Am I a bad parent for letting my son live with my parents while I go to school?

Question

I really want to go to film school. It would be bad for me to uproot him and move to where the school I want to go is located, + without knowing anyone there it will be hard to go to school and take care of all his activities. He knows I love him to death, I have had custody of him since he was 2 months old and his mom is out of the picture totally. I am 29 and have put my life on hold. He is 9 now. Would this be a bad idea or have a negative affect on him. I want to have a secure future for him like make sure I can pay for his college and all and I would be done in 3 yrs?

Answer 1

You are going to miss three years of your child's life and three years you will never get back. Do not expect him to be the same child when you decide you have finished school and want him back.

Just think about the fact that you will be a part of his life again and want to father him again when he is twelve. Twelve is now like fifteen was to us.

These are critical years in a child's life. If you trust your parents to raise him and be consistent with him like you would then try it out. But if you see change or reluctance in him consider him before anything else.

Answer 2

Grandparents do make great parents when the real ones aren't there. But I think it would be best to take him with you, 3 yrs is a long time. He will be okay moving, kids are great about that.

Answer 3

You need to consider the custody issue.  If you are absolutely sure that your custody rights cannot be challenged, then the matter is entirely what you think is best for both of you, and other people have given you those things to think about.  But if you are not absolutely sure, then you should consult a lawyer before you leave him with his grandparents.  Once the courts get involved, and you are accused of "abandoning" the child, it will be too late.

Answer 4

Yes, you're being a bad parent.  Try to find an alternative to get some classes locally.  You need to be there for him until he's at least 18.  

He will think you've abandoned him, and may never really get over it.  I've seen this happen more than once.  That's exactly what you're doing - abandoning him.  You need to put his interests before your own, at this point.  Man up and take care of your son first.

Film school will be there nine years from now, when he's 18.

Answer 5

How far away is the school. Unless you can spend every weekend with him I'd say no. The time you have now is the only time you can count on for sure. No matter how much he knows you love him it will hugely effect his life to have you leave just like that. You will miss so many important day to day things in his life that you will never get back. A college education means nothing to him at his age, but having his dad around means everything. Don't take that away from him, you'll end up regretting it. It isn't the same when your grandparents alone attend things at school or sports events. He needs you more than you need film school. Go to the community college and have the best of both worlds. I lost my dad at age 9 and it was horrible. Even though he knows your still alive he will grieve for you. You said it yourself you've been there for him since he was two months old and please don't think you've put your life on hold for one second. You made a decision in the path that your life would go and decided to take care of and love your son, hopefully you don't feel that the decision was a mistake. Don't justify leaving by thinking the money you might make in the future will be more important than you in your son's life either. You made a choice 9 years ago, please see the love and benefits of being a dad and treasure every minute. Good luck

Answer 6

Okay, how about this.  Talk it through with your son.  He's only 9, but see if he thinks he can go along with this.  I know you don't want to hear this, but I fear he will feel (his feelings) abandoned.  How about a couple of professional counseling sessions before a decision is made?

I've had two different friends leave their kids with the other spouse (not grandparents) to take jobs in other cities in the same state.  The children were between 5 - 16.  I'm telling you that every single child (a total of 7 between the two families) feels they were abandoned by the spouse that went to work in another city.  Mind you, the cities were a two hour drive in one case, and an 8 hour drive in another.  And yes, they saw the parent that was working away from home at least three times a month.

Can't you find a similar education in your area, or take your son with you?  And if you take him, who will care for him while you're at school?

I know you're getting hammered on this, but you really need to put your son first.  Not just his education, but his well being now and in the future.  You could continue to cut hair and go to school part time where you are, couldn't you?

I hope you find another way to do this, without leaving your son with his grandparents.  It may be a wound that never heals for him.

Good luck.  Just keep putting your son first and you'll do the right thing.

Answer 7

I wouldnt call you a bad parent, but I would most definatly call you selfish.

Do you really think its better for him to not see his mom for 2 years?

I think the better course would be to move, both of you and work it out together.  Not leaving your son behind to be raised by someone else.

Im sorry you have had to put your life on hold, but it is what is.  You have a child.  You no longer have the luxery to do all the things you want child free.

In 3 years, your child would no longer know you.

People move all the time.  And do you honestly think if you cant go to school for film where you live that you could make that lucrative income where you currently live?  You are either going to end up leaving your child with your parents forever, or uprooting him later.

The younger the child is during a move, the easier.  It would be much better to do it now when he is 9 than later when is is 12-14

Answer 8

No i don't think you would be a bad parent. don't listen to what other people say. You know what is right for you and your son. If you think this will better your life and your sons than you go for it. you know that he will be in good hands and be taken care of. I mean you might miss alot when you move away but think about this you still many years with him and you guys can talk over the phone or write letters to eachother. No one can tell you that you are a bad parent when you were the one that was taking care of him for 9 years. Your not the mother you are not going to be the one that runs out you are going to make a better life for you and your son. I say go for it. and i say that you are not a bad father. You will find away to keep in touch with your son and you can do this to make a better life. I believe in you. And don't worry about what anyone else tells you. You do what your heart tells you and what you need to do to help out your family :-)