Am I being taken advantage of? Is this unfair?

Question

I am 21 and I live with my mom and 17 year old brother and 25 year old brother who is autistic and my mom. We are moving. I am a go go dancer and in college. When I started dancing, she insulted me and looked down on me. THat was three months ago and now she just LOVES that Im making alot of money. She loves it so much she asks me to pay the phone bill (which includes her and my brother) and the 3 months rent for when we move (5000 dollars). I feel it is unfair because my brother doesnt do ****. I also feel taken advantage of because of what she put me through when I first started dancing, there was a fight in the house every night. I work hard at work and school, Ive always been an overachiever. My brother cant even handle going to school. I think its unfair first of all that my mom (who I personally cannot stand, we just dont get along) and I are supporting the household by ourselves since I was 15 and my step dad left. Thats not so bad, but I also feel like she is taking advantage of me because since she knows I make money, she just expects that I WILL pay the 5000 on the new apartment and she just told me this right now she said "Well, I dont have the money". Also, now she just tells me to go pay the phone bill and it started out like she couildnt pay it one month so I helped and eventually became "Why didnt you pay the phone bill yet?" She is away on vacation now and I am left to take care of my brother and give him his meds every morning and evening (epilepsy). Am I being selfish or is this a messed up situation to be in? Even if its messed up, what else CAN I do? I cant just not pay her?

Answer 1

I have several questions.  Where is the father of the 17 year old?  Is your older brother's Autism severe enough to qualify for any governmental aid?  What does your mother do for a living?  Where in the world are you moving that it is going to cost $5,000.00?  Does your family have to move, or is this something that would be "nice" for your family.  

If your mother is unable to handel the moving costs and the phone bill, how will she ever pay the rent and bills when you decide it is time to either marry or simply move out?   You need to sit down with your mother and discuss these items tactfully and rationally.   Let her know that while you have helped out, this can not go on indefinitely and without repayment.  

Not sure what you are studying, but when you get out of school, you will need a nest egg to tide yourself over until you find a job.  You may just need it for moving expenses yourself if you wind up working in another city.  From your story, it sounds like your mother is hoping that someone else will take care of her in the absence of your stepfather.  If you have made any agreements with her to pay room and board, you are responsible for that.  You are not responsible for providing for your entire family.

Answer 2

First of all, you are 21, so part of the answer to your question is, you can do whatever you decide to do. Keep in mind, though, that is also true for your mom.

As for what is fair with regard to your older brother, there is an old saying: "To each according to his need; from each according to his ability." What does your brother need? What is he able to contribute financially? The answers to those questions determine what is fair for him.

And as for what is fair with regard to your mom, surely a part of her money goes toward supporting you. It seems that you benefit very much from that. So, if I were you, I would consider: Are you better off living with your mom and agreeing to contribute something toward the family expenses? Or are you better off moving out and supporting yourself? Don't look to have it both ways.

Good luck.

Answer 3

As much as you may not like to hear it, it sounds like your mother does have a lot to deal with. Your step dad left, there's still a 15 year old boy to look after, and your autistic brother. That can become a heavy load. But you can't go on like this, and it does sound like you are being taken advantage of. She's taking you and your money for granted at this point. Maybe you should try sitting her down and telling her you'll give her a little while to find out how she can pay the bills herself, and to make it easier you'll help pay a little bit at first when she does. But you CAN'T stay like this, and if she doesn't do anything to fix the way things are, you have to leave.

Answer 4

move into a dorm room or get a 1 bedroom apt. pay your own bills and leave your mothers mess to her.

still help with your older brother when she goes out of town etc., if he is severly autistic...some autistic people can still function normally in society and have a job and every thing

As far as your 17 year old brother he just needs to get a job and go to school and not become a loser.

Answer 5

Since you are an adult and living with your mom, you do owe her to pitch in on rent and bills.  The autistic brother obviously can't, not his fault and the 17 yo. is still a minor so your mom is legally required to support him.

On the other hand, since you are an adult, you are also free to move out any time you want.  It sounds like your mom is relying a bit too much on your money and she shouldn't get used to that because even if you stay for now, you will not live there forever.  You should also be saving up a bit of your money for your own future.

My advice, if you want to move out, get a small apartment and go.  If you want to stay, you have to work out an arrangement with your mom on what is a fair share for you to pay.

Answer 6

You are an adult.  Your parent has no legal obligation to support you at all and you have no obligation to support her or your siblings.  You are free to go live your separate life as an adult.  On the other hand, you may feel some moral obligation, or some emotional attachment.  Those are your problems, but unrelated to the law.  

Answer 7

move out on your own and pay your own bills remember you are her child also, help out where you can but show her you have taken on your own responsibilities and relieved her of one less responsibility. you