Am I a jealous wife or am I justified??

Question

Ive never had too many relationships and they have all either been with REALLY jealous guys who accuse me of cheating - or with jerks who are cheating on ME. I have NEVER cheated.

I am now married - since June '08. My husband is great and I love him soo much. But he is addicted to the computer. He accepts girls on facebook from the other side of the world and he tells them they are beautiful.. .He also adds all kinds of chats, etc. Not dating sites (that I have found out) but avatar chats, etc. I have told him his constant computer use bothers me because he is more into it than he is me, but he doesn't listen.

Everything else in our lives is fine, it's just when he gets on the computer, he clears the history a lot, etc.....

I really honestly don't think he would physically cheat on me, but I am starting to think that he flirts with all kinds of girls online.

I know that I am attractive - I could pretty much have any guy Ive ever wanted (not meaning to sound full of myself AT ALL i used to be fat, is all) but I know its not that hes not actually attracted to me, but it seems like he would rather tell girls online they are beautiful instead of me.

I have issues with being jealous because I dont ever want anyone to feel the way I have felt in past relationships, like tied down and can't do my own thing because they are too jealous. Also it is hard to bring up to him because everything I know, I know from hacking into his facebook....

So my question is, is it my anxiety acting up or am i justified in feeling upset? And also, how would I bring it up to him without having to say I hacked his account?

Ive been back and forth about this for MONTHS now and I need some advice from hopefully married women - or someone who may understand. I am only 23 and have been with him only a year and a half. Thanks a lot.

Answer 1

First off he shouldn't be talking to other women on facebook nor should he even have an account on there knowing that it is for a lots of young single people.

I say if it is bothering you that much then you best put your foot down now since he is clearly not hearing you.

I would be afraid that this will soon turn into an addiction and he will be doing more.

No matter how good of a person you are temptation can get the best of you and he is being tempted- that is why he is saying these things to other ladies.

This is just not ok and is not fair to you to put you thru this. It needs to stop and you best learn how to start communicating now or your marriage is in trouble.  

Answer 2

there are more than just physical ways to cheat, and if this is hurting you then it is bad for your relationship, tell him you don't mind the computer time and facebook, but NO women on there that you don't know. If he can't do this to make you feel better, then you better look into therapy for both of you.

Answer 3

I think you are justified.  My bf started the same way.  I didnt say anything because it was a harmless computer thing.  the next thing i know, he is sneaking to talk to women on the phone at 2AM... now I ask you.... does that sound like you should be jealous?

Cut to the chase with him.  Is he going to be married to you or the computer?

Answer 4

I'm a married woman and let me tell you something..

Married people have NO USE for a myspace/facebook/online account of ANY kind.  What reason does your husband have to be "chatting" on the internet with strange women and calling them beautiful?  He has none!  

Talk to your husband about this and tell him how much of an issue this is to you.  If I were you I'd sit my husabnd down and lay down some guidelines we could both be comfortable with.

1.  NO clearing history, period.

2.  NO online profiles.  This includes but not limited to facebook, myspace, yahoo, personal sites, dating sites, etc.

3.  No trying to make NEW friends online.  The only people he's allowed to chat with online are current friends of his.  No flirting or people of the opposite s*x unless family or work related,

4.  Limit time spent on the computer to (insert # of hours here) per day.

I'm sure your husband will agree to most if not all these things if he sees how much it is all bothering you.  You have a right to be upset and hurt, and your husband should respect your feelings.  If he doesn't, then you need to decide if remaining in a marriage with someone who doesn't make you their priority is something you're willing to do.

Good luck.

Answer 5

That is really a tough question. I have a lot of issues with jealousy but have learned that I need to trust in order to have a good marriage.  I would be hot though if I found out my husband was doing all that stuff on the computer and I would definitely confront him about it.  I wouldn't be able not to.  He will be really mad though but really just because he got caught.  I know that it is really not cheating but there is no need for that kind of behavior.  Looking at naked pictures of something would be ok with me but not actually chatting and flirting with real girls.  I don't know if this helps or not but good luck.

Answer 6

The same thing happened to me to the " T ". This is what I did;

I told him that if that was the type of life he needed to pursue that was his decision. I was not going to stop him for I am not his boss, mommy or superior. I am his partner, his equal and I find it offensive and disrespectful. Although flirting is not cheating, doors can be opened and later consequences to pay.

