIRLS THIS AGE CAN CAUSE AWFUL PROBLEMS THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR.EVERYONE CANT BE BRAD AND ANGIE BESIDES DONT KID YOURSELVES THEY HAVE SO MUCH HIRED HELP WITH ALL THEIR KIDS THEY ONLY DO THE FUN THINGS WITH THEM.THEY DONT HAVE TO COOK,CLEAN,OR DRESS OR BATHE THEIR KIDS.WHEN THEY ARE SICK I AM SURE THE NANNY'S DO A GREAT JOB.YOU SAY YOU WORK AT HOME AND YOUR WIFE IS A SECURITY GUARD SO HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE BEING ALONE WITH A KID WHO MAYBE PUT THE MOVES ON YOU OR GETS PISSED OFF AND ACCUSES YOU OF INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR CAUSE SHE DOESN'T GET  HER WAY.OR SHE IS JEALOUS OF YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND JUST WANTS TO CAUSE TROUBLE.OR SHE IS A LIAR AND A THIEF WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? IS IT REALLY WORTH THE RISK WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH YOUR FAMILY COULD LOSE??? I THINK NOT!! PLEASE DONT DO IT!!! GOOD LUCK.

Answer 18

Most adoption agencies, including country requirements, do require a minimum age separation between children and adoptive parents.  Meaning, if you are too young to have a biological child of that age, the agency and/or country will probably not allow it.  

It is definitely something to consider.  Can you keep the parental boundaries in place?

Don't get me wrong, I support international adoption and I support adoption of older children.  I do think there are many issues to carefully consider here, however.

Answer 19

I personally think that it's great to want to adopt and older child.  I think it's unfair for those children not to be picked only because they are not babies.  Who cares what people think?  It's a great thing to do and you would be changing a young woman's life forever!  Good luck.

Answer 20

Ok - you asked for pros and cons.

One thing is that although the law would say she is as much your child as your babies are, in reality you would feel different.  When you raise a child from infancy how the child is nurtured actually affects brain development and personality quite a bit.  There is a bonding that occurs that is like no other.  (I have one adopted-from-infancy son and two biological children).

There is a different with children you've not raised from infancy.  

What I learned, too, is that since I've become more mature I see the teen years as a lot younger than I used to see them.   14 looks a lot more grown up when you're 22 (and only 8 years past being 14) than it does when you're 40 or 50 (or when a child you've had since infancy gradually grows to be 14).

Also, it is now known that young people's prefrontal cortex is often not completely matured until into the early to mid twenties.  This can affect the judgment of a young person, and they can see the world differently than they will once their brain has completely finished maturing.  (This isn't intended as an insult.  PBS did a whole thing on the brain of teenagers and young adults.  )

I, personally, would not bring a teenager I don't know into my home if my children were young.  My heart breaks for teens who don't get permanent homes because of their age, but someone I knew well had a lot of experience giving homes to teenagers, and it isn't anywhere near as easy as it may seem to be.  Kids who have been displaced from their own homes, who have gone through awful things, who have lived in group settings, etc., aren't always all that delighted or able to just go along with a new family.  

Many parents have issues with their teenagers, and no matter how much they have bonded with them and love them, they don't always know how to handle such issues.   Teenagers who have been through awful stuff, have their own cultures, their own families, etc., can be particularly challenging.

Your babies will be developing their brains and personalities over the next three years (a little less for your older baby).  I think you should devote your time and attention to nurturing those babies' personalities, behavior, and brain connections.

My opinion is you should raise your own babies.  You'd be surprised at how shockingly fast their childhood will pass.  Once they're older and you're older, if you'd like to give a teenager or two a home your own children won't need you as much and you'll have more time and wisdom on your side to devote to what - even in the best of circumstances - would be a challenging situation of adopting a teen.

Your own two babies will want and need your attention.  If someone else is around it wouldn't be right not to give that teenager attention, but that would mean taking some of it away from own who need it.  They won't need your attention as much even once they're in school, but babies, toddlers, and preschoolers really do need their parents' attention.  

Why take away from this special time you should be having with your babies when, if you wait a few years (or a lot of years) you wouldn't be doing that.

I think you and your wife have the kind hearts that people your age often have; and although I know I may come across as not being kind-hearted, I'm actually about as kind-hearted as anyone could be.  The difference is that my children are grown, I've seen a few things in life, and I know how love really doesn't conquer all.  

I'm with your wife's family on this, I think.

