Almost divorced, with kids, how long should I wait to date?

Question

After almost 9 months of proceedings my divorce is almost final. I have four kids at home, ages 13-18.

A few months ago, my soon-to-be ex started dating someone and has moved in with him. Of the three custody-aged kids, two go back and forth, but one doesn't want anything to do with this her Mom's new beau and his two kids, so she stays with me all the time. My 18-year old does the same, for the same reason.

I'm planning on dating when I'm ready. I don't have any plans or interest to do so right now. A friend of mine told me she had read that one of the things kids of divorced parents indicated when polled was that they wished their parents had waited longer before dating again.

I want to do what is best for the kids in this regard. Are there any guidelines for how long one should wait after divorce until they start dating again? Anything about how to date to avoid issues with the kids?

I appreciate any advice along these lines. Thanks!

Answer 1

The question of WHEN to start dating is completely based on when you personally feel ready. What I would be cautious about is actually bringing any dates or potential boyfriends around the kids. You going out to dinner and a movie is one thing and you have every right to do that as soon as you feel comfortable doing it. For me, I think I would be most comfortable with meeting my date somewhere rather than him coming to my home where my kids were. If after time I felt it could be a long term relationship or could develop into anything more serious, I'd slowly introduce him to my kids. However, every guy you eat dinner with isn't necessarily someone your kids need to meet and approve of.  You are entitled to a social life. Remember that. You can still be a great mom and have a life, too. Older kids can be very judgmental when it comes to divorced parents dating. It's hard for them to accept that mom and dad are through and moving on. Even when they say they understand, I don't think they really do. Deep down, they harbor some small hope that you'll reconcile and their family will be intact once more. You have to be understanding of their feelings, but at the same time you have to allow yourself to move on and find happiness. It's a difficult balance, especially for moms. Expect some jealousy from the kids and know that no matter who you may date, they aren't going to like him or the fact that you're dating at first. You just have to take the time and make the effort to explain your feelings to them. They will understand and accept it. Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Being divorced before my self I say Wait till you are really truly divorced!  Then proceed slowly... I wouldn't have women meeting your kids till you were seriously thanking of keeping that women for a LONG time.

Answer 3

There isn't a magic # out there for anyone I am sorry to say....

Dating after a divorce especially if you got the hurt of it is a personal choice. Go slow find yourself, enjoy your kids before they are grown and gone. Love will happen but time is on your side. Your kids will see that you are patient and at themages it is very important to show them the right thing or no doubt teen will bring it up over and over.

PS just cause she is up and running doesn't mean she is happy it just proves she hates being alone.

Answer 4

My counselor tole me to wait until the divorce had been final for one year to start dating. I didn't mind, I wasn't ready! I started dating when it had been final about 9 months, and my (now husband) took me by surprise! I told him I wasn't ready, and he said he'd wait for me! A few months later, we started dating. :)

Date when you are ready, but only introduce dates to your kids when your relationship is more serious.

Answer 5

I don't think there is a specific time that makes it easier for your children.  It will probably be awkward to begin with regardless of how long you and your ex have been apart. I think the best thing you can do is discuss it with your children.  If you meet someone then tell them. Also explain to them (i understand it will be difficult) that it is ok with you that their mother is dating again and that you are pleased that it is making her happy.  Just because you are no longer together does not mean that you should not support each other in your parenting roles.  

My parents are divorced, one of them started dating only a few months later.  It is hard and weird at times but i can see that both my parents are much happier now.  Your children are all getting to an age where they can understand that your hapiness is the most important thing.  The worst thing you could do is speak disrespectfully of their mother or her new partner, and perhaps your ex wife should be told the same thing.  It is VERY difficult for a child of any age to hear one parent speak ill of the other!

Answer 6

my divorce became final ealier this month but we were separated for 9 months before it became final.  we have no kids but he did from a previous relationship.  i'm nervous about getting out there again because things are so different these days.  i believe there's nothing wrong with dating again but you have to protect your kids.  not saying you would but don't start neglecting them in order to date.  i would not introduce the new flame to the kids until you're really sure everyone is ready, especially the kids.  when they do meet, keep it light and don't try to force the kids to like person and i recommend paying more attention to the kids at meeting time so they know right away they are still the most important person to you.  I also don't believe you should deny yourself the possibility of happiness by not dating.

Answer 7

You will know when you are ready...right now you need mroe time to reflect, heal and know yourself...you are doing it the right way. Do not compare your situation to your wifes....this is when it gets tougher...and it will take you longer to get over. I did not listen to that advice and it took me way longer to get over.

