Am I asking too much of my partner before marriage?

Question

So my gf wants to get married, and soon. I was all for it, however, she is a a very impatient and carries a lot of anger. She will blow up at the smallest thing. She is now mad that I am wanting to go to counseling first and try to resolve a few issues before the marriage. It doesn't mean that I don't love her, I just want us to last. In addition, when we get in bad arguments, she states that she can't and doesn't want to be alone. I am about to leave for a few months, I don't know if I am wrong or not. The arguing to me feels a little verbally abusive. I receive a lot of cuss words and put downs and reasons why I don't care, when in reality, I don't call sometimes because I don't want the day to turn sour. I have stayed every single time, but usually weekly there is an argument where she states that we are breaking up and shouldn't be together. She is now taking medication, she is showing strong signs of depression and of being bi-polar. But I can't leave her for that right? It is driving me crazy, because it doesn't matter how hard i try, she still ends up angry at something... please help... Is it too much to ask her to be calm and more patient with me? She thinks that I want to change her, I just want to be able to talk things out since I don't ever yell.

Answer 1

I think she needs individual counseling.  You shouldn't leave someone because of a condition they have, but also you shouldn't have to live your life worrying when she is going to fly off the deep end.  You need to have a conversation about this so that she understands.  A marriage will only complicate things further.  And just by marrying her won't make her change.  Think things through.  It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders.  Good luck!

Answer 2

Quote: She is now taking medication, she is showing strong signs of depression and of being bi-polar. But I can't leave her for that right?

No you can't. Only if she refuses to get help and drags you down into a depression with her.

I have been there and I did not leave. Not for a long time, not until I lost me and the emotional abuse grew in intensity and threatened to become physical.

Yes you can't leave 'just' because of the depression thing. But you can't stay if it means loosing being and liking you.

Answer 3

Please don't marry her right now.  Get her help! You dont deserve to worry! and she's putting you down because she herself is very unhappy.  You need to find out what's at the root of her anger! And I bet its family related.  You cant or want fix her by marrring her.  She has to do the work and reslove her own issues! Marriage is a band-aid and not a very good one.  Seeking counseling before marrage is a great idea!  Support her, all you can.  But don't tolerate name calling! and threats!  

Answer 4

You know, I understand that people used to get married without taking counselling first, but people also used to only know people from within their monoculture. I know that the general rule for couples counselling is that if your partner won't go with you then go alone, but if your partner won't go for premarital counselling then you might want to consider "get out while you still can"

If she refuses to get treatment then you can leave her. Don't be an enabler by not caring about her mental health. I would actually recommend counselling before you even consider marriage, just plain couples counselling, do your premarital counselling later. If she won't go, go alone. You can get good answers as to what is healthy and what is not, and some help figuring out what you want to do.

Answer 5

DUDE!  YOU ARE SO SMART!  I congratulate you on your use of common sense and not being blinded by "love".

You are 100% right.  This is not a "stable" and "healthy" relationship.  Do not get married until it is.  You are right to pursue counseling, but if it were me, in this case, with my many, many years of experience, you should cut bait and run.  This one ain't worth the headache.  You can't change people and it's not your job.  Getting out now, is cheaper and better than getting divorced in 5 years and being miserable in the meantime.

You can love her and care about her all you want, but you've got to do what's right for YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST.  The world is full of women who won't put you through this stress.  

You're a good man and I wish you the best of luck.  

Answer 6

Show her your post so she knows how you feel.  tell her you have needs too, and your needs include not being yelled at or arguing.  If she wont work with you pre-marriage, she wont work with you AFTEr the wedding.  You might want to slow down.  Getting married so she wont be lonely is not healthy.