I was not willing to take that chance, I too have a choice in this relationship, and I CHOOSE not to be in a relationship that makes ME feel inadequate, disrespected or uncomfortable. Relationships are based on trust, love and respect.

I don't know how you can confront him about the face book with out leading him to believe you hacked in, but I do know that regardless of that you have every right to tell him how you feel. Don't be afraid to talk to your husband, he is the one you should always run to not away from.

It's not anxiety- it's disrespect. Do something now before it's too late. He'll want to say " oh well, you knew a long time ago, why didn't you say something then?" - watch, you'll see.

Answer 7

Don't ask the question if you can't handle the truth.  In other words, you've opened up quite a Pandora's box of mistrust by hacking into his Facebook account.  Unless he's actually talking about meeting these women, he's just supplying fuel for his own ego and other than being disrespectful, it's probably harmless enough, but the downside is that it's inserted just enough doubt into your own mind to make you drive yourself crazy.  

I'll get thumbs downed for this, but if you can handle it, just keep checking up on him and disregard what he says to these women unless he makes disrespectful comments about you, denies that he's married, or tries to arrange a meeting, in which case, it's obvious he is planning on cheating.  Don't let him know how you know this stuff, or he will change his password and you're stuck having to hack it again.

Just don't obsess on what he ISN'T doing and don't look for what's NOT there.  Instead, try and redirect his focus away from the computer (maybe forget to pay the Internet bill one month) and break his bad habit...or even negotiate online time for him.

If you confront him with what you know, you will only expose your sources...now is not the time, because you have no proof of anything and will look foolish.  Wait until you have solid evidence and make sure to SAVE IT away from the computer before you confront anything.  

Answer 8

It sounds like he is not very trustworthy.

Right now - with this behavior - you would be safer sitting in front of a pit bull with a steak in your hand.

Married people do not have any business adding strangers to their profiles and chatting them up. That is the bottom line.

You are NOT being jealous - you are addressing the red flags that are being raised all around you.

Never settle for less than you deserve. Demand respect by telling him to quit his online flirting or hit the road.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Most 23 year olds I know or knew were insecure and jealous of things. Over time you will chill. You will realize that you can't control anyone ever. And worrying about is only hurts you.

Try reading the book "I can do it" by Louise Hay

Very good read and with a CD.

You give your power away when you are jealous or worry. You are saying YOU have the power to affect me. Instead of keeping the power to yourself.  

Answer 10

I believe you are in your right to be jealous. Anything that makes a spouse uncomfortable or puts the relationship at risk is inexcusable for any marriage. But the answer to the problem is not only to fix him. It's to fix your relationship.

It sounds totally cliche but the best thing in this situation is communication. You need to honestly tell him in words how it hurts you to have him do that. You need to swallow your pride and tell him you love him and that it really breaks your heart to know he does these things with women. Speak more generally and not specifically when it comes to these things so it doesn't matter what website you're talking about.

Ask him what it is YOU can do to help him fix this situation and help him fix his gaze upon you again. In marriage it is VERY hard to maintain a flame of passion and you need to find out what you can do to keep him "wanting" you and wanting to court and please you again. And perhaps look at yourself and see if you try to please and make him happy enough that he doesn't care about on-line endeavors.

But to answer your question, ANYTHING that makes either spouse uncomfortable or insecure in one's relationship should be discussed, solved and prevented so that both people are always happily in love.

Answer 11

i am 14 and my mom and dad are both 35.  They have been having the same trouble,   computer obsession.  Stop this ir it will year you part.

Answer 12

Well you have been hurt and you are protecting your emotions thru jealousy.  Here is what I think..

He senses and feels your jealousy because of comments you have probably made.  He doesn't suspect you of hacking because you haven't been fully detailed, but he enjoys the computer and talking with other people.  

Being from a situation that is similar and in reverse I will tell you what my husband did that was effective.  He sat me down and told me that he would like for me to have fun on the computer, but limit the time I spend on there so we can spend more time together.  He was very mature about it and didn't accuse me of anything.  He just simply said I know you love it so I am ok with you doing it, but as a compromise can you limit the time you are on there for us?  

I realized what he was saying was true and I had been spending too much time on the computer instead of with him.  The compromise worked and he is a lot more comfortable and I don't feel like I have to sneak around to do it.