Answer 21

In most countries, you must be a certain number of years older than the child you wish to adopt. I know in russia it was 15 years older. I do not think it is likely that they will find you a suitable match for a 14 year old....due both to your age and the other children in the home...as the girl would be much older than her siblings. I wonder if this is a particular girl, or just any 14 year old. My heart was taken with a girl from Russia....but the age factor just wouldn't allow us to bring her home....but if it isn't a specific girl, there are tons of children awaiting good homes who are slightly younger than 14. good luck!

Answer 22

My parents adopted 3 older children through the state. You really need to learn everything you can about attachment disorders, especially Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Older children often have severe attachment problems that can manifest in very scary ways.

My mother gives this advice when considering adopting older kids:

*Learn about RAD and the effects of drug/alcohol exposure in utero. Leard about the effects of longterm malnutrition.

* Don't adopt children that are older than your birth children. You risk putting your birth kids in a position where they could be victimized.

There are a ton of adoption groups on the internet. I really recommend that you find one and join it. I'm not saying "don't do it", but I'm saying go in with your eyes open and with your research done.

This girl will most likely NOT love you right away. She has most likely been through some terrible things that may make her act in terrible ways. If you're prepared to deal with that and help her try to work through her past, then this may be a good choice for you. My mom calls adoptive parenting "parenting on steroids".

Answer 23

I think that you guys are young, but if you are finacially stable and capable of providing for her then why not! I think its great! Everyone needs a home! Good Luck and as for the family thing, they'll come to reason with it! YOur little ones are young and that might just be there concern!

Answer 24

I think the first big issues is adopting out of birth order.  The second is in fact the age difference.  I tink if you are on ly 8 & 9 years older than your child that you could not effectivley parent her.  Especially with two other children in the hourse, I just don't think it is a good idea.  I think your heart is in the right place, but  at your young age you have no idea what it will be llike to raise a teenager, especially one that may not even listen to you, (okay taht is most teenagers) but one who may have been through much life experiences that she needs parents to help wigh all of her clinical needs.

Answer 25

honestly, the developmental difference between a 14 yo and a 22 yo is so little i would think that this relationship would prove to be more "peer-based" than a parent-child relationship.  i think the gesture is noble, hence recommend mentoring her..

ETA: dixie...."SO HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE BEING ALONE WITH A KID WHO MAYBE PUT THE MOVES ON YOU OR GETS PISSED OFF AND ACCUSES YOU OF INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR CAUSE SHE DOESN'T GET HER WAY.OR SHE IS JEALOUS OF YOUR WIFE AND KIDS AND JUST WANTS TO CAUSE TROUBLE.OR SHE IS A LIAR AND A THIEF WHAT WOULD YOU DO??? IS IT REALLY WORTH THE RISK WHEN THERE IS SO MUCH YOUR FAMILY COULD LOSE??? I THINK NOT!! PLEASE DONT DO IT!!! GOOD LUCK." ---give up the barely legal p**n, dude...most adolescents (males and females) are more at risk from sexual ASSAULT then "setting up" some naive adult.  and stop watching spice.tv. not all teen girls are "poison ivy" or the "long-island lolita!"

Answer 26

Honestly, I don' t think its fair to either children.  The 14 yr old needs to be the center of attention.  She needs to be drenched in unconditional love and support.  This is something that i can't see you being able to do with two very young children.

Your age difference is more of a sibling than a parent to a 14 yr old and that freaks me out.  It also makes me question your motives.

Another issue is adoption out of birth order.  Every agency would not let us disrupt birth order, even foster care.  There must be a really good reason for this.

If you desire to adopt older children do so years from now.  After you have parented a teenager.  You will need experience on your side, when adopting an older child.  We would also love to do foster care for teens but since our oldest is only 10 yrs, we will have to wait.  Its hard to wait but i truly believe this is how you can be the best parent for adopting a teen.  Its about the child and the child's needs and going into this blindsided could cause more harm than good.  That's my honest answer.  Good luck.

Answer 27

You would need to check with your agency.

In my state, you can't adopt a child that's an age that you could not have physically had them.

SO, I'm 34...so I would not be able to adopt a child over 16.

Answer 28

My personal opinion is probably going to offend you.  Frankly, the lack of an age difference makes your intentions and motivations appear somewhat suspect.  I that is my initial gut reaction, I presume that others will harbor the same suspicions.  Better now than after the fact, eh?

Have you considered hosting an au pair?

Answer 29

I think it's really great that you are looking to adopt, but, seeing as this girl is so old and needs a family, I really think she needs some parents who will help her get through the struggles of being without a family. I am not doubting that you are wonderful parents, as I'm sure you are, but I'm just thinking about the girl and her well-being. But, I truly think it is wonderful that you want to adopt. Maybe if you adopt a child closer in age to your other children, he/she will be able to grow up with siblings close in age who will also help them get through the struggles of being adopted.