Answer 8

Don't date until the 13 year old is 18. It's only 5 years. Give them at least that! If you do date......do it when they are with their mom. They have been through enough.

Answer 9

I dont think that there is any stipulations set on how long to wait. I think that more importantly you should talk to your kids and see how they feel about the idea. be honest, I think they would appreciate it more and therefore be more open to the idea. Besides only you will know when your ready, just get them ready for the idea, it wont be so hard on them then.

Answer 10

You can go by what the kids want.  Ultimately though I believe all kids want their parents to be happy.  The real key is when you feel like your ready to date.  It takes a different amount of time for everyone.  Some times you don't even know your ready till the right person walks into your life.

Answer 11

when you are ready.  but i believe the most important thing is to discuss it with your kids.  let them be part of the process but don't introduce every girl that you are dating to them.  please be a great father to them now.  right now they need you the most.  your needs could be met later.  make your kids feel special now.  don't do to them what their mom is doing.

good luck

Answer 12

You are going to need to give yourself some time, and when you feel ready to date again, your kids are old enough to be involved with that conversation, but right now they need their dad. And when you are ready to date, any kids that still live at home need to be introduced to the new woman in your life, and they need to understand they are still your first priority.

Answer 13

DONT DATE your kids would be so upset. that would be another thing for them to worry about!!!

Answer 14

Seriously, for the sake of the kids - not until they are all 18.

Think about it.  Their family is split up.  They feel guilty and abandoned (don't care how old they are, they still do).

All of a sudden dad is daing this woman, wanting them to 'like her',  i.e. get ready for her to become their stepmom.  Then the whole drama of dating, whether to have her over or not, how to introduce her to the kids, how will they react, etc.

Then the marriage - probably bringing HER kids into the mix.  ossibly younger children.  Then the whole trying to make the blended family work with the drama of that.    THEN possibly having new babies that you and the stepmom make.

COME ON!!!   Do you really, really think kids, even at 14 or 15, NEED THIS????!!!!!    Dr. Laura's advice would be for you to wait to date until the kids are up and out and focus all your attentions during these next few years on THE KIDS - not your feelings of loneliness.

Answer 15

When you feel like you're ready, then you should TALK TO YOUR KIDS before you start dating.  Let them know that you're back in the dating scene, but that you're taking things slow and that when/if you find a woman who is really special that you will introduce her to them, but in the mean time they don't have to worry about you bringing home lots of women.  Let them know that you are concerend about their feelings when it comes to this.

My husband and I started dating almost a year after he was divorced.  I met his children right away, which in my opinion was too soon.  Things worked out, and we're happily married now, but if things hadn't worked out, I would have felt really bad, because it's not just me and him...the kids were involved too.

Answer 16

Hi. I certainly cant tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I waited a couple of years after my divorce was final to start dating again. Kids want to know THEY not at fault for our divorce. Take that time to spend, share and be with them. I am so glad I did. You're a man so you might want to have the urge to get out sooner. ;)   Like I said I am only sharing my thoughts with you, not suggesting what to do. My kids were around your kids' age as well, so they understood it wasn't their fault, but we just wanted to be together and grow as a single family unit. I am so happy I did. Good luck to you. ♥

Answer 17

Hon, I'd advise you to sit down with your kids and discuss it with them.  It seems as though you're pretty close with your kids and already see the negative affects your ex has had with her new bf...you definitely don't want to make the same mistakes with them.  Kids are smart and will let you know...all you have to do is ask.

My cousin went through this same situation with her Daddy after he divorced her mother.  He chose to sneak around and date, and had family members lie to her and tell her his gfs were their friends.  She was really hurt when her aunt's friend became her stepmother.  She's now 31 years old, and had never addressed the situation with her Daddy.  I'd encouraged her to let him know how she felt, because she's spent countless hours in tears from the hurt she's carried through the years.  (She was about 11 when they divorced.)  He's always been hard on her...interfereing in her life, inputting his opinion, when he has no right to have one, and she finally got enough and told him how he'd made her feel through the years.  It ended in their both being in tears, but it opened up a new level of communication between the two.  He now sees her as an adult and has stopped interfereing and inputting unsolicited advice.  She now feels like she's grown and has a better relationship with her father.

Sit those Darlin's down and explain to them that you aren't interested in hurting them, but want them to know that you will be dating at some point, and ask their opinion.  Communication is the key to any relationship, whether it be with your spouse or your kids.  Open those lines and listen to them, Hon.

God's blessings on you and yours...Always!