Am I as blind as he is or has my boyfriend emotional abused me by manipulation? ?

Question

We have been dating for about 2 years now and and ever since a week into the relationship he has been "breaking up" with me every time he is angry about anything. The thing is, he never actually breaks up with me and leaves me, he stays mad for about two days (which are two days of h**l) and then makes amends. I have been telling him all along its creating a huge trust issue for me and in turn is going to make him more angry at me in the long run when I dont trust him. Im telling him that if I cant trust him with caring about my feelings and my heart then how can I trust him to care about my feelings on any issue. Which he has shown many times he does not care about me. Im getting ahead of myself. When he gets mad at me it could be as simple as I said the wrong thind, or used the wrong tone or I was confrontational. And he will yell and scream at me, tell me to go ***** myself. Tells me we are done and over and he doesnt want to be with someone like me. Then he breaks up with me, sometimes stays the night in hotels and then will come back the next day, still trying to prove his point and will not hear my side of things until I am crying and begging for him to stop. Its almost like toture and then after time, he will calmly talk to me and work things out. I cant tell if I am being used or he is a control freak or if he has a mental disorder, or all of the above. I dont understand why he cant just listen to my side of things and try to understand me for a minute. He seems SO selfish. Its all about him and how he feels, and what his opinions are, he wont let me get a word in and then he leaves me. Why is he fighting like this? He is 45 and I am 26 other than this fighting we seem to get along considering the age difference. I think he is SO emotionally abusive and controlling and manipulative, but he thinks the same things about me. But Im not sure if he is just saying this to manipulate me into thinking I am these things too. So that I feel guilty and accept him back each time. I have never been told these things before and I try to be the best person I possibly can. Although I am not an angel I do fight back! But I feel it is retaliation. Am I really as blind as he is? Or am I being completely manipulated? I feel like there is SO much more to tell before people can really understand what is going on here, its so deep and so painful. But I just want to know if it sounds like Im being played. I dont want to be unfair and leave out what he might say about me, but then again Im not sure what he has to say about me is true. My gut tells me that he does not care about me at all. But he always comes back saying how wrong and sorry he is and how much he loves me. He tells me I have made him a better man and he said he would probably be alone if it werent for me. So I forgive and forget and then a week later he does it again. And causing me to have so much stress, ulcers, sick to my stomach, depression, I feel like I have lost my spirit. And when I tell him I will have to leave him if this continues he tells me do what ya gotta do then. WTF??? Does he not care or is he saying that to manipulate? Please help!!!!!

Answer 1

Don't wait for him to do the leaving. You are in an abusive relationship. Read a book on co-dependance.

Answer 2

OMG, sweetie!!!  This guy is horrible.  He is a manipulator.  He mine as well be beating the c**p out of you.  It's the same concept and cycle of physically abusive man.  The build-up to the fight and then its sounds like he makes something out of nothing to create a fight so that he can feel like he has power.  And he controls you and hurts you by shutting you out and then leaving you and then he brings you to the point of tears and begging.  With this you are boosting his ego and making him feel "big".  As if he were to hit you and tear you down.  Then he continues to boost his ego by speaking calmly to you, to make it seem like you are crazy and he the calm, collected one.  Then he guilts you with the "I would be alone if it weren't for you".  He has a low self-esteem and this cycle boosts it for him.  He will never change.  As hard as it may seem, you need to leave for good.  You are still young and like you said someone like that drains you.  Good luck.

Answer 3

IVE BEEN THERE EXACTLY!!! omg....

i'd say its ur fault for putting up w/ it for so long. my bf used to throw that "break up word" around after every fight then i finally told him he seriously needs to stop that shiit. he didnt stop b/c he was depending on me to beg him & be like "baby no dotn do this blah blah" anyways, i left for sure. no begging. that kinda shocked him since i kept walking to my car the moment he broke up w/ me, then he was yelling worse things like i NEVER wanna see u again. but he did. thats why he would call me the next day or so. but this tim ei didnt answer i didnt talk to him til about a week later (which is a long time when u guys see e/o everyday) im tired of typing but basically, break up w/ him for a while take a breather let him realize what he lost that worked for me & my bf. he doesnt do that anymore. but if urs does..then i think u know its time to leave him FOR GOOD

Answer 4

I'd advise going with your gut feelings on this. Or seek professional help for yourself. It takes two tango and two to manipulate. Maybe you are both caught up in some power game with each other. With the age difference, I'd look into his past experiences in other relationships. He sounds like an emotional vampire from how you describe him.

Answer 5

u must leave him. and u might want 2 move and change all ur personal stuff. he might *** and abuse u.

i hope u find a solution

Answer 6

You have anwsered your own question so many times in what you have said here.  "he has shown many times he does not care about me"  "I cant trust him with caring about my feelings and my heart" "Its almost like toture" "He seems SO selfish" "I think he is SO emotionally abusive and controlling and manipulative" "its so deep and so painful"  "causing me to have so much stress, ulcers, sick to my stomach, depression, I feel like I have lost my spirit".  

You are a smart person, you know exactly what is going on and what he is doing to you.  You are insulting your intelligence and disregarding your beliefs by staying with this man.  He is acting like a child and regardless of the underlying issues he has, you need to get out of this relationship for your own sake.  This is affecting both your physical and mental health and looking after yourself and your health (as selfish as it may seem to him - and possibly you) needs to be your number one priority.  You obviously have good times together (or i guess you would be long gone) but these good times are offset by terrible times.  Any relationship has it's bad moments, but this is too much.  If you do not trust him and he does not care for you and your feelings then your relationship will never work well.  I think he is an older guy who is with you (a younger girl) because he knows that an older woman is harder to manipulate.  I know a guy who moves from one much younger girl to the next and gets his own way in every relationship.  Needless to say they all end in disaster.  You need to stand your ground, not be manipulated and leave this man asap!  He now knows what you will put up with and he will only keep pushing your limits.  I know that 2 years is a long time to be with someone and then break up with them but can you really see yourself with this man in ten years time?  Do you want to be treated this way and feel the way you do for the next ten years? If he treats you like this, how will he treat any children you may have?  If your sister or best friend  came to you with this dilemma what would you tell them to do?

Answer 7

Well I think you are being manipulated.He is probably insecure because of his age and he knows what and how to deal with you,were he can toy with you when he wants and you will still come back to him.You might need a good friend right now to help you make the right choice because your future is right in front of you. You don't need to look very far to see what awaits you. So sit and think for a little and make your choice,because alot of people can tell you what you can do but if you don't take advise then what is the use of you even asking. Think and make the right choice

Answer 8

First I think that you are very emotionally abused and the best thing for you to do would be to leave. I noticed that there was a very big age difference in there and it's almost like he wants you to baby him or swaddle in away. I have been through a similar situation as this and for a long time i thought i couldn't leave him. Oh honey i was so wrong. I left and i have had the funniest time of my life. I never realized what i was missing in the world since i was always worried about fixing his every need. My ex followed me around forever begging me to come back but i just knew that it would never change. If i had the courage to walk away then i had the courage to tell him to **** off and leave me alone. I know it is easier said than done and you probably wont do it for a long time. But just remember your yahoo answer u will feel so much better after u do.